Well, damn it all. Who ever knew that I would grow to hate the sight of blood in my underwear for any reason other than the fact that I’d ruined another cute pair. It’s just so weird to spend so much time, energy, & money over the last 10 years trying not to get pregnant, and now when it’s all I want to do, I can’t seem to accomplish it. It’s odd how it feels like personal failure on my part. Mentally I know it’s not, but emotionally it feels like it is.
This last cycle was 8 weeks. WHY my body cannot seem to get on schedule, I have no idea. I know, it’s probably the birth control, but I have so many friends who got pregnant the instant they started trying, no matter what kind of birth control they were on. It’s just so damn frustrating. I can’t believe how much I’ve cried since we started this whole process.
Last night I went to the bathroom to pee before bed and came out crying, again. Hubby walked in and realized I was crying, and I think he instantly knew why, even before I told him. 🙁 Poor guy, having to deal with all of my crazy mood swings now days, and I just keep warning him that they’ll probably get worse! Luckily, he’s becoming better at just holding me and letting me be sad and cry. Before he’d just try to rationalize and talk and “make it better” — but really all I wanted to do was cry and have him hold me.
Emotions are a weird thing.
It’s also really hard to have three of my closest girlfriends concurrently pregnant while I go through all of this. I know that pregnancy hasn’t been a perfect experience for any of them either, but still, with all three of them due in the next few months, it’s just so damn hard to see all of the pictures of them looking to happy and healthy and pregnant and to be baby gift shopping and trying not to cry. I’m REALLY happy for them all, but it’s still like a knife in the gut sometimes. What’s wrong with MY uterus?
Well, I guess at least we know the next cycle is beginning… here’s to HOPING UPON HOPING that it’s getting more regular and we can try to plan around ovulation. Considering asking Hubby to commit to doing the deed every other day for a month… just to up our chances of success of course. 🙂 We’ll see.
*Note* Just saw this post from Junket Juice and it MADE MY DAY. Thank you!