I wrote this last night at about midnight after a really depressing night with my ‘friends’…after rereading it this morning, I think it’s important for me to put it out there, b/c it goes hand in hand with my TTC struggles, weight-loss struggles, and basic happiness with life. I feel like sometimes letting others know you’re trying to work on something is the best way to keep yourself accoutable. Scary to hit “Publish Post,” but here goes.
I’m not sure if I’ll even post this, but I’m so stuck right now. I just don’t know what to do. I need to write out what I’m thinking right now. What I’m feeling right now.
I have an eating disorder.
I don’t think I’ve ever fully admitted that to myself. It was always, “I go through stages, but I can handle this” … or “I just need to get that alcohol/box of mac&cheese/whatever out of me b/c it’s 2 am and I’ll feel better tomorrow if I do” …
Yeah… until age 21, I pitied people who had eating disorders (including three of my best girlfriends). I couldn’t understand why anyone would do that to themselves. I didn’t understand why people couldn’t control it. Honestly, I was skinny until then, so why would I have had a clue why girls would have a bad self-image or an issues with their bodies?
For the past 7 years I’ve struggled with bulimia. It’s scary. It’s tough. I don’t know what to do about it anymore.
I can go months and months, even years… and be absolutely fine. Absolutely fine. I’ll eat well, exercise, and feel good about myself. Then I can go days and days… and binge/puke every day at some point. I just realized that four of the last seven days I’ve done that.
WHY CAN’T I CONTROL THIS?!
I know a lot of it is stress related, but what a fucking shitty excuse.
Every part of me just wants to be healthy in order to conceive. In order to be happy.
I have a husband that loves me for who I am. I have family that does the same. WHY THE HELL do I feel a need to do this to myself?
It’s scary. I want to be in control. I guess that’s maybe why I’m doing this to myself lately. I can’t control the baby issue now. It’s sick. I want to be healthy. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a child. I don’t want to be stressed out about it, but I am, and I know that’s just making everything worse.
Maybe God gave me these incredibly frustrating last seven months because I needed to be honest with myself about this problem first. I need to be healthy inside and out in order to bring another person into this world.
I don’t know.
I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being sad because I don’t have good girlfriends around me in Colorado to talk to about this.
I’m just sad.