I wrote this last night at about midnight after a really depressing night with my ‘friends’…after rereading it this morning, I think it’s important for me to put it out there, b/c it goes hand in hand with my TTC struggles, weight-loss struggles, and basic happiness with life. I feel like sometimes letting others know you’re trying to work on something is the best way to keep yourself accoutable. Scary to hit “Publish Post,” but here goes.
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I’m not sure if I’ll even post this, but I’m so stuck right now. I just don’t know what to do. I need to write out what I’m thinking right now. What I’m feeling right now.
I have an eating disorder.
I don’t think I’ve ever fully admitted that to myself. It was always, “I go through stages, but I can handle this” … or “I just need to get that alcohol/box of mac&cheese/whatever out of me b/c it’s 2 am and I’ll feel better tomorrow if I do” …
Yeah… until age 21, I pitied people who had eating disorders (including three of my best girlfriends). I couldn’t understand why anyone would do that to themselves. I didn’t understand why people couldn’t control it. Honestly, I was skinny until then, so why would I have had a clue why girls would have a bad self-image or an issues with their bodies?
For the past 7 years I’ve struggled with bulimia. It’s scary. It’s tough. I don’t know what to do about it anymore.
I can go months and months, even years… and be absolutely fine. Absolutely fine. I’ll eat well, exercise, and feel good about myself. Then I can go days and days… and binge/puke every day at some point. I just realized that four of the last seven days I’ve done that.
WHY CAN’T I CONTROL THIS?!
I know a lot of it is stress related, but what a fucking shitty excuse.
Every part of me just wants to be healthy in order to conceive. In order to be happy.
I have a husband that loves me for who I am. I have family that does the same. WHY THE HELL do I feel a need to do this to myself?
It’s scary. I want to be in control. I guess that’s maybe why I’m doing this to myself lately. I can’t control the baby issue now. It’s sick. I want to be healthy. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a child. I don’t want to be stressed out about it, but I am, and I know that’s just making everything worse.
Maybe God gave me these incredibly frustrating last seven months because I needed to be honest with myself about this problem first. I need to be healthy inside and out in order to bring another person into this world.
I don’t know.
I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being sad because I don’t have good girlfriends around me in Colorado to talk to about this.
I’m just sad.
Don't be sad about CO girlfriends. There's an MO girlfriend out here, and that's only one letter different. 🙂 I'm here though.
Oh Josey!… there is just so much I want to say to you, but mostly I wish I could jump into the car right now and drive my ass down to where you are to tell you in person. Listen, you will get through all this and you are right, this is probably just the universe's way of telling you that you have a few things to work out before you get preggo. It is definitely a control issue. For me returning to my "previous weight-loss tactics" (i.e. anorexia) just looks so freakin' inviting most days when I look in the mirror and see zero progress. Maybe that is part of it for you too. It is so much work to not just revert back to that "easy" way that I know works so well. But you and I both need to do this the healthy way. And as much as it sucks right now, you will get pregnant, I am certain of it. We both will. It make take a little time (i.e. to us even one more month feels like an excrutiating amount of time) but we'll both get there I am sure of it.
Thanks ladies… I have a lot to think about regarding all of this… my husband knows I've struggled in the past, but has no clue I'm struggling with it again lately. I'm an emotional eater… and my emotions are out of control lately, so I eat, and that turns into a binge, which puts me right back into the awful cycle. Exercise always helps me to deal with things in a healthy way – yet another reason to do this 30 Day Challenge. You're right Natalie – 1 month feels like an eternity right now, but I need to get my head on straight I guess.
I know I don't know you but I am so sorry to hear about this. However, I think it is amazing that you are putting yourself out there and acknowledging that there is an issue that needs to be dealt with.I had problems in college as well and my emotional problems are still with me. The only difference is I was not eating at all in college and now I just eat. When I finally got fed up and decided to lose weight it was not just because I want to be happy with myself but because I have alot of weight to lose and when we start having kids in the future I want to be as healthy as possible for my kids buth on that outside and the inside. THAT motivation (the idea of being as healthy as I possibly can if we are so privilaged to have kids) has been enough so far to break years of bad habits and help me lose 30 lbs and start working out. If your goal is similar hopefully that will be an inspiration to you as well. I also feel it never ever hurts to talk to someone professionally about things that may be making you sad. And please, don't take this the wrong way but maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to reach a certain weight. Our bodies do change as we get older and of course it is fantastic to have goals and that is AMAZING how well you have done so far (SERIOUSLY, NICE JOB!) but maybe it is too much pressure and just getting healthy (inside and out), no matter the number, is good enough for now!HUG to you. And you really are doing a fantastic job!
CO and CA are also only one letter apart. To be honest, my blog friends are better than my real ones right now. You're strong on the inside. You'll be able to tackle this. On the days that you feel like you can't, come find me and I'll remind you of that!
Wow!! I'm very impressed with you. It takes a strong person to acknowledge an issue in a relatively public place like this. Not an easy thing to do. You obviously have what it takes to overcome this, and from what I've read of your blog, and what Bradshaw has said, you are strong annd you WILL get through this. Good luck because it isn't an easy road, as you already know. And good luck with the baby thing. That sucks!!
You're so strong and brave for saying it out loud. All we can do sometimes is just… get it out. The words, the confessions. We are out here to support you!!
Oh Josey, yes, I can relate. Sometimes, I still consider removing that blog post about my struggle with body image and disordered eating because I feel ashamed, but I'm glad I have not. You are not alone in your struggle Josey, and it is not something that is easy to overcome. I know that because it's something I still face. I understand your need for control, and yet, feeling out of control – not being able to stop the cylce, not being able to conceive. I was still in deep right up until I learned I was pregnant. You said that I've given you hope about TTC, and I'm glad for that. You should also know that since I've been pregnant, my disordered eating hasn't been as much of a problem. It's like a switch flipped. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about my weight and what I eat, but now I have this little baby that I have to take care of. And so I find myself making better decisions for her. I worry about what will happen after she is born, and when I'm trying to lose the baby weight. I worry I'll fall back into my old patterns. But I realize too, that I am going to have a child, a daughter. And I need to learn to love myself so that I can teach her to love herself. I need to practice healthy behaviors so that she will develop those behaviors in turn. I wish I knew what to say to take away your sadness and pain. All I can say is I've been there, I totally understand, and I appreciate your honesty. And keep hoping Josey, don't give up.
I also thought I would never be one of "those people" with an eating disorder. For me I got completely addicted to seeing the number on the scale go down and down and down, and was really only snapped out of it by a friend going through something similar. I *did* manage to change my ways though, and I hope you have been able to also (this is the problem with reading through blog archives – I don't know what you've posted in the future, so please forgive me if this is totally moot or annoying or whatever.)