NIAW

I’m currently frantically wrapping up things at work to head out for a long weekend in MN visiting family & friends. It’s going to be a great trip, but I’m also steeling myself to be ready to hold lots of cute, chubby, healthy babies and not burst into uncontrollable sobbing.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m beyond excited to hold my college BFF’s little girl (born Jan 5) and my first nephew (born Mar 19). I’m thrilled to be an aunt, and I’m so happy for all of the parents, because they are honestly two of the best sets of married people out there. Sweet, kind, loving, funny…you name it, they epitomize it.

It just hurts, and I have so many “What IF’s” going through my head and my heart…sometime’s it’s just hard to control those feelings.

I just watched an amazingly powerful video on Busted Kate’s blog while I was at work. Not the smartest move, because it was all I could do to keep myself together while watching it! Keiko just touched on so many of my thoughts, my fears, and my insecurities about this whole situation. Check it out, and if you’ve ever struggled with IF, you’ll see what I mean. If you haven’t struggled with it, maybe it will give you an idea of what your friend/sister/neighbor is going through.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

This makes me want to ‘come clean’ so to speak about our struggles, but I’m stuck in the position of not wanting my boss to know we’re trying to conceive, and since she’s my FB friend and we live in a town of under 1,000 people, it’s not really practical for me to share my story until I’ve actually achieved a preganacy.
Achieved. What a weird word to use, but it’s so true. It’s work for a lot of people to conceive, and a true achievement to succeed. The problem with that word is that the antonym (in my mind) it to fail… and that’s how I feel lately. Like a failure.

What IF my husband will want someone with better ovaries?
What IF my in-laws wish they had a daughter in law who could give them grandkids?
What IF my friends & family judge me…or worse, pity me… for not being able to conceive?
What IF we don’t have the money for IVF ($10k+) or adoption ($20k+) if it gets to that point?
What IF I never get to be a mother?

I’m going to do my best to work on getting into a more positive mindset about all of this. I’m going to smile and shake my head when a gazillion family members ask me this weekend “so, when are you going to have kids?” I’m quite seriously thinking of telling people that we are trying, that it’s not working, and that if they want to know more, please feel free to ask, but please don’t give unsolicited advice unless you have been there and actually understand what an Infertile goes though. I’m going to remember that until this past year, I was in their shoes. That I probably often said the wrong thing. That I was the person saying “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.” That I was the person who didn’t realize that this is a valid medical problem that affects 1 in 8 couples, and that it was quite probable whoever I was talking to was hurting so badly on the inside but doing their best to keep it from showing.

I will be grateful for friends & family that care, even when they don’t have the right things to say…and I will hug babies and love them with my whole heart and be so grateful that so many of my friends and family members didn’t have to go through what we have.

10 comments

  1. I'm kind of in the same position as you in wanting to publicize our situation, but knowing I shouldn't because of work. It would definitely be better for my boss not to know until we're pregnant. But my husband and I did just decide that from now on, if people ask us when we're going to have kids (or a similar question), we're just going to tell them that we've been trying for a while and are having trouble. What's the big deal? If they're going to ask the question, they're going to get the truth.

  2. Have fun on your trip! I know the emotions you will be feeling, it was tough going to see a beautiful newborn yesterday. It's crazy how you can feel two totally different emotions at the exact same time. Excited for them and upset at yourself.

  3. I know none of my words will be the right ones, but I think of you often and keep hoping for you.I'm sorry you're hurting and I'll be crazy excited for you and Charlie when you get preggers. :)I hope you have an amazing trip! Can't wait to hear all about it when you get back!xoxo

  4. shew, i should NOT have read this at work. I'm just wellin up over here for you Jos. I think you're doing the right thing, staying positive, and NEVER losing hope!I love ya, love ya, love ya.

  5. I have all the hope in the world for you two. Honestly. If you need to vent, you know where to go.Lovelovelovelovelove.

  6. Everything will work out for you and your hubby! All you can do is stay positive like you said and just keep living your life. Try not to let this consume you – easier said than done, I know. 🙂 Have fun on your long weekend!

  7. Josey,I've missed your posts. I can tell you are struggling much the same as me. It is very hard putting on a positive, happy face when you feel like a failure…there really is no other word to describe how infertility makes you feel. I think it is okay to tell people you are having trouble. I was the same way at first, holding it in, not wanting people to know. But it seems like once they know you're having trouble, the most miraculous thing happens, they stop pestering you about kids! Which in my opinion has been a great accomplishment. I was definitely most nervous to tell my MIL because I have heard her mention grandkids with hope and anticipation. But she has been really great after she found out our troubles. She doesn't get overly involved, but I know I can go to her to chat about it. I am sorry you feel so down and I know how hard it is to push the feelings of resentment away when you are holding someone else's beautiful baby. But soak up that time. They are so much fun to hold and squeeze and they are easy to love. You're going to have a great vacation. And I know motherhood will happen for you, in some form. We'll help each other stay positive. Have a great time and hurry back because we'll miss you!

  8. Thanks everyone for the kind words, comments, and advice. It was a hard & wonderful weekend, all at the same time. Only got teary eyed a couple of times, but luckily both of the couples know that we're trying to conceive and understand why it makes me sad sometimes. The babies were beautiful – I can't wait to post a few pics!

  9. This was so hard for me to watch. It just made something stir inside of me. I almost couldn't finish it. Actually, I didn't.xoxo

  10. What a BEAUTIFUL video JJ!! (obviously, I wept)I know this will happen for you and C. I love you, I'm thinking of you always, and I love you some more.xoxo-E

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