I’m currently frantically wrapping up things at work to head out for a long weekend in MN visiting family & friends. It’s going to be a great trip, but I’m also steeling myself to be ready to hold lots of cute, chubby, healthy babies and not burst into uncontrollable sobbing.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m beyond excited to hold my college BFF’s little girl (born Jan 5) and my first nephew (born Mar 19). I’m thrilled to be an aunt, and I’m so happy for all of the parents, because they are honestly two of the best sets of married people out there. Sweet, kind, loving, funny…you name it, they epitomize it.
It just hurts, and I have so many “What IF’s” going through my head and my heart…sometime’s it’s just hard to control those feelings.
I just watched an amazingly powerful video on Busted Kate’s blog while I was at work. Not the smartest move, because it was all I could do to keep myself together while watching it! Keiko just touched on so many of my thoughts, my fears, and my insecurities about this whole situation. Check it out, and if you’ve ever struggled with IF, you’ll see what I mean. If you haven’t struggled with it, maybe it will give you an idea of what your friend/sister/neighbor is going through.
This makes me want to ‘come clean’ so to speak about our struggles, but I’m stuck in the position of not wanting my boss to know we’re trying to conceive, and since she’s my FB friend and we live in a town of under 1,000 people, it’s not really practical for me to share my story until I’ve actually achieved a preganacy.
Achieved. What a weird word to use, but it’s so true. It’s work for a lot of people to conceive, and a true achievement to succeed. The problem with that word is that the antonym (in my mind) it to fail… and that’s how I feel lately. Like a failure.
What IF my husband will want someone with better ovaries?
What IF my in-laws wish they had a daughter in law who could give them grandkids?
What IF my friends & family judge me…or worse, pity me… for not being able to conceive?
What IF we don’t have the money for IVF ($10k+) or adoption ($20k+) if it gets to that point?
What IF I never get to be a mother?
I’m going to do my best to work on getting into a more positive mindset about all of this. I’m going to smile and shake my head when a gazillion family members ask me this weekend “so, when are you going to have kids?” I’m quite seriously thinking of telling people that we are trying, that it’s not working, and that if they want to know more, please feel free to ask, but please don’t give unsolicited advice unless you have been there and actually understand what an Infertile goes though. I’m going to remember that until this past year, I was in their shoes. That I probably often said the wrong thing. That I was the person saying “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.” That I was the person who didn’t realize that this is a valid medical problem that affects 1 in 8 couples, and that it was quite probable whoever I was talking to was hurting so badly on the inside but doing their best to keep it from showing.
I will be grateful for friends & family that care, even when they don’t have the right things to say…and I will hug babies and love them with my whole heart and be so grateful that so many of my friends and family members didn’t have to go through what we have.