…wow, it’s Tuesday afternoon & there is so much I want to write, but this is all going to sit in draft hell until Saturday because even though I love that my Mom reads this blog (hi Mom!) I also don’t want her to know any of the possibilities of this until after I see her (and my entire family) on Saturday morning.

Here’s the deal – I am terrified of jinxing this cycle. Terrified. I finally have a sense of optimism about it…that things are working a little better…that acupuncture and herbs and clomid are a good cocktail for me…that I might have (holy crap) possibly ovulated this cycle. I’ll find out for sure after my bloodwork Thursday [results Friday] but hopefully this cycle has a possibility of a BFP. That’s huge for someone with crazy erratic anovulatory cycles like me. This is only my 6th cycle in a year. That means I’ve had (at the most) half as many chances to conceive this past year than the normal person, and in all reality, I’ve probably only ovulated once or twice (at the most)… so each O is precious to me! (get yer mind outta the gutter Bradshaw)

I looked back through the dates and realized that 7/28/10 is the actual day my first TTC cycle began. IF this cycle ends in a BFP, we could hopefully know by Saturday (9dpo – and I’d be able to tell my fam in person since we’ll be in MN for the weekend!), Monday (11dpo – our 2 yr anniversary & 1 yr anniversary of deciding to try), or at the latest, Thursday (14dpo). Thursday will be 7/22/10…just shy of a year, so even though the docs have said I am definitely struggling with infertility b/c of PCOS and anovulatory cycles, getting a BFP this cycle would keep me just shy of that year mark where the medical community “officially” calls you infertile.

I’m so hopeful, so excited, so freaking out right now, and it’s hard as hell to feel like this because I’m just going to be that much more disappointed if it doesn’t turn out. For some reason the last few cycles I expected a negative…I think just to protect my heart… but man oh man… if this was a positive… wow!!

Oddly enough, I’m also petrified of the BFP. Then there are a million other things that can go wrong. Money & job stuff to figure out. Doing everything I can to ensure a full term pregnancy and healthy baby. And last but not least, I’m scared of alienating any of my IF ladies. You’ve all been a huge part of my life these past 9 months that I’ve been blogging, and I don’t want to lose any of you. I don’t know how I’d have coped and stayed sane without this blogging outlet. Getting your support, giving you support, all of it. At the same time, I don’t want to struggle with this anymore. I don’t want EVER look back at this post and think “silly, naive little you…if only you knew how much longer the wait would be, how much harder the struggle would be.” That scares the living crap out of me, thinking things like that. As much as I know I will always be an infertile, will always have those thoughts & fears of someone who has had troubles TTC, I don’t want to be one. I don’t. 🙁

So many conflicting emotions…