It’s not that I’ve exactly given up hope, but I realized today that I’ve given up the expectation that I’ll ever see two lines on the damn pee stick. I don’t know if this is hitting me because I’m officially labeled “Infertile” now that it’s been over a year or what… but it’s weird to have lost all faith that it will happen for me. I know, this sounds slightly dramatic, but I really don’t feel dramatic … I just feel… apathetic. Listless. I kind of don’t think we’ll ever try IVF or adoption (too cost prohibitive & emotionally draining)… and it makes me kind of sad to think that this may never happen for us. Living child free…funny how it’s not really free at all.

I don’t know… that’s just where my mind is at today. Sorry for the abundance of …. it’s just that I sort of feel like I’m floating today… lost in my thoughts and what was and is and might never be.


  1. This just makes me sad. Like, my heart hurts SAD. While there aren't words, there are hugs. In precisely a month and a half. I can't wait 🙂 xo

  2. dislike.You are entitled to these days though, so I won't take it away from you…me, on the other hand, I'll be over here doing the positive vibe thing while you take some time off in that department. It's what we do, we pick up the slack. Love you tons Miss….

  3. Sorry you're feeling down today, just try to remember that there are lots of steps between here and IVF. PLUS, you ovulated last cycle! You can do it and you WILL get that second line. :hugs:

  4. I got to this point too. And honestly I think it is a necessary point. I don't believe that you are infertile or that you should give up hope. 12 months is an arbitrary mark that some A-hole set. But I do think getting to this point is a good thing. It might help you relax just a bit and give your body the space it needs to get to that next step. It is hard not to focus on getting pregnant 100% of the time, but I feel like getting to this point, despite how crappy it makes you feel, helps to take some of your focus off of TTC. When I hit this point I tried to think of the positive things that might come of not having kids. Being able to travel more and whenever I wanted, not worrying about saving for college or how to pay for summer camp, not having to wake up at 6am on a Saturday to watch T-ball practice. Obviously some of them are things that will be fun to do once our nuggets are in our lives, but telling myself that life would be okay with out a baby somehow took my focus off of not being able to get pregnant. And then three months later it happened. I know you don't want to think about waiting another second for your BFP, but it will come. I know that it will!

  5. Hugs, Josey.I feel you on the apathy ~ after so long, the hope just disappears and it's replaced by….numbness. It's a coping mechanism. I hope that you see the elusive two lines very, very soon.

  6. This journey can be full of such dissapointment. You do find out a lot about yourself though. I can very confidently say that my husband and I are much closer today and it is because of our IF journey. No, it is not the road we ever expected. However, I think God does have a plan for us and one day we will understand.

  7. I'm with you today, feeling stranded in limbo land. If I could only know WHEN I would conceive, I would be ok. I could wait it out. It's not knowing IF I will conceive that's the hard part. The only thing I can say is that this day will pass, and your hope will be renewed. And when you look back at this day, you'll wish you had known that your BFP wasn't too far off…thinking of you!

  8. Unfortunately we all go through what you are feeling. It's a crappy place to be…hopelessness!! I totally understand where you are at..I've been there many times. ((HUGS))

  9. I agree with others – I think we all hit this point. Hopefully this is what your body needs to surprise you next month with two lines! I wish I had the words to make your pain go away, but know that we are all here thinking about you and are willing to support you any way we can!

  10. I know what you mean about the pregnancy tests. At the beginning of TTC, I used to get SO nervous and hopeful about seeing 2 lines. Now, it's just like, eh. Another pregnancy test. No expectations or hopes. It sucks. But, hopefully it will make the 2 lines in the future so much better because of the surprise!http://jesstryingtoconceive.blogspot.com/

  11. Aw, you're not sounding hopeless, you're just sounding like the rest of us who have battled for so long. There is a point where we all stop believing it'll happen, we WANT it to happen but what are the odds? Have you spoke to your doctor yet about the future and what it may hold for you?

  12. I wish there was something we all could do to make you feel better today. You are not being dramatic…you are being honest and I admire you for it! Hang in there Jos..xoxo

  13. Wow, its too bad we don't live closer b/c you are always seem to be in the same place mentally. I just posted something similar moments ago and then came over here to see how you are doing and read this.Today, I am not going to say anything inspirational. I am just going to listen and let you know I am here for you. But secretly I have hope for the both of us.

  14. So sorry you're bummed. Hugs to you!

  15. You know…that's a Led Zeppelin song, right?xo

  16. And there's a Seether song called "Sympathetic." That's what I am.HUGE HUGS coming your way in T-minus 44 days!!!

  17. This journey is exhausting!! Even in times of despair hope will get you through to the times when you can smile again. I survived that way for four years. HUGS!!!!

  18. You ladies are amazing – every one of you. Thank you for all of the support. I don't know what I'd do without y'all. ((HUGS))@Amaprincess – CONGRATS ON YOUR BFP!!!!! After 4 years of TTC, you most certainly deserve that happiness.

  19. 🙁 I'm so sorry.

  20. :(Please don't give up. It happens. I promise you it does. It took us over 2 years and I agree with you – the loser feelings are all-encompassing each month. Please, keep the hope.BIG HUG.

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