So Tired…

To save myself a bunch of re-writing, I’m just going to copy/paste a bit of what I was writing Amanda this morning so you know where my head is right now. I’m a mess. A Total. Freaking. Mess.
…last night I had an absolute meltdown….fear, sadness, stress….everything combined from [everything]…I dunno, I’m just maxed out. My best friend since 7th grade called when I walked in the door from work and I just lost it. Sobbing on the phone. Told her some of it…Told her about just feeling broke and broken. Poor girl didn’t know what she was getting into when she called me. 🙂 

At any rate, [hubby] walked in while I was on the phone, and when I got off and walked back in from the backyard, he just pulled me onto his lap in our recliner and held me while I cried & cried. What a mess. We ended up talking about some things IF related, but it’s hard to talk about most of it. He tries to make me feel better and says things like “things will be okay” – “maybe we’re not supposed to have kids” – “you always have me” – “life is good – i have a wife i love and trust and come home to every night”

Yeah, that made me bawl worse. 

I dunno. I tried to explain to him that sometimes his positivity makes me feel like he doesn’t want this as badly as me. Then he gets all frustrated and says this is why he doesn’t talk to be about the IF – b/c I just cry, he feels like he says the wrong things, of course he wants a kid, but he doesn’t want me to ever think he’s leave me if we couldn’t.

At any rate, I finally get calmed down a little bit and think I can breathe without sobbing, and we decide to watch a movie together. As we’re turning it on, I get a phone call from my friend H (one of two BFFs from college – lived together, etc). I haven’t chatted with her in ages (she’s a med student in her 2nd yr of residency and super busy) so I answered. Last time I physically saw her was December when the old college roommates got together in MN. I told her and J (my other BFF from college) about the IF, about how hard it’s been, etc. H had a 2 yr old boy and they were waiting until after residency to try for a 2nd. J was 8 months pregnant with her first at the time. They were both super supportive and great.

You can see where this is going, right?

About 30 seconds into the conversation I can tell something is off. I ask her what’s up, and she says, “well, [DH] and I are expecting.”

*Pause* *deep breaths from me* *Hubby can tell by my face what I was just told and is giving me the “simmer down” sign* 

Congrats! Wow, how exciting. Are you finding out the gender? (She’s an MD so I figured yes, but just politely asking)


Um, yeah, we actually already know, we’re having a little girl. Due the day after your birthday (so Jan 21). 


Um, wow. That’s exciting. 
So yeah, she’s 21 weeks already. And just telling me. 

I think that hurt as much as anything – that to add injury to insult, she doesn’t even bother to freakin call me until she’s almost 5 months along. 

I dunno, my heart just dropped. I made a bit of mindless chit chat and told her I needed to go. Hung up the phone, started sobbing again. 

I hate this. I hate that I reacted like that. I hate that I hurt so badly and that she closed me out. Last pregnancy she told me at 6 weeks (roughly if I remember right). Um, yeah. 21 weeks. 

I’m just so tired…  


  1. I am in pretty much the same place right now. There is so much going on in our life and nothing seems to be going right including having a baby. I am so stressed I can barely breathe. I recently had a friend, who knows our IF problems, tell me she was pregnant with her 4th on accident!! The kicker was that she was already 4 months along. I was so upset that she waited that long to tell me. I hate that any of us girls have to deal with infertility…its not fair!!((HUGS))

  2. I cannot STAND it when people wait to tell you for that long. A friend of mine from college did the same thing- didn't tell till she was 18 weeks. I mean, I guess pregnant people are damned if they do and damned if they dont- I don't want them to call me when they are 4 weeks or when they are 20 weeks! Ha!!And just as my own little rant, it also bugs me when IF bloggers don't fess up until like 10 weeks or something. I mean, here we are, all trying to get pregnant and you continue blogging for that long without telling us!??!!?

  3. a million hugs. i'm sorry everything is hard right now.

  4. I'm with ms James up there. And do me a favor. Take a quick glance over at that countdown. Less than seven days. LESS THAN SEVEN DAYS.Smile doll, it looks good on you.Love you!!

  5. Yeah. On top of it, I see congrats on her Facebook page a month ago from others who had 'just heard!" Sheesh. It's just hurtful and insulting that she wouldn't have told me months ago.

  6. Sorry you are having such a rough time right now, I've been there before and it is no fun. I drink lots of wine and wait for it to pass 🙂 Hope things turn around for you soon!

  7. It's a shitty spot to be in. On a break from treatment and the entire world gets knocked up.I think I had 3 people tell me they were pregnant on one of my edd's. I know they wouldn't remember that but still, gotta love twisting the knife and pushing it a little deeper.I hope this weekend brings you some joy and some relief, especially from the IF world.My dh has found out about family pregnancies and kept them from me bc he thought it would be easier for me. It was not. ugh.

  8. Oh Josey – I'm so sorry you are in a bad spot right now.((Hugs))I think we all have these meltdowns once in a while. It's natural and I don't think we can expect to always handle things well and feel like everything is going to be ok.I'm sure you're friend was just trying to come up with a way to tell you without hurting you (even though it was the opposite effect). I would have told her "I wish you would have told me sooner" but I'm sure it was hard enough to stay on the line and chit chat.Gosh – our poor hubbies just have no idea how to respond to our emotions. They have their own emotions but they are completely different. Men tend to want to offer a 'solution' when all we really want is to be heard – I think anyway.Sorry for the long comment! Hugs again.

  9. Josey, I am so sorry. I wish so badly that I could take you away from all of this pain. It hurts when we hear about pregnancies and it hurts when they wait to tell us. Either way, all around it just sucks!Reading the part about your conversation between your husband and you sounds very similar to many my husband and I have. I do not think that it means any less that they do not want children. I think he just really truly loves you and just wants you to be happy. I want you to be happy to. You are in my prayers and I am sending big (((HUGS))))

  10. Hugs, hugs, hugs.Real ones, NEXT WEEK.

  11. Ouch…I wonder why she decided to wait so long to tell you. That would hurt, regardless of IF or not! *sending major hugs your way* I'm sorry about your break down last night too – sometimes you just need to cry and vent and let it all out. It's a stress reliever. Make a date night stat with hubs and enjoy a night out together. It sounds like you both could use one!

  12. I am so sorry. That had to hurt. The whole thing. It was painful just to read. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay, but I don't know that for sure. This shit SUCKS.(PS: My husband also says, "At least we have each other." I know he means well, but it still makes me cry even harder.)

  13. I'm sorry to hear about this. I've definitely been in a situation where nothing seems to work right for me, but perfectly for everyone least on the baby topic…so it makes me to sad to read that you are going through this right now. I know with Bryan, he said similar things – "I"m happy with just us" and "maybe we aren't meant to have a baby" which actually made me hurt worse. His standpoint – he's a fixer and was trying to take the pressure off of me and make me feel better. As far as your friend goes – I'm not sure why she waited to tell you. I know my friends sometimes felt unsure of what to tell me with their pregnancies as they thought it would bring me pain. I know how you feel that it sucks to hear about anyone getting pregnant, but you feel even worse if they don't tell you. I'm glad you had a good cry though – even though it's soo hard to talk about. My thoughts are with you!

  14. I had a very similar thing happen with my best friend. My best friend who I see at least once every few weeks and I talk to almost every day. She didn't tell me she was pregnant until 12 weeks. Not as bad as 6 months, but I still felt incredibly hurt by it. We talked about my TTC efforts daily and she never offered the info that they were trying too. I sat in my closet and bawled to my mom on the phone for about an hour. DH and I have also had similar conversations. Communication between a husband and wife is hard anyway, but especially about IF! I hope you feel better soon Josey. I know that you aren't going to have to wait too much longer. :big hugs:

  15. Wow, what an emotionally exhausting evening. I wonder if your friend H has been putting off telling you for so long because she knows it will be hard for you, and just couldn't get the courage up to make the call. Not a good excuse, but it was probably because she was thinking of you, at least.I used to get a little frustrated with how positive my husband always seemed to be about all the IF stuff. But I realized that it would have been a lot harder for me if he had struggled as much as I did. He kept me grounded and more objective–reminded me that one period really wasn't the end of the world, etc. Even if that annoyed me at the time, I think it was what I needed.

  16. I just found out about 20 minutes ago one of my good friends is pregnant and she told me because I asked her…she didn't know how to tell me and she has known for a bit. This in addition to finding out my best friend was pregnant a couple weeks ago has been so trying for me. I just want you to know you are not alone in this. I love ya girl!

  17. I'm sorry:( My BFF is pregnant too, with her 2nd. She told me at 4 weeks with the first, and 9 weeks with this one. She has always been there for me through IF and has been more supportive than ANYONE I know. I want to be there for her too, but it's just so incredibly hard. We have nothing in common now:( Sigh…why us. Thinking about you…

  18. I too feel like friends in real life and in blog world are popping up every day pregnant! I wish I had the answers to all of your questions right now, but just ride it out and see what happens. Your man is so loving to sit you on his lap and let you have a good cry. Remember it can be just as hard on him as it is on you. I really hope things start to turn around for you! HUGS

  19. I wish I could come and give you a big hug. BIG BIG hug. I've been on both sides of this issue – when we were trying for our first, one of my very good friends who I had been talking to about our woes for a long time informed me one day that she was 14 weeks. Yeah. I was hurt. That she wouldn't even share with me that they were trying too, when I was being so open with her about everything we were going through, including having to gain weight, cut exercise, and at that point three failed injectible cycles.Fast forward a few years, and I now have two precious boys. And still know, mostly through the web, a lot of people who are trying for their first. A few, in particular who have had a really long, rough journey. I didn't tell them right away because I know from the other side how hard such announcements can be, especially when it's NOT your first – I felt like it was so unfair that I was so lucky and my friends weren't. I am willing to bet that is at least some of what your friend was thinking. And then all of a sudden she realized that you'd find out eventually and she HAD to tell you, and that was probably why it was so awkward. And of course it didn't help that you were already feeling like crap about it that particular day anyway. From the side of the one making the announcement, you kinda feel like you're in a damned if you do, damned if you don't position, and really all you want is for your friend to be pregnant too so that these announcements don't hurt so much anymore.I'm not saying that she was right in waiting to tell you, but I can understand why she didn't. And especially being someone who has not gone through IF, she doesn't know that it hurts you more that she waited, because then you're not only wistful about the pregnancy and wanting it to be your turn, but also feeling excluded. One thing that I found really helped me, after my fourth failed injectible cycle when I was staring down the barrel of IVF and completely convinced that wouldn't work for me either, was to talk to DH about adoption. He had originally said that he was totally against it, and so I was feeling like if I couldn't have a child of my own that was the end of all my hopes and dreams of the future. We re-discussed, and he did agree that if we got to the end of the IVF trail (your end-point may be different), that he would be open to considering the idea. For me that really helped lighten the load, knowing that some how, some way, we would have a child. I don't know if you might feel similarly, and having that discussion with DH might make you more confident of an end result that you are looking for (I really don't think you will get to that point though!!)xox

  20. P.S. Nic=Nico from noperiodbaby, I have another account where I post kid-stuff and happened to be logged in with that.

  21. Oh Josey I am so sorry. Sending you some HUGS!!

  22. So sorry to hear about the suckiness of your 'friends'. I hate when people just dance around an issue like that. A while ago, I decided to just quit Facebook because of all the 'fake' friends I had on my list. I realized that most of them really didn't care about me. Sometimes it is best to let go of the friendship. Hopefully you can overcome all these stressful situations soon. No one likes to see you sad. 🙁 Praying it all gets better for you.~Jess

  23. Hugs to you. I get the frustration. All I can say is we are here to listen whenever and hopefully provide some sort of comfort. *HUGS*

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: