Day 16 – Photo from childhood and something I could live without. AKA, crawling out of the dark hole.

Day 16: a photo from your childhood

I am the oldest of four sisters (little bro was probably an infant when this pic was taken). I cannot even imagine being a Mother to that many children. Thanks for a great childhood Mom. 🙂

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

My insecurity.

This is such a multi-faceted issue for me. My insecurity about everything in life lately is causing a lot of heartache and pain lately, both in my life and in my marriage. I don’t want to go too deeply into it online at this point, but suffice it to say that insecurity about everything from my body’s seeming inability to conceive and bear a child (DAMN YOU INFERTILITY) to my choices/options regarding my career and life path is “causing” (or I’m allowing it to cause) depression, eating issues (binging/purging) and drinking issues Basically, lately I I deal with everything the wrong way and I feel like every choice I make will never be the right one. I feel so fucking lost. I’m writing this calmly now, but I assure you I was nothing like this as I bawled for 5 hours straight yesterday. My husband forced me to have a very serious conversation with him about everything yesterday morning, and I know things need to change. For the sake of my health and my marriage, they must change. I confided in my acupuncturist today about a lot of it (she is just so absolutely great) and she recommended a counselor/therapist here in town that I’m calling today at 4pm. I’m petrified to take this next step, but I know I need to.

Please wish me luck crawling out of this dark hole I’ve dug for myself. 🙁


  1. We all feel a little overwhelmed sometimes, and even though it is scary, you reaching out is the best thing you can do for yourself. Good luck and be patient with yourself about opening up to a stranger :-)-D (A former counselor)

  2. This is definitely normal. Things are just piling up on you and you need to be able to talk about everything to really deal with it. Counseling will be good, not just so you can let hubs know about what is going on in your mind, but also so that you can really know what is going on with him. I am sorry you feeling so much heartache right now. Know that you have a ton of people out here supporting you. Even if you can't see us, we're here.

  3. I'm sorry you feel like you're in such a dark hole. The counseling will be great, and you also seem to have a husband who's going to be your rock no matter what. Praying for you and sending you hugs!

  4. When you're unsure about your future (especially the part about being family and continuing along the "path" that you've always wanted), it's tough to focus on the present. I am with you 100% – talk to anyone and everyone that will help you get through your difficult emotions. Infertility sucks, but bottling up your emotions sucks even more. (BTW – I cried on the phone to my mom last night until I was practically hyperventilating. The Kleenex count was astounding.) I feel ya, sister.

  5. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now. I'm likewise glad that you're going to talk to someone – it can be so helpful to get a fresh perspective on things, and also talk to someone you can feel safe telling anything to. I hope the dark hole gets filled in soon. xox.

  6. I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I think it is great that you want to do something about it though…I hope talking to a counselor helps. ((HUGS))

  7. I just went to a therapist for the 1st time on Tuesday! I felt mixed about it. If I were you, I'd look up the RESOLVE website and see if there is a counselor who specializes in infertility in your area. Mine really doesnt specialize in that, and I'm not sure if it's worth it to me to go back…(HUG) about insecurity. My friends make me feel so insecure, it's phenominal. You're not alone- hang in there!

  8. Oh girl, I think we all hit that place. I had a talk with JJ last week too – I hope you felt better after getting everything out there. There is no easy way to deal with all of this, that's for sure. HUGS!

  9. My dear, I <3 you, don't ever forget that.

  10. It takes a LOT of courage to write that and even more to call someone about it! Good for you! You are making the right choices for you and your health! So very proud of you 🙂

  11. I haven't been spending much time on the computer lately, other than farm stuff, and so just now when I read this I feel terrible that I haven't been in touch with you more, Josey. Therapy is a wonderful thing. And good for Charlie that he forced the issue. And stop calling yourself infertile. You're not infertile, it's just taking you awhile to conceive. I love love love you. Trust that life will lead you where you need to go. With God, all things are possible. I promise you that all will be well. Seriously, I promise. You just have today, now, this moment…so make it a good moment by being kind to yourself. Let go of the past, it's over and done. Be joyful and grateful right here, right now. All my love, xxMom

  12. I'm down in that hole too. Pass me a beer since you're down here.Wait… this isn't helping at all.I heard a quote today that said something like "You can't experience true love and happiness until you've fully experienced true pain and suffering."I hate the person who coined it – whoever it may be.

  13. i am so sorry to hear you are not in a good place right now. you deserve to be as you are a wonderful person. i hope that you find some help and start to feel better. we are here to listen to anything you have to say.

  14. HUG. I am sorry you are going through all this and I hope you find answers to any questions you have because you deserve so much happiness and are such a beautiful person.

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