After 5 months of TTC (and already feeling totally lost and frustrated about this journey), I gave up the dream of saying “SURPRISE Mom & Dad – you’re going to be grandparents!” … and instead confided in my Mom about our struggles. She had no idea we were trying (or having troubles), and I am so grateful that I confided in her (and eventually in all of my immediate family). It’s been wonderful having their support through this crappy journey.
At any rate, Mom now follows this blog (“Juls” in my comments), and she constantly tells me how impressed she is with this community of women I have grown to know and love and be a part of. She lives 1,100 miles away, and she is so grateful that you are all here to lift me up when I’m down, to give me advice when I’m lost, to send me virtual hugs when I’m crying. I’m grateful for you too. 🙂
Back to what I meant to write about… confiding in Mom has led to her confiding in some of her girlfriends about our struggles (most of them best friends since childhood – they all still live in the same area), and these women in turn confided in her… and it is sort of amazing how many of their children have issues.
In an email Mom sent me this week, she said that at her book club meeting this week, there were 7 women present.
Mom: 4 daughters, 1 son. I’m the only TTC’er so far, and you know our struggles.
Friend 1: 3 daughters, 2 sons. As far as I know, only 1 daughter TTC so far, and she had an ectopic pregnancy and lost part of her tube, so they were obviously worried. Thankfully now has a daughter… no idea what her TTC struggles will be in the future.
Friend 2: 2 daughters. One currently pregnant, one doesn’t have a viable uterus so she’s pursuing adoption.
Friend 3: 2 daughters. One suffered several m/c so she’s adopting now. The other not TTC yet.
Friend 4: 1 daughter, 2 sons. Daughter only TTCer so far – 2 kids, with a m/c between them.
Friends 5 & 6: – have kids who haven’t TTC yet. One daughter has PCOS – I’m praying for no issues for her.
In Mom’s words:
Point is, we were sort of struck by all the issues….none of us had any trouble getting pregnant. None of us had even had a miscarriage. Really sort of made us wonder…what are the odds….of so many of the daughters of our small group having all these issues related to having children?
It’s scary, this crappy world we’re part of. I’m SO incredibly thankful to have met you all, but wow… can you even imagine being part of a group of friends where nobody has problems TTC?! Crazy to even try to imagine anymore.
That being said, do you think it’s more prevalent now b/c women tend to wait longer? Because of environmental factors? Or is it not even more prevalent? Is it just talked about more now? Maybe my Mom had a friend that had issues TTC, and 30 years ago that woman withdrew from the group b/c it was too hard to be around fertile women?
These are the things I think about. My husband just bounded in talking about how beautiful it is outside today. I need to be more like him. Time to get outside. 🙂
Once you open the door to sharin your struggle, it's amazing how many people you'll know that had been through something similar. It's like the blog world. We're all connected because of things we have in common and things we've dealt with. I'm happy for you and I wish you the best.
It is hard to say what the reasons are. I am definitely older than my mom was. She was done having both my brother and I by the time she was 25. I didn't TTC until 26. But I also know that my mom and all her sisters were regular as clockwork when it came to their periods and I seem to be the only person in my family with abnormal cycles. Could have been from being on B.C for so many years. I know my mom never was. Could be from the Bendictin that she took for nausea when she was pregnant with me. Could be from our environment, what we eat, how much stress. It is probably a random combination of things for each of us. But I also agree it has a lot to do with people being more apt to talk about it now. Andy's mom had several m/c before she conceived him and they were trying for 7 years. She had one or two m/c between him and his sister. So IF existed it is just a question of if there are more of them now and if we'll ever figure out why. By the way I am glad you confided in your family. You need the support. It was so amazing once I shared it with my in-laws and my aunt. They were all so loving and supportive. Plus then you don't get the "when are you having kids" questions because they seemed to covertly pass on to other family members that it was a sensitive topic.
That's so crazy that you wrote this because my mom just said the exact same thing to me last night. She was saying that it's so weird that none of her friends seemed to have trouble and yet all of their kids do. I think it's probably a combo of all the reasons you listed, but most likely it's because of how open we are now as opposed to then. Think how hard it would have been to be the lone infertile in a group of 1970's/1980's baby makers. Ugh!Good luck today on your call. I'm thinking about ya.
I can't believe you were able to keep it from your mom for that long. I told mine right away, and yeah, the surprise is different, but I can tell you it will be so much more when you get to announce it! I thought I was missing out on something by not being able to do things the normal way, but I've gained so many more supporters than I would have had otherwise – and you have to. So many more people will be TRULY happy for you… they really share in your joy like they've won some great prize as well. It's amazing.I think it is a bit of everything. I know my mom suffered 2 miscarriages before my sisters and I were born and she never really told anyone at all. She said people just didn't talk about it. Also, people would try for years and years and never call it a problem before. Eventually they'd get pregnant, but it was just seen as taking longer than most – not infertility. Could be birth control, could be age, could be some crap we are consuming now… who knows.
I agree that after you are more open with your struggles that you are often surprised about the struggles of others, too. It does seem odd though that there were so many struggles in that small group.
I had this exact same conversation with my mom, and my friends mom (my friends sister had 3 miscarriages, so that's how it came up) Both were AMAZED at how common this seems to be nowadays. My mom only knew one person who had a miscarriage, but that was because of a physical accident. ALL of her friends had kids right after marriage. Crazy.I think it's a combo of women speaking up, and environmental. There's no denying how much food has changed over the past few decades. I truly believe that plays a part in overall fertility issues. But at the same time, we are all talking about it, and the internet has really give us a voice.Consult news please!!!
I guess issues with infertility are just more out in the open these days. Like many of the girls that already commented have said…it is amazing how a lot of people I tell know other people going through similar things. 2 of my good friends are also having trouble getting pregnant. Weird that in my group of girlfriends that 3 of us are having major TTC problems. You are right though that this community of girls is absolutely priceless.
I can't imagine being in a group of friends where no one had any issues getting pregnant! I really think infertility issues have got to be more prevalent these days. I'm sure some of it has to do with us waiting longer, but really, the majority of us who have trouble are not over 35, and many are under 30. I think part of it has got to be in the increasingly toxic environment we've grown up in. And the increasing number of weight-related issues (either obesity or anorexia). And who knows what else!
Sorry I have been gone from the computer for a few days I'm just reading this and its great you opened up to your mom, I bet its a huge weight off your chest. How lucky those women were to not have issues, too bad their daughters don't have the same luck.
Wow, that's pretty crazy. I have to believe it's a mix of all the things you mentioned. Also, maybe people are becoming more comfortable talking about it these days. Once one person opens up, others feel comfortable to do so as well. I'm so glad you have your mom's support. That would be invaluable.
I feel it is probably a mixture of all of these things. Which makes it even more difficult for us to have answers for 'why me?'. I am glad you were able to confide in your mother. I bet your bond with her will get that much better.