Okay… I’ll start this post off with a quick disclaimer. I always try really hard to NOT be that girl that bitches and moans non-stop about the fertiles around her (and about their endless FB posts). Like has been said before, their fertility isn’t causing my infertility. Their pregnancy announcement will never been the cause of my BFN.
Believe me, that doesn’t mean I’ve perfected the art of being instantly happy and congratulatory to those who seem to get KU at the drop of a hat…BUT, I try hard to control the negative reaction, because what good would those negative vibes do me?
Some days though… some days I just need to step away from the computer. The girl I’m about to talk about is a nice person. She’s beautiful. She’s a year younger than me, and she married a really good guy friend of mine from college. And apparently, she’s incredibly fertile. Here are her last few posts:
Is 20 weeks from being the mom of 3 boys under 4. Wow I really need to question my decision making abilities.
Looks about 7 months pregnant at 22 weeks. Please tell me that I will slow down.
Misses wine. And beer. And beergaritas. July seems like forever away. Was anyone elses third pregnancy the longest?
I get it. Pregnancy can be hard. Three boys under 4 can be hard. But when you have this perfect little family and seemingly no problems getting pregnant, it’s still hard as hell for me to control my knee-jerk gut reaction of crazy, insane jealousy and frustration that you’re complaining about it. UGHHHHHHH!
 |
| Faces obscured to protect the innocent fertiles my rant is about. I know it’s not their fault that I suffer from ridiculous jealousy pangs. I mean, this is their perfect little family in July – and she conceived their 3rd about 3 months after this. How idyllic. |
PS – Thankfully, even though with her first two pregnancies there were many MANY ultrasound pics and belly shots, with this pregnancy she didn’t post a SINGLE thing on FB until 20 weeks, and she has yet to post any pictures. I know, it’s totally her prerogative to proclaim it to the rooftops, and if she had, she’d probably be hidden in my feed right now. Who knows, maybe when I get my BFP I will want to post those things myself (with a note about how hard it was to reach that spot in our journey!), but at this point in my journey, my tender infertile heart really appreciates it that she hasn’t.
Jealousy is an ugly bitch, isn’t she?
You don't have to call it jealousy…..maybe just 'frustration with the unfairness of infertility coupled with having to partake in others' happiness when we have none for ourselves'. I near you. One of my best friends just got KU on her first try. And she already has the perfect life too. It was hard to swallow. But I hope I'm not too far behind her. And I hope the same for you!
I (luckily) am not too much of a facebook junkie and miss most of those kind of updates. Which means that when I do update myself on aquaintances lives, I'm blind-sided by the fact that they now have a 2 month old. I'm sorry you have someone who is close to you who is "obnoxiously fertile".
I have a hard time believing that someone could be so completely A) clueless and B) thoughtless. Does she not know anyone who had had trouble ttc or a m/c? Can someone really have their head in the sand that much? I think it's hard not to feel some ugly feelings when the pregnancy is thrown in your face, especially the first comment. ugh.
Honestly, until 2 yrs ago I was pretty much clueless about m/c and IF. If we'd have gotten pregnant right away, it's quite possible I still wouldn't know. That's why education about this is so important – so "fertiles" can learn how to be sensitive about this disease. I was just having a pity party night when I saw her FB post tonight. *sigh*
It's hard to watch someone get something you desperately want so easily. I totally understand. The BFP (I am finally figuring out what all the acronyms mean!) will happen and then you get to make other people jealous!In the meantime, rant all you want. We are always here to listen.
Just start leaving infertile updates on your facebook. Then you can make the fertiles as uncomfortable as they've made you. Seriously. Yolk has a whole post on this.
It seems like it will never get easier hearing about someone who can get pregnant at the drop of the hat. Even when you finally do get PG, you're jealous that they didn't have to try as long as you. I've got friends on FB that do the weekly updates – I think that's a bit much, but to each their own I guess.
Oh, and I didn't mean when YOU finaly do get PG figuratively, I meant "once we all." Just realized that might have come across the wrong way. 🙂
I had to actually blocked one of my facebook friends at one point because her posts always included terms that referred to her unborn baby such as "parasite" and "alien" and were constant complaints about pregnancy. Yes people have a right to complain about their own situation, but you also have to take care of yourself. If that means avoiding facebook for awhile or blocking certain people, than so be it.
Others may disagree with me, but I don't view how you're feeling as jealousy. It's realizing just how horrible it is what others take for granted. Your FB friend? She is taking for granted the most precious thing of all and that's horrible.
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I don't have the same knee jerk "don't post about your pregnancy on facebook" reaction that I know some people have. Sometimes though it's just enough. My feeling is that if 3 boys under the age of three is such a big job maybe she should spend less time updating her status on facebook and more time playing with the kids (I can be bitchy with the best of em). 🙂
Yes, "she" is ugly and got the best of me for many years. I know people will argue with me and it could start controversy. However, this just reiterates my thought that fertiles just do not get it, they never can. Most are unable to truly cherish a pregnancy. For that, I actually thank infertility. It has made me a better person and aware of what people are going through around me. I cherish every single moment my baby continues to grow in my belly…even the hard times. Because you and I both know what it is like to feel so empty for so long. Do not be too hard on yourself. You are human and from what I hear you are pretty considerate and compassionate while you are in so much pain.
Ugh, these feelings never go away, even after a BFP. I felt the pang of jealousy when a guy friend from high school just posted that his wife is pregnant again. They had their first about a year ago. So they were expecting at the height of our IF struggle. It will be your turn soon!
Seriously!? What is with people lately??? I would be feeling the exact same way right now. Sometimes people just have NO CLUE. I say block her from your feed..you don't need more complaints or updates…
I think the hardest thing is watching people who don't seem to realize (really, really realize) how LUCKY the are. I never minded my SIL during her pregnancies, as hard as it was to be around her sometimes, because she didn't make those stupid woe-is-me or parenthood-is-so-hard comments. But two of DH's cousins, both of whom get pregnant at the drop of a hat and announce it instantly on facebook, love to post non-stop about how they're SO SICK, and they've got SO MANY KIDS, and they get NO SLEEP. And I just want them to shove it.
I post things on FB from time to time because I like to keep people updated on where I am, etc. Plus, it's fun that I finally CAN do that. At first I tried to keep my pregnancy out of public eye for fear of upsetting others, but then I realized I was limiting my experience which wasn't entirely fair to myself either.I hope my updates haven't made you sad. 🙁
Okay since you're taking the high road, I'll hate her for you. I hate her. There.
I do appreciate that you don't complain much about anything at all on your blog! Because, as your friend has just illustrated, putting your complaints out for others to see never helps anyone. And yet it's our favorite thing to do on social networks!
Ugh, we really, really need a FB filter that allows us to hide any status updates that refer to pregancy. my jeaously but completely understands yours and why it is mad.
ouch.Her status updates kill me … questioning her decision making abilities? I know she's kidding, that hurts. I wish I had that decision to make!