Dear Little RockStar,
This morning I had a total emotional breakdown while freaking out that we might have lost you. Thank God Daddy was there to hold my hand while I cried & hyperventilated. Please don’t ever scare me like that again. Capisci?
|Yes, I still think u/s pics are kinda creepy and alien-like, but you’re my creepy alien-like baby. 😉|
Long Story Short – all is well. RockStar is fine, and the midwives estimated that his/her heartbeat is in the 150-160s.
The Longer Story – I had a nightmare last night regarding little RockStar. ‘Nuff said. Needless to say, I was doing my best to hold my shit together at our appointment this morning. We talked with the midwife for awhile, and then she went to find a heartbeat with the doppler. And she couldn’t. At 14 weeks.
She walked out of the room to find another midwife to help, and I just grabbed C’s hand and let the tears roll down my cheeks while I took the deepest breathes possible. I stared at the water-stained dropped ceiling and thought, This is why I haven’t been puking. This is because I slept on my back and ate cold deli meat. This is what I’m going to be looking at when they tell me the awful news that I’ve lost my baby.
The bottom dropped out of my fucking world while we waited the longest 10 minutes of my life for the other midwife to come and run the archaic ultrasound machine.
10 minutes. Do you know how long 10 minutes can feel like?
Midwife #2 finally walked in and immediately started reassuring me and telling me that if they had any issues finding a baby and heartbeat with their ancient machine that they would immediately send me right across the street to the hospital to the high tech machine.
Thank God she found the heartbeat right away.
Granted, that just made me cry more in relief, but after they left the room, C told me that it was probably a much needed cry for me. I’m normally a pretty emotional person, but I don’t think I’ve cried since I found out I was pregnant – that is weird for me! (well, if you don’t count the miserable whining cries to my Mom b/c of the morning sickness)
Ugh, what a morning.
As to my normal weekly update stuff, I’m kind of tired of them already, but I do want to document it to hopefully compare with a 2nd pregnancy someday, so I’ll try to still write about a few things.
*I weighed in at 165# this morning (down 2# from last week, up 1.2# from yesterday, up 4# overall since BFP 10 weeks ago). Do other people’s weights vary this much all the time? I feel like I’ve always been this way. Meh, whatever.
*RockStar is 3.4″ long, weighs 1.5oz, and is the size of a lemon. It’s still weird to think there’s a human growing inside me, but I have a feeling that it will always feel weird. It’s going to be even weirder if I find out I’m growing a pen.is inside of me. On that note, we’re still thinking we’ll not find out the gender. We’ll see if I can stay strong on this. 🙂
*I’m still loving fruit, and thankfully omelets (specifically eggs) are sounding good to me again. I’m trying really hard to up my protein intake, but that is just not what I’m craving lately. Oh yeah, ice cream. Ice cream always sounds good. Mmmmmm….
I’m off to take a nap and try to get rid of this crying headache. TTFN.