14 Weeks, and a Slight Breakdown

Dear Little RockStar, 

This morning I had a total emotional breakdown while freaking out
that we might have lost you. Thank God Daddy was there to hold my hand while I cried & hyperventilated. Please don’t ever scare me like that again. Capisci?


Yes, I still think u/s pics are kinda creepy and alien-like, but you’re my creepy alien-like baby. πŸ˜‰ 


Long Story Short – all is well. RockStar is fine, and the midwives estimated that his/her heartbeat is in the 150-160s.

The Longer Story – I had a nightmare last night regarding little RockStar. ‘Nuff said. Needless to say, I was doing my best to hold my shit together at our appointment this morning. We talked with the midwife for awhile, and then she went to find a heartbeat with the doppler. And she couldn’t. At 14 weeks.

She walked out of the room to find another midwife to help, and I just grabbed C’s hand and let the tears roll down my cheeks while I took the deepest breathes possible. I stared at the water-stained dropped ceiling and thought, This is why I haven’t been puking. This is because I slept on my back and ate cold deli meat. This is what I’m going to be looking at when they tell me the awful news that I’ve lost my baby.

The bottom dropped out of my fucking world while we waited the longest 10 minutes of my life for the other midwife to come and run the archaic ultrasound machine.

10 minutes. Do you know how long 10 minutes can feel like?

Midwife #2 finally walked in and immediately started reassuring me and telling me that if they had any issues finding a baby and heartbeat with their ancient machine that they would immediately send me right across the street to the hospital to the high tech machine.

Thank God she found the heartbeat right away.

Granted, that just made me cry more in relief, but after they left the room, C told me that it was probably a much needed cry for me. I’m normally a pretty emotional person, but I don’t think I’ve cried since I found out I was pregnant – that is weird for me! (well, if you don’t count the miserable whining cries to my Mom b/c of the morning sickness)

Ugh, what a morning.

As to my normal weekly update stuff, I’m kind of tired of them already, but I do want to document it to hopefully compare with a 2nd pregnancy someday, so I’ll try to still write about a few things.

*I weighed in at 165# this morning (down 2# from last week, up 1.2# from yesterday, up 4# overall since BFP 10 weeks ago). Do other people’s weights vary this much all the time? I feel like I’ve always been this way. Meh, whatever.

*RockStar is 3.4″ long, weighs 1.5oz, and is the size of a lemon. It’s still weird to think there’s a human growing inside me, but I have a feeling that it will always feel weird. It’s going to be even weirder if I find out I’m growing a pen.is inside of me. On that note, we’re still thinking we’ll not find out the gender. We’ll see if I can stay strong on this. πŸ™‚

*I’m still loving fruit, and thankfully omelets (specifically eggs) are sounding good to me again. I’m trying really hard to up my protein intake, but that is just not what I’m craving lately. Oh yeah, ice cream. Ice cream always sounds good. Mmmmmm….

I’m off to take a nap and try to get rid of this crying headache. TTFN.


  1. I weigh more when I haven't pooped. πŸ™‚ I'm sure you weigh less after that cry. As I said before, I can't even imagine and thank god everything is okay. xoxo

  2. Im so glad everything is ok! Your little bump is SO stinking cute! πŸ™‚ Your little rockstar is in it for the long haul!! Hope things calm down for you and you dont have another breakdown anytime soon~that was enough to put any normal women through hell! You did awesome! πŸ™‚ Are you going to find out the sex?! Just think thats in less than 2 months! πŸ™‚ Your doing great!((Hugs))

  3. Sooooooooooooooooo glad to hear that everything turned out ok. I remember being in a similar situation and feeling just as scared as you were. It's just the first of many scares your little rock star is going to give to you.

  4. Oh I'm so sorry that happened πŸ™ and so glad Rockstar just didn't want to perform the shoddy machine. You know kids these days hate old technology!

  5. Oh shit that is scary. Glad everything was fine. That happened to me at an early midwife appointment. She was pointing the doppler all over the place and it felt like it took FOREVER to find the heartbeat. So I can kind of commiserate with ya there. Glad RockStar is doing good and I hope you are able to maintain your will not to find out. I might try to hold out for #2.

  6. Oh no, you had such a shitty morning. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You definitely needed a cry (something I do ALL THE TIME). I am so glad that everything is ok. I think holding out would be sooooo hard to do, but so worth it. Good for you for trying.

  7. You poor thing, I had a day in my pregnancy where I was absolutely certain we had lost the baby and it was devastating.My heart goes out to those who have miscarried and even those who have thought they have for even a few minutes.What a great picture though!!!!

  8. I'm so glad it turned out ok! I saw your facebook status about it being a long day and I immediately came to blogger to see if you posted something.

  9. Josey, that is horrible! I am SO glad that everything turned out ok πŸ™‚ You are looking super cute! And glowing πŸ™‚ So glad you are feeling better.

  10. Can you go across the street first for the next visits? Sorry about the scare! Glad everything is ok and you look great! Omelets… mmm, that sounds good. Take care!

  11. Gah, I'm sorry your appointment was so nerve-racking – I wish I could give you a big squishy hug to help you shake it off. ( I get crying headaches too)Girl, you should get yourself a doppler! Mine has saved me from SO many panic attacks. I think the one my friend lent me runs about $50.00. But I'm able to find the HB every time. Seems like it'd be worth every penny!Glad to hear baby's doing great!

  12. Yikes, what a crap morning! But what ha happy ending!! Phewww! πŸ™‚ Glad rockstar is rocking out like he/she should be πŸ™‚

  13. SOOO glad Little Rockstar is safe and sound! You are looking amazing! Keep up the good work:)

  14. what a scare! i'm so glad everything was ok! i can't believe you're already into your 2nd trimester. time is flying…at least for us spectators. πŸ˜‰

  15. Oh my that must have been the worst 10 mins of your life! I am so glad this post has a happy ending. I am still thinking of you and your family. Good luck on not finding the gender, that will take a lot of willpower!

  16. Oh, how scary. ((Hugs)) Glad your lil RockStar is doing well, though. You look great!! And early on, my weight did some crazy fluctuating – like, I gained 4 lbs and then lost 10 when the m/s got really bad. It's been increasing at a prety steady rate since about 15w, though. Now, RockStar, no more scares, m'kay? Mommy and Daddy need you to play nicer with the old machines. πŸ˜‰

  17. Oh. my. god. I'm so sorry you had to go through those excrutiating 10 minutes. It was hard for me to even read about that. THANK GOD everything is fine, and little Rockstar is a healthy lemon πŸ™‚ You are looking awesome Jos!!Ahh, I can breathe again. Welcome to the 2nd tri! Crazy!!

  18. Oh how scary; I'm sorry you had an appointment like that. I think that's a top fear for many people. I'm so glad to hear that your little baby is growing strong though and you are starting to get your appetite back. Rest up! You look beautiful by the way!

  19. Oh I am SO sorry you had to go through that this morning, but it sounds like your little lemons heartbeat is great!My first two appointments (14 weeks and 18 weeks) it took over 5 minutes each time to find the heartbeat. The first time I almost lost it. Believe me, as your little one gets bigger it becomes SO much easier for them to find it. My dr. always told me that he is small and moves a lot and it is hard to find with those dopplers.Glad to hear everything is ok!You look great!

  20. Holy crap! So glad all is ok!! SO sorry you got so scared. You look fantastic. I hope tomorrow is a better day!

  21. Oh my gosh Josey I am so sorry you had such a tough day. VERY glad that all is well with little rockstar lemon baby. Totally hate those crying headaches – get some rest if you can and enjoy your weekend. *BIG HUG*

  22. OMG I'm so glad you're OK and so is Rockstar. You look great!

  23. You look fantastic. My weight fluctuates every day, too–I think it's an effect of various eating/exercising/pooping/drinking routines.Soooo glad everything was fine. My heart always skipped a few beats at those earlier appointments when the OB went searching for the heartbeat.

  24. Oy! What a rollercoaster- I'm glad Rockstar is perfect as usual πŸ™‚ And your bump is adorable! Oh, and yes it's really weird to have a pen.is growing inside of me…I'm impressed you're going to try to not find out! What a fun surprise though on Rockstar's birthday if you can make it! (but secretly I want you to find out so that I can know…I'll admit my selfishness, I'm ok with that)

  25. So scary. I had a similar experience at 14 weeks. Not fun and I'm so glad that everything is okay. You'll feel so much better once baby starts kicking all the time to reassure you everything is okay.

  26. You just described my worst nightmare … I have yet to have my midwife try and find the heartbeat and am finally getting a second look at my Little Monkey on Wednesday this week …it has been 5 LOOOONG weeks since my first ultrasound and I'm PRAYING that all is well at my 12 week appointment this week.I honestly don't weight myself … but the last time I checked I hadn't gained at all which is weird because I definitely have a belly now that is getting hard to hide. Hopefully after Wednesday I will tell the rest of my co-workers and not have to hide anymore.

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