I’ve got to admit, I’ve been in a bit of a pity party of one mode lately. Through no choice of my own, I’ve been done working for a month already, and assuming a 40w delivery, I’m still five weeks out from meeting this little one. That equates to two months of doing nothing pre-baby…which also means two months of no income pre-baby, not to mention the never ending question in my mind of what the hell are we going to do post-baby?
I know that they say there is never a “perfect time” to have a child, and after going through IF, statements like that hit even closer to home.
We don’t get to “time” when we have our kids (I get SOOOO many comments about being due around Christmas and “how could I do that to my kid”), our occupations can suffer because we need more flexibility for RE appointments, and we usually don’t survive TTC with our savings accounts intact thanks to the fact that the majority of us in this ALI community don’t end up reaching our goal of bringing home our children until we have spent thousands (or more often, tens of thousands) of dollars on IF treatment and/or adoption costs.
If you’re lucky enough to get that BFP (and believe me, I know that I am lucky!), most in the ALI community then spend the next 36 weeks freaking out about all of the “what ifs?” …and if you’re like me, you get to this point, and then you start freaking out that you actually need to RAISE this child.
I think that’s a weird by-product of IF. You get so focused on GETTING pregnant, that sometimes the end goal of actually having a BABY that you need to raise for the rest of its life… that point of reality gets lost in the shuffle.
I’ve spent the last month feeling so incredibly lonely and isolated. I think it’s just because I’m not working, so I’m not getting any human contact. I have time to go out, but I can’t drink, and yes, I seriously miss that type of social interaction. I could do lunch dates with girlfriends, but that costs money that I really shouldn’t be spending right now, so that’s off the table. Shopping for baby things is also no fun when you’re thinking about every penny.
I know I’m not the first soon-to-be parent to stress about “how are we going to do this?” I know I’m not the first person to feel alone and disconnected from society.
But that doesn’t make it any easier right now.
The only thing that has been helping is days like today… a day when it feels like RockStar has been practicing nonstop for his/her spot in the finale of Dancing with the Stars. My belly has been hopping and bopping and moving all over the place, to the point where I have to just stop and laugh and stare in awe. No matter how isolated and alone I feel right now, I have to remind myself to be grateful that for the time being, I get to have little RockStar with me every minute of every day, and that is such a blessing.
Je t’aimerais toujours RockStar.