Isolated…but not truly alone

I’ve got to admit, I’ve been in a bit of a pity party of one mode lately. Through no choice of my own, I’ve been done working for a month already, and assuming a 40w delivery, I’m still five weeks out from meeting this little one. That equates to two months of doing nothing pre-baby…which also means two months of no income pre-baby, not to mention the never ending question in my mind of what the hell are we going to do post-baby?


I know that they say there is never a “perfect time” to have a child, and after going through IF, statements like that hit even closer to home.

We don’t get to “time” when we have our kids (I get SOOOO many comments about being due around Christmas and “how could I do that to my kid”), our occupations can suffer because we need more flexibility for RE appointments, and we usually don’t survive TTC with our savings accounts intact thanks to the fact that the majority of us in this ALI community don’t end up reaching our goal of bringing home our children until we have spent thousands (or more often, tens of thousands) of dollars on IF treatment and/or adoption costs.

If you’re lucky enough to get that BFP (and believe me, I know that I am lucky!), most in the ALI community then spend the next 36 weeks freaking out about all of the “what ifs?” …and if you’re like me, you get to this point, and then you start freaking out that you actually need to RAISE this child.

I think that’s a weird by-product of IF. You get so focused on GETTING pregnant, that sometimes the end goal of actually having a BABY that you need to raise for the rest of its life… that point of reality gets lost in the shuffle.

I’ve spent the last month feeling so incredibly lonely and isolated. I think it’s just because I’m not working, so I’m not getting any human contact. I have time to go out, but I can’t drink, and yes, I seriously miss that type of social interaction. I could do lunch dates with girlfriends, but that costs money that I really shouldn’t be spending right now, so that’s off the table. Shopping for baby things is also no fun when you’re thinking about every penny.

I know I’m not the first soon-to-be parent to stress about “how are we going to do this?” I know I’m not the first person to feel alone and disconnected from society.

But that doesn’t make it any easier right now.

The only thing that has been helping is days like today… a day when it feels like RockStar has been practicing nonstop for his/her spot in the finale of Dancing with the Stars. My belly has been hopping and bopping and moving all over the place, to the point where I have to just stop and laugh and stare in awe. No matter how isolated and alone I feel right now, I have to remind myself to be grateful that for the time being, I get to have little RockStar with me every minute of every day, and that is such a blessing.

Je t’aimerais toujours RockStar.

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23 comments

  1. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely, buddy! You should chat me up on Skype. I'm on basically 9-5 every day now. 🙂 Once baby gets here you will be like, "remember when I had all that "Me" time… that was really nice." But until then, I know it sucks being bored and lonely. Hopefully things get better and maybe RockStar will decide to make an early appearance and you can just have 3 more weeks left. 🙂

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  2. Hang in there! I think we all think these things "Oh shit where's the money gonna come from to take care of this baby??" I freak out daily about this. But I know in my heart that once this baby arrives, everything will work out…it always does 🙂

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  3. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I had a break down at 35 weeks at work. Here's a post sort of about it, but not really the nitty gritty. http://mcmissis.blogspot.com/2010/08/bittersweet.htmlI know your town is teeny tiny, but are there any pregnant exercise classes or meetup groups that you can join. Our local group from meetup.com for moms has an expecting moms meetup every once and a while for coffee. If you don't have one, maybe you could try to start one?Anyway, a lot of those feelings don't really go away. Worrying about money, feeling lonely, etc. They all still happen after the baby's here; you just don't really have that much time to dwell on it. Just the other day, I was talking to McMister in bed about money worries and he said, "It's going to be alright. We'll have enough. And if we don't, we'll figure that out too. It's weird… now that Gracie's here, it's like everything in the world is so silly. She's the most amazing thing there ever was and nothing can even come close to matching that in importance."We're all here for you whenever you need to vent and whenever you want to revel in absolute awe and happiness!

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  4. I think every mama-to-be gets all the feelings you have right now. It's perfectly normal and I KNOW you are going to rock it.

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  5. I stopped working while pregnant with E @ 36 weeks. I napped and rested and watched crap and read all the time. ENJOY any moment of it you can because life won't be that quiet or calm or predictable again 🙂 I have never once looked back at the time and regretted taking it off 🙂 It is terrifying too, the final weeks, but seriously, once you meet your miracle everything else seems so not important 🙂

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  6. Oh Josey, this post made me want to come to Colorado and give you lots of hugs and bunk up for a slumber party. I'm sorry you're so isolated but you're so right about spending every minute with your sweet little Rockstar. 🙂 And we're in that same financial boat where we just have to limp through these treatments and meds while we're trying to conceive our little miracle. We hardly ever think about how much more it will cost to actually raise a child. i hope everything works out for you guys. I'm thinking of you!

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  7. I'm sorry you are feeling alone, I know how that goes and it is no fun. I am having trouble with the same kind of thing being home alone with Emily all day and then on nights when Steve has class. Thank god for this community! Hang in there!

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  8. I was JUST thinking about writing a post about this. I have been freaking out about expenses pretty much the entire time. It is true that we spend so much money getting to this point that we have none left when it finally does work! My monthly infertility payment is more than my mortgage…and it won't be paid off for another 10+ years. Must be nice to just be able to get pregnant for free! I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lonely and isolated. It HAS to work out in the end…even if we have to be dirt poor and sacrifice everything for several years after they are born…it will be worth it. I hope that you start feeling better soon:)

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  9. When I was off work for 6 weeks I felt alone, too. As much as I don't like working, I need the social interaction every day. It makes me feel like I'm part of the human race. I think that things will fall into place for you guys money-wise. You will find a way. You found a way to get Rockstar and you'll find a way to provide for him/her. I know that much. Keep your head up.BIG HUG!

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  10. You are going to be a wonderful mama. I think you'll find your journey has given you a unique perspective. Even on the roughest days, I know that being a mama is all I ever wanted, and I have a healthy child of my own, and I feel so blessed. And the sleepless nights and the difficult moments don't seem so bad, because I have a DAUGHTER! And somehow, we're both surviving. You will too. Can't wait to meet your RockStar!

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  11. OK, seriously, you need to tell me where you live. I took all of next week off of work and am thinking about coming up for a visit.

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  12. I can SO relate to this right now.. Not so much about feeling lonely, but def about the money part.. I've been trying not to stress out thinking "what are we going to do?" But it's frustrating.. I cannot work right now.. I've exhausted all my disablity benefits.. And, I am stressing about every penny that leaves the bank account too.. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way 😦

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  13. I think it's normal to feel like that before the baby is here AND after the baby is here. It's a whole new reality, but you will adjust and everything will be fine. I worry about finding money for everything too, but you just do what you can. You are definitely not alone with these feelings.

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  14. I really, really appreciated the honesty of this post. I think too often after the harrowing process of infertility, we feel like we don't necessarily have the right to have the fears and concerns that are common to every new parent. You're very much in a stage of planning for the realities of having Rockstar with you, and at times that can feel overwhelming and, as you say, isolating. Though I've never been there, I remember my sisters describing something similar. Just wanted to say hang in there… you are a fantastic mom and will continue to be when Rockstar arrives and beyond.And PS… I think a due date around Christmas is very sweet. Some of my high school classmates had birthdays around Christmas and they absolutely loved it! 🙂

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  15. Are you feeling like nesting or have you done everything? Please post nursery pics! I would feel the same way as you. I was just on bedrest for 3 days and was totally depressed by the end.My birthday is in december and although i often get combo gifts or christmas socks for my birthday, it's a cozy andand magical. The tree is always up and it means it's time for fun. 🙂

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  16. I can understand why you are feeling this way. Not working or being around people is hard. Plus worrying about where the money is going to come from is no walk in the park. I hope that everything some how falls into place. Going for lunch is expensive but what about meeting for tea at a coffee shop? Thats usually a couple of bucks.

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  17. Love you, and wish I was closer. I think we need a phone date soon 🙂

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  18. So sorry you are feeling this way,hang in there! You are going to be an awesome mom! I have no idea what you are going through but I can imagine and I am sure those things are stressful to think about…Take Care and I hope you are feeling better soon! You are sooooo close to hugging that sweet baby!

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  19. Bleh. Hormones + shorter days + loneliness + too much time to think = crazy town. Been there, I don't recommend spending much time. Give me a ring if you need a break. xoxo

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  20. I can totally relate. I think we've all gotten to that lonely point at some time or another. Mine was after Jack was born, but it still happens to all of us. Oak reminded me that it doesn't last forever and she was totally right. Find things to occupy your time. Go walk around your neighborhood and take pictures. Go to a bustling area and sit on a bench and people watch. There are lots of free things you can do that will get you around people. Then just don't be shy. With a giant belly stop sign, they will for sure be wanting to ask you questions and stuff. And don't worry about the parenting worries. It will come naturally to you.

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  21. As someone who is in exactly the same point in my pregnancy as you….after spending more $$ than I really know…and trying to get organized and ready without spending any more…well…I'm right there with you.I'm still working so I still get that human contact, kind of. We're in the process of changing our charting systems and everyone is freaking out. So it hasn't been a very social outing when working.You're totally right in that it's a lonely place to be, but we know in the end, especially with this community, we are most definitely NOT alone!Hang in there…Rock Star will be here before you know it….

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  22. I'm sorry, that sucks. I was on bed rest from 30 weeks on and it was hard. The worst part is not having contact. My poor husband, when he would get home from work, I would cling to him like crazy.And you are so right about how IF makes you only think about GETTING pregnant!

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  23. I know how you feel. I worked up until they day I delivered, but my husband was on the road most of my pregnancy and I felt very alone. I, too, was panicked about the money which made shopping for baby things a little torturous. When you can't drink, you become sort of a bore to your friends and eventually they go back to doing their normal things (bars, parties, etc) and you sort of feel left alone and behind. I felt it a lot. I cried to my husband that I felt abandoned. Finally, I just sort of accepted it. I got in my jammies every day right after work, laid down on the couch with my cats, and ate sugar free pudding. I watched every pregnancy show on TV and every show about babies and immersed myself in the whole thing. I know it's way easier said than done, but try try try to enjoy this time. Get in touch with your body. Check out books from the library about babies and parenting. Use this time to really rest and focus on the change that is coming – for it is a big one. Work on being "zen" and peaceful and preparing your home for life with baby. Splurge on some new shelving or canvas bins and organize the clothing. I spent hours sorting baby gifts and onesies and getting my kitchen prepared to hold bottles and baby stuff.But do call friends when you need them. Find lunch deals, buy one get one free, or offer to fix sandwiches for a friend if she'll come over and fold onesies with you.

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