I Wanted This, Right?

As those of you who have been following me for awhile know, my job situation has been a bit unsteady over the past couple of years. I was an international business major in college, and then accidentally moved to small town America and had to kind of throw that career path out the window. In the past 7+ years, I’ve bartended on and off and done a lot of Administrative Assistant/Office Manager type work, as well as working as a Realtor. I quit my last steady job in October 2010 after 2+ years. It was really good pay, decent benefits (though not health), flexible schedule when I needed it… but the work environment had grown fairly toxic to me, and I needed out. With my husband’s support, I quit… and then he suddenly got laid off.

We went from being totally financially comfortable to spending the last 16 months suddenly struggling to pay the bills thanks to trading off being unemployed, underemployed, and working random side jobs. It’s been quite the ride (including my husband working 1,000+ miles away on the oil rigs last winter while I was going through the IUI process alone here in CO), though it is hard to complain because we are most definitely not alone in these struggles. Have I mentioned that I pray every day for our dang economy to pick back up?

At any rate, from June-October last year (12w-30w of my pregnancy), I was working a seasonal serving job and a seasonal bartending job, and it worked out to be basically full time employment. The money was great, the hours were good, and I really do love the human interaction. BUT, I also miss the business world, and I need to have a steady job with steady hours and a steady paycheck if my husband is going to start his own business this spring (a dream that has been in the works for years now, and it looks like now is the time for him to jump!).

I love that I’ve had the past 7 1/2 weeks to be at home non-stop with Stella, but we have always known I’d have to go back to work at some time. Partially because of where we live, and partially because of our own choices (mortgage, vehicles, and fun stuff), we are just not financially able to be a one income family at this point.

When Stella was about a month old, I started applying for jobs. Keep in mind, I live in a town of about 1,000 people, and a county of about 4,000 people. GOOD jobs are hard to come by, so I was also looking at options in the surrounding towns.

Work for local power company. front desk job + benefits – nope, someone else got the job.
Work from home for an overseas resort doing activities bookings – they decided to not refill the position, but will keep me in mind moving forward (we have connections with the owners).
Wait it out, bartend again in the summer in the town about 10 miles away – would love this because of flexibility and great money, but can’t afford to wait that long for income to start coming in.
Commute to nearby town (30 min) for administrative assistant position. 32h weeks + benefits – nope.
Work 4 blocks from home with 4 day, 40hr workweeks. – Holy shit y’all. I got the job.

They just called and offered me the job and want me to start “as soon as possible.” This scares the shit out of me. It’s not awesome pay, but it’s decent, and I’m pretty sure I have it figured out so that Stella could be with grandma 1 day/week, her aunt 1 day/week, and daycare (small, in home, only 3 other kids) 2 days/week. I’d still get three days a week at home with her, but SHIT you guys, in the past 53 days, I’ve only left her side a handful of times, and never for more than an hour while I ran errands around town. To trust other people to watch her for that long… to not be able to snuggle and feed her and BE there for her for that many hours in a day… how the hell do you do it?

I prayed that I’d get this job, and now I’m feeling so unsure of everything. Logically, financially, I know I should take it and at least give it a shot. But my heart is breaking already, and I’m not sure if I can do it. Who needs to pay bills anyway? …

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37 comments

  1. Congrats on the job! I know its going to be a hard decision but you have to do what you think is best. Whatever that may be. LOVE that pic of you two πŸ™‚

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  2. Oh this has to be sooooo hard!! Try to look at the positives- of all the job options, this one sounds the absolute best (it's close to home too)! People you know and trust will be watching her and taking great care of her! And you will have some good income! Good luck sweetie!!

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  3. Congrats on the job!!! Its gonna be tough but its all for a good reason. I know it doesn't mean it'll be easy, but I'm sure everyone will rally around to help you guys out and Stella will be well taken care of.

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  4. I love that picture, it is super cute. I know you will make the right decision and the one that is best for everyone.

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  5. Congratulations on the job offer! Good luck with making your final decision. It sounds like you're leaning towards taking the job. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice at all, but encouraging your husband to start his business with the security of your job behind him could do wonders for your marriage at a time when being husband and wife can end up taking a SERIOUS back seat to being daddy and mommy. I'm saying this as a SAHM though, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me about going back to work πŸ™‚

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  6. Out of all those options that job seems to be pretty nice, but I completely see your side. It's tough, I hope you are able to come to a decision you are happy with!!

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  7. I think its wonderful that you got this job! Like others have said think about all the positives that come with it. And I know everyone is different but since you mentioned already missing some adult interaction maybe it will me a smoother transition than you think. Good luck with everything. I'm excited to hear how it all works out. And that picture is awesome! So much love shared between mom and her little girl. πŸ™‚

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  8. It is so so so hard! I think you should try it and see how it goes. Everyone says once you're in a routine, it's manageable. I am going back with the mentality that it's a three month trial because I can't make a permanent decision without experiencing it to figure out how I feel. We can always discover that it doesn't work and try other options but once we make the decision to not do it, there's no changing it.

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  9. I love that pic of you two!Good luck with the decision!If you are looking for advice this is how I see it . . . Jobs are hard to come by and that one sounds great.Try it out for 2 months and if you can't do it then quit. That way you know for sure and you can at least say you tried.The first week is awful, and then it gets easier but there are still heartbreaking days.I tell myself that I am doing this so she can growup traveing and have money saved for college.Either way congrats on the offer!

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  10. I knew you'd get the job! Congratulations!!It will be tough the first week or so, but it gets easier and the positives will start to become more and more clear. Plus, maybe in a few years when C's business is doing well you can afford to be home with her or work with C and bring her along!Knowing you, you will thrive as a working mom. πŸ™‚ If you don't like it, nothing is permanent.

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  11. Go for it! Congratulations!! To find a job that close to home, with such a great schedule, and pay that is *enough* (at least for now) is great! And since it's 4 blocks from home, it's close enough that you could probably run out on your lunch break to see Stella if needed. What's the work environment like? Is it parent-friendly? A lot of businesses these days are being extra flexible when it comes to new parents, making sure they have time to do things like leave early if their kid is sick, take breaks to pump throughout the day, or even bring the baby to work if childcare can't be available one day (or once a week, etc etc).I don't know what the laws are in CO, but CA has all sorts of labor laws around new parents, and if it's a good employer, they'll probably be flexible. And I'd imagine that since it's a small town, they'd want to be a good employer, since news would travel fast πŸ™‚

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  12. Congratulations on getting the job! I am very jealous that the job is so close to home and 4 days/week. I hope if you decide to accept that you are able to turn it into the perfect situation for you & your family! What a beautiful picture = )

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  13. I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave her but at least the job is close to home and she gets to be with family a couple days and you still 3 days! I know that doesn't make it any easier. Congrats on the new job!

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  14. Congratulations! I'm so glad you were able to find a job so close to home and that you have good options for Stella. I can only imagine how hard it will be to be away from her on the days you're working. I'll be praying that things turn around soon and that C's business takes off!!!

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  15. Oh gosh. My heart aches thinking about returning to work in five weeks so I can only imagine what you're feeling and how sudden this has all come about. It sounds like she would be in good hands but could this place at least give you a week so that you could do a trial run with the sitters and get breastfeeding stuff worked out? I know that you can handle it! Ultimately, you have to do what is best for your family and jobs and benefits may make things a little less stressful and less stress is always good for mom, dad and baby! Thinking about you and this decision and wishing you all the best!

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  16. I can't even think about going back to work yet. My first day back is March 13th, and that's an 8 hour day. I'm SOOO not looking forward to it. When I go back for real it's 8 hour nights 1 or 2 nights a week.I think this is a fabulous opportunity, but ultimately you have to do what's right for your family. I didn't want to go back at all. My husband wanted me to go back full time (3 nights a week), but we compromised on 1-2 nights a week.At least you have family and friends to take care of Stella. That's a major positive.I can't give advice because I have no idea what I'm going to do for sure. I'm scheduled one day a week maybe 2, but I don't know how long I'll be able to do that. We'll have to wait and see. Hopefully this will be a fabulous opportunity for you and everything will work out fabulously for you.Wishing you luck on your decision….

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  17. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! followed by an OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm praying for you. I can only imagine how hard this will be for you! Love the picture by the way!

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  18. Here's the deal: Leaving her is going to be HANDS DOWN the worst thing and the best thing that you can do for her and you.Bad: You will not be together 24/7.Good: You will have ADULT interaction. She will have SOCIAL interaction. She will learn to not be completely dependent on you all the time. You will EARN $$$!Ugly: You're going to cry. She's going to cry. (But you'll both get over it!)Congratulations! Good for you! Go Momma!

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  19. I actually have to disagree with E a little – leaving her is going to be much harder on you than it is on her, especially when it's daycare.But it does get easier, for sure.I totally think it's worth giving this a shot, if you really hate it you can always quit – but you've been looking for a while, right, and this seems like the best thing that's come along. I also agree that having a stable income while C starts his business will be a huge weight off both your shoulders. It doesn't have to be forever if you don't want it to be.xox

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  20. Hooray Josey! I'm so proud of you! You definitely know what you need to do to make your family run smoothly and you can do this! Give the new job 2 weeks of total suck while you get used to not being with Stella all day, and the learning curve, and it will be your knew norm and totally do-able. Yes! You can do this!And congrats to Charlie for starting his own business in the spring. πŸ™‚ There are great things coming for you. Congrats!

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  21. Yay for a job!! I went back to work when sweet Blake was just 2 months old. It made it so much easier that I love my childcare provider. She sends me pictures of him while I'm at work and we've established the open relationship that I can text to check in on him and she keeps me posted on anything. It's hard, but it makes the time that you do have with them so much better. Since I knew I was going back to work though, I made myself give him to his grandparents for a few hours here and there so I could get used to being away and he would be with someone I trusted! You can do it! And yes, you prayed, and God answered! This is it! πŸ™‚ Hang in there!

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  22. I am fairly new to your blog since a little before the time that your precious Stella was born. I don't think that I have ever commented but I wanted to say CONGRATS on the job. You can do it :)www.mypinkscribbles.blogspot.com

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  23. I wish we lived in a place that helped families stay at home for the first year if they choose to. Congrats on the job though!

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  24. Go you!!! Congrats, I know this has been a long time coming. You can do this…it might take a few weeks to get into a routine, but getting out and doing a job you enjoy will make you a happier mom.Can't wait to hear all about it! xo

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  25. Congratulations on the new job!! Leaving Stella will be the hardest thing you will do. It is harder to return to work and leave them than it is to give birth to them. Just give yourself permission to cry. It eventually gets a little easier. I cried with both of mine and there are still times that my heart wrenches in the morning as I walk out the door and I'm blessed by the fact that my mom keeps my kids 5 days a week/10 hours a day. There are days my 3 year old doesn't want to come home. He tells me mommy I love you but I'm not ready to go home. *sniffle*

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  26. This post made my stomach hurt for you. This decision must be so difficult. I think you're just going to have to give it a try and see how it goes. I'm going to have to go back to work after 6 weeks and it makes me absolutely sick to even think about. I can only imagine how you're feeling now that it's game time. The good news is that you found a job. Good for you girlie!

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  27. Congrats on the new job! It will definitely be a difficult adjustment, esp those first few weeks, but I hear it gets easier. Hang in…and wear waterproof mascara :-)Good luck!

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  28. Wow, interviewing and applying for jobs while on "maternity leave", you're the rockstar now! That's crazy town.Glad you found something fit your schedule. Now, where will Miss Stella be while you're working?

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  29. Wow, congrats on being offered the job! And just remember, this decision doesn't have to mean you've committed to a path for the rest of your life, or even the rest of the year… if it doesn't work, you can revisit your options. Thinking of you and cheering for you, and loving the photo of you and Stella! πŸ™‚

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  30. For me, the first few days were tough, but we both got used to it. Now, it's the perfect arrangement. Working out of the home a few days a week, I appreciate my time with Fable more. And I think, it makes me a better mom. I also like that Fable gets time with her grandma and other kids when I take her to the sitter. Every situation is different, but you at least have to try it. Congratulations on the job! Only 4 blocks away is great too!

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  31. Congrats on the job! It's so super scary leaving that little tiny baby in the care of big scary people! (Even if the big scary people are wonderful, loving family members!)Just think of all the special time that she'll get with her Grandma and her Aunt and all the wonderful social time she'll get with daycare! And remember, it's a hell of a lot harder on you than it is her. :-)CONGRATS again!

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  32. Ugh 😦 I feel the SAME way you do.. I'm DREADING going back to work, and we're trying to figure out a way that I can stay home.. My stomach burns, and my heart hurts when I think about leaving him, and I KNOW you feel the same way about Stella.. I think you should maybe give it a shot, and if it's just plain awful, you can quit.. right?!?

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  33. that photo is adorable! Congratulations on the job – I know that it will work out – it'll be hard leaving her, but before you know it it will be fine and you have 2 days with her at relatives, and 3 with her yourself, so only 2 days at a daycare – and i;m sure they wont mind you popping by at lunch to check in on her πŸ™‚

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  34. I didn't read alll of the comments above, just a few with good advice from some mommies. But I was thinking… it'll still suck, but if they really wanted you, would they let you stagger your start a little? I'm not sure what kind of work it is, but if it's flexible maybe you could do just two days a week for a week or 2, then bump it up a little? It might make it a little easier to leave her at first, then as you get a little more used to the idea you could extend your hours to the full time. Just a thought! Like, I said, I don't know the specifics! GOOD LUCK! You can do it!! πŸ™‚

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  35. Hello again!!! I linked you on my recent post titled "Tag.. I'm it!" Check it out πŸ™‚ It would be really fun if you would play!

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  36. Look at that face! That gal LOVES her Mama! Awe, I'm glad you got the job though! From a Colorado Political Insiders perspective the job market here has SHOT THROUGH THE ROOF in the past two years. It isn't great BUT there are so many more jobs than there were.

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  37. […] my groove and happy about doing what felt rightΒ to us as parents. At the end of the month came I Wanted This, Right?Β – because I had gotten the job offer that I had hoped for but was struggling with the decision to […]

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