I wrote this to my Mom on my phone last night at about 3am while pretty pissed off. To be clear, with the light of day comes some clarity, and I’m not mad anymore – just sort of incredulous/frustrated. Below, I’ve tried to tone it down a bit and explain a bit more, but geez… why are men such babies?
(Sorry in advance for the rash of parenthesis! Haha.)
As background, I don’t believe in CIO, but my peds doc made a good point on Wednesday. Stella hates pacifiers, so in a way, my boob has become the pacifier. Often times now, Stella is waking up, fussing, “comfort nursing” for a couple of minutes, and then she goes right back to sleep, so the peds doc mentioned that it’d be easier for Charlie to rock her to sleep so that she doesn’t smell my milk and instinctively root for it. I mentioned this to Charlie before bed last night, and he snorted and said something like, “Yeah, right, like she really said that.” Um, yeah, she did.
Last night Stells ate a bunch at 7pm and 9pm and went down for the night at 9pm like usual. She then woke up at 12:30 and I nursed her again. At 3am, she woke up again (I think b/c the batteries died in her swing – another thing we’re trying to wean her off of bit by bit). She wasn’t crying – just talking/vocalizing to herself, so instead of immediately grabbing her and going to the next room to nurse her, I decided to try to wait it out and see if she would put herself back to sleep. Charlie grumbled and tossed and turned for about 90 seconds and then jumped out of bed to get her. Below is what happened…
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Oh my gosh, biggest baby ever (and I’m not talking about Stella). This is the FIRST NIGHT that I have asked Char to get up and try to rock Stells back to sleep because I didn’t think she was actually hungry, just waking up out of habit, and he’s whining about how we need to give her sleeping pills (for a baby? Are you kidding me?), she used to sleep “so much better” (no she didn’t, I just usually got up and out of the room with her before he ever woke up -plus, this is only the 2nd time tonight – that’s not bad!), pouting because he “just doesn’t think he can go back to sleep now” (he just went downstairs to watch tv), etc etc. So fucking annoyed. I’ve done this for 4 months, and he can’t handle one time, one night? He turned on all the lights to get her (which of course woke her up more), talked to her (woke her up more), unswaddled her to check her diaper (woke her up more – and at this point I don’t usually bother changing her diaper in the middle of the night if she hasn’t soaked thru)…and then crankily rocked her and wondered why she was wide awake and fussing. Ya, I just got up and told him to go watch tv and put her back to sleep myself. UGH.
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Men. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t live without ’em.
How did you teach your baby daddy how to handle the middle of the night wake-ups?
Do you just handle it yourself?
Again, why are men such babies? 😉
So I'm laughing this morning while reading this. I have been exactly where you are twice…you would have thought that I would have never wanted to have a second child after my first one because of all the lost sleep. We swore it would be different the second time around but the joke was on me. To answer your question, I ended up just handling the night wake-ups myself to avoid having an extra cranky child (my husband).
I have zero advice other than to say that yes, men are total babies. Maybe you should start keeping a little journal of all the times you get up so that you can show him each day. I would also start making the same kind of commotion he did when you do get up so that he is VERY aware of when you get up (but I'm immature like that). Ok, so maybe I did have some advice…how productive it would be is another story. 😉
I'm lucky in this dept. Steve gets up with Emily every night at least once if not twice. But I'm not bf-ing so that's different in your case. We have been trying the CIO method and it actually is working to teach Emily how to put herself back to sleep. We don't just let her cry and cry, we let her cry for 3-5 minutes, go in a shush her, comfort her then we leave. If she keeps crying we let her cry for a little longer (we actually set a timer so we know how long it's been and then we go back in. She usually will put herself back to sleep around 7-10 minutes. It's hard but from what I have read, sleeping is a skill they have to learn like everything else they do. Good luck mama!
oh man! I'm sorry, Charlie is being ridiculous, such a freaking baby! I usually do the night wake-ups, but when Cheeks was smaller and waking more frequently and would have hubs tend to him if it was the 3rd time or so and I needed sleep. But, I'm not working, and you are, so I think you two should be splitting nights. He should be thankful you've taken the first few months and the most difficultI give Cheeks 10 minutes at each wake up, depending on the cry. Hope you can talk Charlie into a more reasonable overnight parenting solution. GL!
I can't talk, as a hubby who is in the doghouse this morning because I put the baby on her side after feeding and didn't swaddle her correctly last night I just want to say that we try!!! I stay up with the baby until midnight so the wife can get some rest then I go to bed around 12:30 only to wake up a 5:30, sit in hour of traffic and work for the next 9 hours at a very stressful job…HS
I had to chuckle at this post b/c it brought me back to when Nora was a baby, and I woke to her screaming bloody murder like she had been crying for a while. Why couldn't I hear her right away? Because my husband was on duty and shut the monitor off, that's why. Men.
LOL. I put her on her side sometimes, so that doesn't bother me, but the swaddle is KEY. About 4 weeks in, I finally made Charlie do it every single nap/night so that he could really do it well. Practice makes perfect with swaddling!! FYI – I'm working 36 hrs/week as well, so it's not like I "catch up" on sleep during the day (not that I really did when I was a SAHM either).
Sounds about right. 🙂
I agree with Bridget, I'm lucky in this department. I also lucked out with a good sleeper (yes, shoot me now) but for the most part we only had to get up in the middle of the night when I was on maternity leave. JJ wasn't working so we took turns, every other night. My issue is that I would hear her start crying, b/c she was on my side of the bed, and by the time he'd get up and around I might as well have done it myself. But I can probably count on one hand the # of times I got up on "his" night. Now being on the flip side of that, he has bitched about how hard it was and that he had trouble falling back to sleep, but he did it. Since both of you are working now, C doesn't really have the excuse that "I have to get up and work in the morning" b/c you do too. Just a give and take thing. The greatest advantage for me is that JJ's dad wasn't hands on and he has said from day one that he won't be like his dad, so I think more than anything it's etched in his mind. Even still, I think us mom's are more in tune with things like that, especially at 3 am…
Ugg.. I know how you feel! Men are such babies, indeed! My big problem is my husband not realizing how much sleep I need when I can get it. He seems to forget it is me who will be getting up with Alidia whenever she wakes up. Last night we came in after several drinks with the boys, went into Alidia's room to 'watch her' while he went on his laptop, spoke to me from her room and used a light.. all things which would wake her up a bit..Grrr. Then when he came to bed, he woke me up again and was moaning that I wasn't paying attention to him at 1:00am after I was already asleep! MEN!!
LOL. Oh my gosh, this used to happen to us (but in the mornings – back prebaby when I got to sleep in until 7 and he was up at 5:30). He would hate that I didn't want to talk when I was SO TIRED (I was working a job where I got home between 12-2am). MEN!! 🙂
That sucks. I am really lucky and my hubs does get up with her.We actually have split shifts! He has her from 8-2 and I have her from 2 on. I think the shifts is good, because then there isn't this vagueness of who should get her. And one person getting pissed while the other is pretend sleeping through it!I really can't complain. But nursing didn't work for us, so he never got used to sleeping like your hubby did.
Oh my gosh this so sounds just like our house! Savannah has been going through a growth spurt and waking up 2-3 times a night. Sometimes she will go right back to sleep other times shes wanted to eat. I'd gotten up with her 2 nghts in a row because Roger somehow didn't hear her screaming through the monitor. Then the next night I wake him up and ask him to go get her. She says okay but then rolls over??? Do I wait a few minutes then just get up myself, pissed off. He finally gets up and comes in there but I got mad and said what's the point, I'm already up now. And he argues with me that he hears her and is awake every night also. First off all, no you don't that was apparent when I had to wake you just now. And second, laying awake in bed vs. getting up and moving around is not near as bad. I don't mind getting up with her but everyonce in awhile I need sleep to and when he does get up he ends up turning lights on and the TV also or will come in to show me something. Really!!!
My husband and I discussed our expectations of the night waking prior to baby being born. I was unable to nurse due to no milk so we are different in we did formula. We moved him to his crib at a week old. I got up during the week when home on maternity leave, but he did the weekend night feeds. He was sleeping through the night by the time I went back to work. But, we would still have the occasional rough night with feedings and illness. G is 18 months old and we rotate nights still. For example, he got up last night with him teething, but the next night G wakes up it will be my turn. So we rotate by wake ups not actual days. We both work full time and we are both his parent. We split everything 50/50.
Wow – I can't tell you how upset I would be in your situation. I'm so sorry.I think every guy is different. And in certain situations, I'm sure C shines, and it's apparent that he doesn't take the cake in middle of the night situations. Andy does ALL middle of the night adjustments. Taylor hasn't fed MOTN since about 4 months. Now, at most, she needs a pacifier adjustment once or twice and she falls back asleep. Andy is on paci duty. I love him for that.On the flip, he's maybe bathed Taylor 3 times ever. I always am the bather. So, I guess you just have certain battles.
My husband's a big baby too, but he was trainable. I think the key is to point out to him the obvious: you both work outside the home. It might have made sense for you to be the only one to get up when you were getting up to nurse, but now the doctor ("the doctor says" always works on my husband) says that he should be doing it. You can impart the wisdom you've learned–no lights, no changing, no talking, but he has to figure that out for himself. Turning on the TV and pouting will get old for him really fast. Maybe you can start him on one waking a night or maybe it's best to dump in in full time; either way, you have to make clear to him (probably during the clear light of day) that it's time for him to pull his weight, particularly since the doctor says this is the best way for you all to get a full night's sleep.
Charlie sounds like many men I know, but unfortunately my hubby always got up with me for the most part during night feedings, even when I was breastfeeding. I can't really give too much advice, DH usually got up with Aiden when we switched to formula and did the night feeds for me. Now Aiden is a 12 hour sleeper, so neither of us get up. I think that Bridget is right, kids learning to put themselves to sleep is an important skill they must learn. (Her and I are going through this together after both trying several different no-cry methods) I also hate the whole idea of CIO, but unfortunately, I bought about 6 different sleep books on "gentle" ways to get babies to sleep and they didn't work for Aiden or me. The constant getting up to rock/feed/put in paci was getting frustrating, so one night we decided to see if he would put himself back to sleep instead of going in his room right away. He fussed/talked to himself for about 7 minutes and then went back to sleep. We let him do that a few nights, and he caught on quick. We always go in his room if his fussing turned into crying or hunger sounds. But as long as you are sure Stella goes to bed full, then maybe try to see if she will talk to herself to sleep? That maybe hard with her in the swing, but whatever you guys can do to get more sleep for now, I'd say do it! 🙂 This sleeping stuff is hard, hang in there Stella will catch on and be sleeping through the night soon!
You're scaring me. 🙂 I pictured this all going very smoothly when I have a baby. Sounds like something my husband would do, until I realize if you want something done right… do it yourself. Ugh. I think they do this on purpose!
I think you can't let him off the hook like you did. If you do it now, it will only get worse. He's got to learn how to take care of her too. you could suggest not turning on the lights, not talking, not changing her – but then just leave him to his devices. he'll figure it out!!
My husband was a much better swaddler than I was!! He was so strong and really got B wrapped up tight!! 🙂
Sorry about the hubby, that would annoy me too!I only have a second as R is just waking up but wanted to tell you (which you probably already know) it's completely normal for BF babies to be waking multiple times during the night to eat. While I do believe she probably can smell your milk. R does the same thing, but it doesn't bother me. The LC assures me it's completely normal, most babies are not equipped to sleep though the night. Kellymom.com has some really good articles you should check out on sleep training.
I have to say, I'm amazed that four months in is the first time he's gotten up with her. I think you have to train husbands just like the babies. Mac's been sleeping well for months now but back when we had wake ups we set the expectation before bed who would be doing the wake up with him. Granted, E let him cry longer than I would have but nearly every time Mac went back to sleep before E would go in there. So I learned a little something. But I would say it's past due for Charlie to have some night time responsibility – just set the expectation before bed so its clear and you don't have to do the middle of the night back and forth.
oh yes I swaddle way better LOL but she does get out eventually I think wife was just frustrated it can be hard at times.HS
I can't say what my husband would do. I'm not here at night when he's on duty. So far as far as I can tell, Raegan is sleeping through the night for him. He has gotten up in the past when she was still eating in the middle of the night, but she goes down at 8:30 and doesn't get up until between 5-7AM. She gets up earlier during the week when my husband gets up for work. I think she hears the movement because my husband isn't super quiet in the AM. I've learned to sleep through it, but Raegan hasn't quite gotten to that point yet. Most of the time she fusses and I rock her cradle a little then she goes back to sleep. I talked to my husband about putting her in her own room, but he didn't want to do that yet. I find this hilarious because he didn't think we needed a cradle in our room at all in the beginning. I hope things get better.
Yeah, I guess the 2 times I've gone out, he's gotten up to give her the 1st bottle around 1am (which is around the time I was rolling in from the bar both times). Other than that, I've breastfed her every time I've gotten up, so it never made sense for him to get up. Now that she's getting bigger though, I don't think she actually needs the boob every time, so it's time for him to pitch in a little more!
Thanks. 🙂 Yeah, it really doesn't bother me to feed her at night, so I guess that's why it hasn't been an issue until now. Last night it was just frustrating that I really don't think she was hungry again, and I just wanted C to handle it for once! Time to have a talk during the light of day I guess.
Sounds exactly like McMister. He didn't start getting up with Gracie EVER until I night weaned her. So, no advice from me! Just empathy 🙂
Oh great. I can just see this one coming. Cloudy already cries when he has to do jobs I do for us all the time. Like make dinner or send in a bill. Hang in there hopefully Charlie will grow some appreciation for everything you've been doing. Like manymanymoons I would probably do something immature to make sure my point was made, hehe.
PC does diapers & laundry like a champ, but my visions of 50/50 are just that… visions. I remember being so mad one evening when I needed help and looked for PC and found him taking a bath. A bath is a luxury with a newborn and the point is I really wouldn't have been so upset if he had just asked me if I cared or if I needed anything… especially since I was trying so hard to find a way to get a quick shower at that time! Another point- I asked him to watch H for 1 hour while I took care of some household chores and he brought him to me during that time and said he needed to go to the bathroom. Um, I have to go to the bathroom during the day too, sweetie… find a way. After a few "discussions" I have to say he really got better… sometimes I pump in the middle of the night and he will do the sweetest thing- rub my back. I've told him how much something like that means to me, that he is at least acknowledging that this is hard work. Hope the "discussions" goes well for you!
Ohmygosh… so know the feeling. My son is 9 weeks old and in the beginning the hubs was an allstar at getting up and helping in the middle of the night. Then at some point, around like week 3, I just took it all on myself and didn't mind a bit so he must have just gotten used to not being needed at all. However, there were a few nights that I was soooooo in need of a helping hand so I could just sleep for a couple hours staight and I asked him to get up with him and his response was classic: after huffing and puffing and making it super obvious that he was annoyed he said " next time maybe a little heads up would be nice, like a 20 minute warning" OMG. Are you freaking kidding me. A "heads up" Ya you don't quite get those with a newborn. Here's a heads up, he will be getting up to eat about every 3 hours for the next few months… is that a good enough "heads up". Hahaha. Men. They are so good at cetain things but they can definitly be babies for sure. So, I guess no advice for you,just letting you know you are so not alone!
MEN! when i was on leave, I did all the middle of the night stuff. That carried over when I started working… hubby "doesnt hear the baby cry" so he wouldnt get up. I was going to bed at 7 every night to try to get three hours of solid sleep before being up most of the night. It was hell! We eventually started taking turns. Hubby would sleep on the floor in H's room so he would hear the cries. Now this only happened like once a week and he was pouty as hell the first few times and said ridiculous things like Charlie did. And he made me feel like it was my fault H wasnt sleeping through the night. Hang in there and definitely let him know that he's still a parent in the middle of the night. LOL
Sounds about right! It's a man (not all but alot). I have conversations like that with my Mom all the time! I am a SAH mom so I take care of the kids all day long and would like a bit more help in the evening/weekends. I get the "they like you better" comments form him. Ummm yes, because I stay calm when they are upset and don't get mad if the baby isn't sleeping. I tell him babies are like animals and can tell if the parent is stressed and that upsets the baby more.
Another thing I wanted to throw in that I learned at my local LLL meetings, is that about 4-6 months the constant night waking for comfort nursing is usually from teething. As for the hubby, I totally understand. I would have been mad too. We wake up multiple times a night for months, they have to give a little. I like you, rarely need the help since it's nursing related, but every once in awhile it's nice to get that extra hand late at night.
I feel like I wrote half this post, lol! My DH does the same thing when watching R and he needs something like to go to the bathroom. I am like that doesn't mean bring him to me! Put him in the swing or something like I do during the day!
Oh my god, men are all the same aren't they! DH canNOT do anything with the baby without turning on every single bloody light in the room!
I have been a total lurker on your blog 🙂 This post made me laugh my ass off. Different situation but from day 1 (because we're formula feeding) the hubby has been feeding her. No if's no and's no but I'mmmm tired bs excuses lol. It also helped that really early on I got the flu and exclaimed that our daughter was going to get sick if I was feeding her all the time so I hightailed it to the guest room for two nights. That taught him pretty damn quick how to sooth, rock, and get her back to sleep sans mommy :)It's gotta be a sit down – this is the way it's gonna be from now on conversation. Boys are dumb sometimes…you gotta spell it out like they are babies hehe