Yup, It’s Still Hard

Most days I am so grateful to be part of the ALI community, but some days I HATE that it will always be a part of me. There is such an ugly jealous side of me that comes out from being an IFer.

I just got a text from a close girlfriend of mine. She has a 3yo (had 1 m/c while TTC#1 and then her BFP) and they have been vacillating for the past two years on if they were going to try for #2. She is 37, so age was becoming a factor. Apparently they decided to start TTC this coming summer, but in the meantime, oops. Surprise BFP.

They were going to call and tell us this week, but she just texted and said that they found out at 7w that she was having a m/c (yolk sac measured 4w with no fetal pole). When she wrote me that, I started crying for her…and when she followed it up with the text “Im ok was total shock 2 b preggo-we werent tryn. I know u dont want 2 hear that”…it’s like I just went numb.

This is someone who is struggling and just had her 2nd m/c…who wants to be a Mom again eventually…who has taken the time to be SO supportive to me through our TTC troubles…and I still have a hard fucking time dealing with her “oops” pregnancy.

Oddly enough, when that happened to one of my IF blog friends who I’ve met IRL (*cough*BU*cough), I was ecstatic for her. Why is it different? Is it because I’ve read so in depth about her pain and TTC struggles and not my IRL friend’s pain? I don’t get it. I just don’t want to be a jealous bitch.

15 comments

  1. OMG! I had 2 IRL friends announce they were pregnant yesterday at a BBQ. I'm happy for them, but also a little sad for me. I wish TTC was easy!

  2. I've had this happen too and I think the difference is the gratitude that IF'ers feel being pregnant. Even though I was shocked to be pregnant again (and ok deeply terrified) I still felt wonder and amazement and deep gratitude for the gift. Some non-IF'ers will just never understand that. Nor will they understand the pain of IF. Which frankly is something that would be hard not to be jealous of. It's ok you felt that way. You've been through a lot. 🙂

  3. i completely understand. i don't think i'll ever get past the jealousy thing when it comes to surprise BFPs for those not in the IF blogosphere. i think it's a very normal reaction for us, though. as long as it doesn't make you bitter, it's a perfectly fine emotion. pain makes us stronger, right?

  4. The pain of the repeated BFN leaves a deep scar and it is one that just gets irritated when the news of an "easy" BFP comes along. I don't know that the pain will ever go away – and it is one that only those who have dealt with IF can understand. Unfortunately IF just leaves a bitter taste behind that rears its ugliness when we least expect it to.

  5. Ugh. It is so hard to say why this shit comes up and when. Recently, a friend told me she was pg after starting to try the previous month. And I was SO thrilled. Two days later I sat with her in the ER while she had a m/c. Devastating. I was all effed up over it was weeks and it wasn't mine to lose. Meanwhile, I am having trouble reconciling some really negative feelings toward my SIL to offer support on her first IVF happening soon due to how she treated me when I was in the dark place. I feel gross, and jealous and selfish – memory can be a terrible thing. I think it all depends on when it hits you, and how raw the IF wound is that day (even if you couldn't feel it until it happened). Like sticking a finger you burned a few days ago in hot water, you know? The important thing is being honest about our feelings, while still treating people with all the empathy and support we can muster. Which you did…you cried for her. And you meant that. And that's what matters. xo

  6. I have 2 healthy boys, the 2nd of which was somewhat of a surprise. But it's still a stab in the gut when I find out someone is pregnant by accident or that they got pregnant the first month they tried.

  7. That's a hard one anytime. I just have to remind myself that other people's success has nothing to do with my failure, rewind and repeat over and over.

  8. You are not a jealous bitch! That's all I have to say! Oh – and that – I TOTALLY GET IT! I was jealous of my own sister who is my best friend in the ENTIRE world!

  9. It's always going to be so hard. I was internet researching "bleeding" during pregnancy and I came across a post of someone who said "I just wish it would miscarry, so I could try again, I get pregnant very easily" because she didn't want to deal with the inconvenience of bleeding. It was a dagger to the heart, as I was trying so hard to make my bleeding stop and make this one that made it the furthest WORK OUT! Ugh! By the way, you are a posting fiend, and I can barely keep up with you these days. :)I like it!Roses from the LQ…hilariously awesome! It's such a funny thing that you live in such a small town they call you out by name and everyone will know you frequent the liquor store. At least it looks like a classy place!! Wine tastings! 😉

  10. WHOA. That comment… I just wish I would miscarry… WTF? People are crazy. Ya, I was just thinking I posted more in the past week than I usually do in 2-3!! Just lots on my mind lately.I wish they'd have just given me store credit, but what can ya do? 🙂

  11. That's an awesome point about it depending on how raw the IF would is that day. Thanks for the support…

  12. Thanks hon. <3

  13. Totally get this. I'm jealous all the time when I hear of new pregnancies! I hate it. But I think it's just remnants of IF that we'll always carry with us.

  14. It's so hard not to be jealous, and then to feel guilty. Even now with my little one I feel jealous when I hear about oops pregnancies, or even 1st month trying pregnancies. I wonder if that will ever go away?

  15. Thanks for writing this, I just wrote a post about feeling like a bitch for being jealous too. It just never goes away, does it? Though I feel like it sneaks up on me more now since I don't expect it anymore and it only hurts sometimes. 🙁

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