Hesitation

I’m not quite sure where to start with this post, but it’s been brewing around in my head for awhile. It started last Friday night when I was having a beer via google hangout with my follow PAIL blogger contributors (I love technology!). Traathy asked me what was up with #2 since I haven’t talked about it for awhile on my blog, and I answered her honestly that I’m terrified of getting back into the mindfuck that is TTC for me, so I’ve just been completely blocking it out. You can’t get your hopes dashed if you don’t get them up in the first place, right?

Ha.

Then last night I was nursing Stella before bedtime, rocking for the millionth time in the glider in her nursery (hands down the best purchase EVER – glide+recline=key), and it occurred to me that part of the reason I’m afraid to wean her is what if I can’t ever do this again?

I mean, if I can’t get pregnant again, I’ll never get to nurse another baby, and that makes me so, SO sad.

Also, our health insurance premiums jumped again this month (by $150/mo I think?), so we moved our plan up to the $5k deductible ($10k family), which essentially means that a hospital birth would now cost us roughly $7k out of pocket. As reference, all of my bills from Stella’s birth amounted to $8k. What a savings, eh? 😛 Fucking insurance. I tell myself that it’s okay, if we’re blessed with another pregnancy that it will be another piece of leverage for me with my husband to lobby for a midwife assisted home birth (which runs about $4k in our area). Still, that’s insane, and I didn’t even hesitate to make the decision to increase our deductible because it’s hard for me to believe it matters.

I routinely vacillate between some inner belief that it will happen…that we’ll get pregnant with #2 naturally like so many of my IFer friends… and complete and utter despair filled with thoughts like ya right, one and done. We have to be happy with that.

It’s one thing if you only want one child. But I don’t. I want two. I want Stella to have a sibling. I want “my kids.” Lately Charlie and I have been trying to talk ourselves into being happy with just one, but invariably one of us will admit in the middle of the night that no… we really want a second child.

We used to talk about adoption, but now that I know how much that costs and all of the emotional heartache involved with it, I just don’t know if we’ll ever be able to (financially or emotionally!) afford to go that route. Same goes for IF treatments. We lucked out with a BFP that led to Stella after our first injectibles+IUI cycle, and it still cost us $10k once it was all said and done (intial workup/testing + shit ton of meds b/c I’m a slow responder which caused a lot of monitoring appts at $500 per day + travel costs = $10k). We also don’t want more than two, and because of that, it seems silly to risk fertility treatments again. With the protocol we were on, we had a 1 in 4 chance of multiples on our cycle with Stella. Granted I still only had 1 mature rockstar egg (go Stella!), but the increased chance exists, and my husband is petrified of twins now that we already have Stella.

I just hate that we can’t choose to have a second baby and within a couple of months, BOOM, be pregnant. I’m beyond thankful that we have Stella in our lives, but it still doesn’t seem fair that this has to be such a struggle for us… for so many of us. I’m afraid to even TRY for #2 – I’m afraid to wean Stella and find out my cycles are still a mess – I’m afraid of being jealous again of my friends who easily get pregnant – I’m afraid of feeling like a failure again.

I hesitate to even hope for another miracle, because the let down seems like too much to handle.

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37 comments

  1. I so much understand your feelings. We did 5 IUIs and got our BFP with IVF #1. We have 9 embryos cryopreserved. I started the process 6 weeks ago for a FET. We talked a long time to the RE about only transferring 1 embryo. We didn’t feel like twins was right for our family. But, part of me is scared we won’t get pregnant with just 1 embryo since with my son we transferred 2 and only got him. We did a day 3 transfer last time and this time are going to let them grow to day 5. I am trying to stay calm and remember whatever happens we have our beautiful little boy. But, it still makes me so sad that we can’t get pregnant on our own. Instead we are spending $5k and praying for another miracle. I hate IF and what it has done to me!

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  2. Oh Josey, I am feeling you. Sooo much of my fear in weaning Lids is that what if that is it? Then there would be no turning back and we’d be done.. never to nurse another baby again. That scares the shit out of me. I am also scared of finding out what the heck is going to happen with my cycles. Just the fact that we are down to 2 nursings a day and still nothing scares me (I know this is the same for you) after hearing so many others getting AF back while nursing full time or at least a few times a day. What if AF doesn’t even come back?! These are all things that scare the shit out of me and I know are starting to worry Anthony as well. Stupid IF. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that when we want to try for #2, we can’t just make it happen. I am sorry the decision is affected by finances as well. I really really hope you get your #2 easily and without any pain or suffering. You deserve it. Anthony and I both really want #2 (and no more) so I can relate to so much of what you are saying right now.

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  3. I remember sitting in the rocker, weaning Matthew, wondering if that was it for me. It still makes me sad to think about it. Weaning is hard, especially when you’re not sure you’ll get to do it again.

    The surprise pregnancies last spring in the IF community were a MAJOR mind fuck for me. I thought, “if it worked for them, it can work for me.” I was 2 weeks late, with nothing but BFN’s, and STILL thought that maybe, just MAYBE we’d gotten lucky like “everyone else.” That whole thing was very hard on me, but I didn’t write about it much (just one post, I think) because I didn’t want to bring others down. But it’s so hard when you see it happen for others, and wonder if it could happen for you too. And the thing is – it COULD happen for you too. You just don’t know. But it hurts so much to put hope there, and then it not work out.

    IF is a bitch.

    I understand not wanting to risk twins. My God, I have my neighbor’s boy here right now who is a GOOD boy, but I don’t know how she does it 24/7 with 2 two year olds – and a newborn. It’s hard for me to keep track of just the two boys. BUT – twins would not be ideal, but it would be OK. We make our situations work, you know!

    I’m sorry I can’t be more positive in this comment. This post just brings back so much sadness for me. I don’t usually say this, but I do know how you feel here. Boy do I!

    HUGS!

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  4. I understand where you’re coming from … in a way, it seems easier not to try at all than to try and, perhaps, suffer – physcially, emotionally, financially (as much as I hope that you don’t!). But those fears are ones that I know you can master should you start making steps towards #2 … and you’ll get through it, hopefully with as little pain as possible. Fingers crossed for your next little miracle.

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  5. I feel for you. It really does suck. I weaned completely six weeks ago and have only had a few days of light spotting. I’m telling myself I’ll give it six months before I really get concerned. Everything about it sucks.

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  6. I am already so depressed about not being able to nurse another baby. I love it so, so much and it breaks my heart how fast Ever grows because I can’t help thinking this may be my one and only. I too want two kids, but I don’t know if I’ll luck out again like I did. I won’t be doing the IUI and Ivf route anymore. I can’t get on that train again, and it was unsuccessful for me and now all the infertility insurance is gone.

    The other day Ever was napping and I cracked a book open in front of the fire and poured myself a glass of wine, and thought I could get used to this. One special girl who gets all my attention and still have time for rest and relaxation. Except… Except.. There’s nothing like siblings. And I want a well rounded family. Enough people to play a board game, enough people to pair off.

    I’m right there with ya. I just don’t have to decide right now. Right now I’m teetering on taking the mini pill or not. I’m thinking yes so ican continue to breastfeed without interupption. And just cross that path when I get there.

    I’m so interested to follow you through your journey for 2nd though if that’s what you decide. 🙂

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  7. I’m so sorry you are having these feelings, Josey. Thanks to the blogging world, I’ve become so close to many member of the PAIL community. In fact, most of my favorite blogs are PAIL members, so I feel crushed when I read about your feelings and what you have to go through. Obviously, my hub and I are lucky and we did not have a hard time conceiving. But I’ll tell you were I’m insanely jealous, and that is the breastfeeding relationship you have with Stella. I never had that with Taylor. Sure, we breastfed for five months and then I EP’s for three more, but even those first first months were challenging. I long to have the relationship you have (and Fiona/Lids) and pray I can get it this time (with #2). Hang in there. If Stella is an only child, DAMN you have a beautiful only child and if a sibling is in the future, she’ll rock the hell out of being a big sis!

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  8. I feel you, I loved the period-free breastfeeding time and the denial / time not thinking about TTC through it. (I got my period back at 7 months pp! not cool!). I really enjoying breastfeeding, but after the way everything worked out for us, I ended up weaning L at 13 months, having been TTC with regular cycles while BF for 6 months, then I gave it a few months TTC w/o BFing, and then went back for treatments, which eventually, finally, worked.

    It’s definitely scary to jump back in. It wasn’t easy for me, I wish it was. It could be for you, it has been for many of our friends. My RE even said to me yesterday she wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up pregnant without help next time. Which made me laugh after doing IVF and getting so few eggs, but anything is possible. Which is awesome and at the same time makes it such an incredible mindf*ck!

    I have 900 IUs of follistim, a shit ton of Endometrin, and 10 vials of Menopur leftover I would be happy to send you if that helps at all 🙂 Hoping that #2 comes easy for you all!

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    1. Thanks, A! We used a shitton of Menopur and Endometrin last time all out of pocket, so if we end up going that route, I’d definitely take you up on it! Spendy shit. Thank God you have health insurance that covers it!

      Is it f*ed up that I WISH I’d have gotten my period back while BFing? I’m just afraid I’ll never get it back I guess. 😛

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  9. I know what you mean. When I had the m/c after Sofia, I was like, ‘See! I can’t have any more kids, so give up the dream!’

    Yet, I’m about to take an ovulation test because Drew gets back in town tonight and my phone says I’m in my fertile window….

    Except our relationship really isn’t in the place for us to be trying to add more stress to it with a pregnancy, because I SUCK at being pregnant and I don’t know if we’d make it through another pregnancy.

    And I’m scared of more miscarriages.

    And I’m scared of taking care of more than one kid, because sometimes I get so overwhelmed with just one.

    And, and, and. YET. There I am, wanting another baby, a sibling for my daughter so she’s not alone once we’re gone.

    Yeah. TTC is totally a mindfuck.

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  10. Wow, do I hear you. My daughter weaned herself at 17 months and I cried for days because I know that I can’t ever be pregnant again. Let yourself grieve and it gets easier. Although I feel like I will always be sad that I can’t nurse another baby, perspective and time have helped. I do still get jealous of all of my pregnant friends, though, so if you figure out how to deal with that, please share. 🙂

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  11. hakiva · · Reply

    I can understand some of the emotions you are struggling with, especially about weaning Stella. I still miss breastfeeding our kid, almost a year later. I can’t physically carry another child, and while I’d like to think I’ve already grieved that loss, reading your post really brought a lot of those complex emotions about growing family to the surface- as it seems to for so many. However, as an outside observer, it seems that you are well on your way to being in a really healthy place to approach this struggle. You are preparing yourself for what this journey will cost- financially, emotionally and physically. You have helped create and have surrounded yourself with an amazing support network. You and your husband seem to have a fantastic, close relationship that will allow you to travel this road as a team. And your willingness to talk/write through your emotions, looking for advice, support and understanding will serve you so well. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you will rock this, whatever you decide to do!

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  12. It sucks so bad that you have to deal with all this. I wish you didn’t.

    If it helps at all, know that when breastfeeding is over, your mother-daughter bond will be just as strong and will continue to grow every day. Your snuggles will feel just as snuggly. There will still be times when she needs you to hold her and rock her in the middle of the night. She will still look to you first when she needs comfort. She will always need you, and you will always need her. Whether or not she’s getting food directly from your body, you nourish her with your heart. Your love for each other will not waiver.

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  13. mandski · · Reply

    Oh, Josey, I’m so sorry you have to go through these feelings. I’m in the first month of active TTC after the miscarriage, and I’m still not sure I can emotionally fully commit to it. Fortunately, I seem to be ovulating while still breastfeeding, but if a few months of unassisted TTC doesn’t work, I’ll probably be looking at weaning too, and that’s just so hard. It feels like such a gamble. To be honest, I felt that way when I was pregnant–I didn’t want to make any changes that would affect Mira based on a baby that might or might not be, and in the end I was glad I didn’t. :/

    I’m so sorry that you’re facing all these out of pocket costs for TTC and even birth. I’m kind of appalled, actually. That’s a horrible situation to be in. I really, really hope that you also have a surprise natural pregnancy!

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  14. This made me cry. I hate that this has to be a consideration; that we have to literally pray for a miracle in order to get pregnant “on our own” and without having to come up with several thousand dollars at a minimum. There are so many “what ifs” – and it just isn’t fair.
    I can’t believe your insurance situation – it sucks. It is appalling that it costs so much (I haven’t looked into what a hospital birth will be for us…guess I should.)
    Weaning is hard enough without the added pressure of wondering if that will be it.
    You are in my prayers!

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  15. Yea,that must be so hard. I am so grateful our family is right at just Avery.

    I just can’t imagine going through IF stuff again. It’s crazy, hard, emotional, painful, depressing, and EXPENSIVE. I hope that you just magically get your BFP like so many people get to experience.

    Maybe just continue to nurse Stella as long as you want to, so that there isn’t an added pressure on getting pregnant. If you were to stop nursing to try to get pregnant I think there would be added pressure, sadness, and guilt. Probably nothing you need to face if you don’t get pregnant quickly.

    I hope this all has a happy ending, you never know!

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  16. Oh girl…

    The whole getting knocked up game (cause let’s face it sometimes it is win or lose) is a total mindfuckup. I’m going to get all sappy on you now…you are warned!!

    Cherish every minute you are in that glider with Stella. Every single one. The ones where she is squirming like mad trying to get down, the ones where she’s nursing and staring up at you with her baby blues, the ones where she is doing fucking gymnastics all psyho like for no apparent reason, and the ones where she is snuggled up reading a book with you.

    I know I’ve probably got no *right* to say this given that breast feeding wasn’t an option for us..but how about thinking of the times you are in that glider with her as just that. The time you are with her…as opposed to the times you are nursing her. I know it’s bonding on a different level but if you can wrap your mind around all those other moments you are in that chair with her as just as significant, maybe the idea of the possibility of not nursing again (god forbid becasue I know you want #2) will be less emotional? She’s always going to be your baby in that chair and those little moments are just going to grow and change as she get’s older 🙂

    I don’t know if I’m articulating what I want to say properly…when you two are ready to start trying don’t make it about a loss of time with Stella…make it the right time for you two. The time with Stella is always going to be intimate and strong with you guys 🙂

    Crap that’s a lot of smiley faces.

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  17. It can be such a mindfuck sometimes (ok all the time) but an even bigger mindfuck is in ten years regretting you didn’t even try. When you and Charlie and ready (which might be tomorrow or in six/nine months) I say go for it! Don’t look back with regret. Good luck with you decision, I hope if TTC #2 is something your really want it comes easy for you! P.S. the money you pay on insurance sounds crazy and then to be left out of pocket so much at the end as well, that sucks 😦

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  18. Elizabeth · · Reply

    Oh man. This is just so unfair. I hate reading about your heartache. I am just so sorry Josey.

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  19. Could have written this myself! You are not alone in those thoughts friend!!!

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  20. mcmissis · · Reply

    After reading everyone’s comments, I wanted to let you know you’re not alone in the terrible insurance department. We paid more than $12,000 last year for health insurance and still had to pay about $6,000 for Lyla’s birth. When we both had jobs (and therefore a lot more money), and I had Gracie, it only cost $200 to have her. Now, I don’t have a job, we have way less money, and it costs $6,000?!?!? And we had no money, it wouldn’t cost anything. How does that make sense?

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    1. Thanks, I was kinda feeling alone on the crappy insurance thing! We pay about $4550/yr for our insurance with the shitty high deductible. Gotta love no group insurance plans around here. 😛

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  21. I can REALLY identify with this post. I still hate that I weaned Harriet. I am terrified that these treatments we’re doing won’t work. If that’s the case, I will be livid. We gave up so much for a child that may not ever come. Also, the cost of adoption is such a barrier for us as well. If we could be doing anything right now, we’d be adopting – domestic, international, embryo – it wouldn’t matter. But we can’t afford it. So we simply chose the cheapest route – clomid. And the idea of multiples freaks me out too. I have a nephew and nieces who are triplets and were born at 24 weeks. They’ve had lots of health issues ever since. My sister-in-law said that 8/10 of the moms in her triplet group conceived through IUI. Scary!! Anyways, I only had one measly follicle this last time around, so at least the triplet thing isn’t worrying me too much anymore. I am praying you’ll have wisdom and peace in these decisions. They aren’t easy ones.

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  22. Feel the exact same way over here! However, I know if we want #2 it’ll have to be IF treatments so our decision is pretty much mad for us. I hope that you make this decision easily and are at peace with whatever it may be.

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  23. Josey,
    I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I can’t imagine the roller coaster between wanting to be content with what you have and the desire to make your family grow more. It’s gotta be a tough place. Hang in there and I know you and C will make the best decision for you guys. Remember that anxiety and worry is not an indicator of how things will really go. Wish I had better advice. Xo

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  24. That’s how I felt after I had Caroline. It took us 3 years, 2 miscarriages and God knows how much heart ache to have her so I wanted to be done after her. I didn’t think I could put myself through any of it again. Then my husband said if we didn’t try again, he would regret it in ten years. I had to admit that I agreed with him. I think being in the middle of the shit or just out of the mind fuck that is TTC it’s easy to remain afraid. I guess you have to decide whether another baby is worth that risk and fear and all that again. I believe you’ll come around to wanting to try. It’s getting there. Also, for the record, I’m still in shock we’re expecting #3 and that going back to the RE got me pregnant again. I know it’s insane to be this far along and still in shock, but I am. I really was sort of numb trying again and I can’t believe it was so ‘easy’ (‘easy’=going to my RE, all the meds, the u/s, the anxiety, the daily shots of love.nox…) 😀 HUGS

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  25. I feel many/most of this too, and it’s daunting, considering the “what if” and “what do I give up for what odds?” and all that. Our insurance is moderately awful and we moved a long distance FOR the moderately awful insurance (which has turned out to be a mistake… ugh…) and zero infertility coverage, so unless we are stinking lucky again, we have two miracle kids. It’s a long and icky road, and I wish it weren’t for anyone. I figure that whatever we do, it is best to make sure there are no regrets, so we need to make peace with our decision and REALLY make peace with it, whatever it winds up being.

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  26. my philosophy is to have NO REGRETS. SO when you are 85 rocking in your glider and you think back — no matter what the outcome — would you regret not giving it your all to find out if you can/will have another child? You were lucky that the first one didn’t take you a decade to make so mayb you will luck out again — you never know, if you don’t try.

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  27. Sheena · · Reply

    This may be completely unhelpful, but just in case: http://www.dr-kristy.com/balancing-hormones-with-seed-clycling/.

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    1. Thanks! I’ll check it out!

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  28. St. Elsewhere · · Reply

    Many hugs, Josey.

    I am also in the midst of ‘it’s complicated’ with trying for another after Figlia. I lost my first baby,

    I have gone through two full pregnancies, with just one living baby. The things that happened during the last few months of the pregnancy and after it, my age, our finances, my coming-to-sleep, and number of things are weighing me down too.

    I want another. I want another. But.

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    1. Ugh, I read your 5 yr blogiversary post the other day on my phone. It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride for you these past few years. ((HUGS))

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  29. One reason we want to try for #2 so soon is I have amazing insurance, not IVF amazing but everything else is so amazing. Oh and I said a millions times to myself when I stopped breastfeeding that this could be the last time ever. My husband thought I was crazy for being so sad about it. I sure hope #2 works out as well as Stella did.

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  30. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? TTC sucks. TTC#2 sucks as well. For me it has been harder, in many ways, that it was the first time around. perhaps it is because of that doubt, that little voice that says, “just be happy.” But the heart wants what it wants and mine, too, wants a sibling for my girl.

    I hope that you are indeed lucky, and don’t need any treatments at all. Go take that inositol, girl. one never knows!!!

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    1. Ugh, of all people, my HUSBAND is the one who keeps telling me “just be thankful we have Stella” when I tell him that TTC#2 is already a mindfuck for me. Um, thanks a lot C. I AM thankful for Stella, and you of all ppl shouldn’t be telling me this. %#&*@($&@!(

      I’ve slacked on the inositol – started it up again this morning when I read this!

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  31. Andrea (Candidly_Andrea) · · Reply

    I’m just catching up on some of your posts and came across this one and BOY are we in the same boat on this subject. I feel like we have a parallel life sometimes!

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  32. […] – I opened up the month with Hesitation, which was all about my fears of getting back into the TTC world. It’s pretty amazing to me […]

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