Jumbled Thoughts

Up. Down. Up. Down. 

That’s what my heart has been doing lately. We have been vacillating between the some great highs but also a really sad low in our house lately, and it’s hard to even put together a coherent post about it all. Here are the high points…

  • The lowest of lows: Axel. This little boy was a daycare playmate of Stella’s (in a home daycare here in town – only 3 kids – so we knew him well). Shock. Horror. Tragedy. Words cannot adequately describe this situation that got worse and worse as more details unfolded. His memorial is tonight… I still haven’t decided if I can/will go or not. It’s just so awful. This has overshadowed everything in our lives for the past 11 days.
  • A great highSCS. First off, please forgive the half finished website. I guess it’s time to kick that up the priority list! This is Charlie’s new company (which he started one year ago this month). He’s been working in construction and/or concrete for the past decade, and he decided awhile back that he really wanted to go out on his own. Last spring we started the company, took out the loan, bought the equipment, and he started bidding jobs while he continued to work for another local contractor. Last weekend all the hard work paid off, and he got his first job that was enough work to quit his current job for! It’s at least three, but most likely six weeks worth of work, during which he’ll be doing his damndest to get more jobs to follow it up with. Eek! It’s scary — and exciting — all at the same time. My monthly wages don’t even cover the mortgage, so this is a big step for us, but with great risk comes great reward, right? Charlie loves what he does, and he’s great at it, so fingers crossed that this will be a great new opportunity for our family.
  • A mixed blessing: Almost exactly two years ago I wrote this post hoping that it would be my last CD1 for 40 weeks. Little did I know that I would eventually get to the point that I actually started worrying that my body had completely forgotten how to work at all when it didn’t come back. Last week I bought a massive pack of cheapie ovulation and HPT sticks (like any good PCOSer would) in hopes of needing them someday to at least appease my mind that I was not pregnant, even though I wasn’t getting AF. Then the very next day I got a message from a fellow IF blogger that she had thrown three boxes of the quality yes/no version OPKs in the mail for me as well. As of yesterday, I am stocked up in OPKs and HPTs. Nature then laughed at me, today at work I started feeling like dog shit, and I promptly realized that tampons were all I needed for the time being. Too bad I only had leftover postpartum pads on hand. 😛

When I stopped home over my lunch break for a minute to grab said pad, I got to hang out with this little girl (who promptly crawled into my lap and stole the rest of my turkey wrap). Looking over the recent highs and lows in our lives, it is more apparent than ever that as long as she is in our lives, we will be okay.



  1. Elizabeth · · Reply

    My heart breaks for poor Axle, his family & all who knew him. What an awful, unthinkable situation. I am so sorry!

    Congratulations on your husbands company! That is wonderful! My husband is a civil engineer who also has a side business as a General Contractor building houses. He would love to be able to start his own full time business but it is so scary in the economy. Best of luck to you guys!

    And you are so right! Everything will be OK as long as your baby girl is with you! God bless you all Josey!

  2. Congrats to Charlie – prayers are with you both that the company is prosperous!

    Axel – my heart breaks for his family. I can’t even begin to imagine the horror….it is beyond belief. I just don’t even know what else to say – other than his family and friends will be in my prayers. Every parent’s worst nightmare.

    Mixed blessing….hoping that those OPKs and HPTs come in handy in the very near future and bring great news your way!

  3. Good luck with the business.

    Highs and lows are us too.

    Lets hope summer brings more highs!!!!!

  4. elizabethkbaker · · Reply

    Wow- that is the saddest most tragic story I’ve read in a long time. I’m heartbroken for the family. Congratulations on your husband’s company- what a great opportunity for your family! I hope you need those tests soon!

  5. Congrats to Charlie and to you! My dad had a concrete contracting business for a long time. He loved it.

    I’m glad AF returned. One can never have enough pee sticks. 😉

    I feel just awful for that family. It really is too horrible to contemplate.

  6. I don’t even know this family and I am completely wrecked by this news. I can think of nothing else. I cannot even fathom what that child went through and what his family will go through for the rest of their lives. What you said at the end about the fact that you will be okay as long as Stella is with you…you could not be more right.

  7. I have thought for and prayed for Axle’s family every day since you first posted it. I can’t even imagine their pain. Makes me hug R a little tighter now.

    Congrats on Charlie’s company. I hope he gets tons of business and you won’t have to worry or stress at all!

    And here’s to OPK’s and HPT’s. Now that AF has made her appearance, maybe good things are on the horizon for you!

  8. Since you told us the news of Axel, he and his family have been on my mind daily (and through the night when I can’t sleep). I just cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through. It makes me so very very angry at the world when I hear about things as horrible as this. My heart breaks for the family and your little town.

    So wonderful to hear of Charlie’s business!!! That is great news and I am so happy for both of you. I hope he continues to get more and more business very soon. Risks are good! Good for you two!!

    Yay AF!!! My first thought was definitely positive when I read this. I am in the same boat as you had been, waiting and wondering when AF will return, so I know it must be a bit of a relief. Hope you are able to put those HPTs to work soon!! And hoping this news of AF reminds my own AF to hurry up and return!! 😉

  9. Desiree · · Reply

    Oh my God, I clicked through to that story and I am horrified and heartbroken. It’s taking everything in me not to crawl into my daughter’s crib right now. She’s going to be 2 soon….
    There is just so much evil in this world…

    But congrats on your husband’s leap of faith – your family will be rewarded for your risks, I just know it.

  10. I only know of this thanks to your story, although I wished I didn’t know of it. 🙁 I can’t begin to imagine what Axel’s family are going through and my heart pours out for them. Such a senseless & horrible act upon an innocent child. Nauseating to say the least. My thoughts and prayers are with them through this time.

  11. I think of Axel, his family, and your community all the time – I hope there is peace to be found sometime soon for everyone touched by this little boy.

    Congrats to Charlie. This is HUGE! What a great way to start the spring – with work of your very OWN! I’m sure it’s scary being self-employed (I could never do it), but so worth it in the end when it works out. The hard part is taking the leap of faith and you’ve both done that. Congrats to you both!

    Thank goodness for Stella hugs. God knows we need hugs from our kids at times like these.

  12. mcmissis · · Reply

    I started my period today, too! About six weeks after my first post-Lyla birth one. Congrats/good luck with the business. It is soooooo nerve-wracking! Let me know if you ever have any questions or just want to vent. Us business-owner-wives have to stick together 😉

  13. I couldn’t finish the news article that was the worst thing I can ever imagine ever happening. I am sending you hugs and condolences. It is truly heart breaking

    It seems hard to have such awful tragic news and then life goes on and you have such happy news for yourself. Chippie went out on his own five years ago and has never looked back! If you ever need to talk of chat about it I am here! Learning to manage the highs and lows of cash is hard!! The best advice I can give is contracts and putting it in writing!

    Oh and yay to period! No, seriously 🙂

  14. What a terrible, shocking story. I can’t even. My thoughts are with sweet little Axel and the family and community who are grieving him.

    And it seems awful to segue into this from that, but congratulations to Charlie and you on the big step you’re taking with the new company! I imagine it’s scary, but it sounds like he’s in a great position to succeed.

    Here’s to CD1, and putting all those sticks to good use very soon.

  15. St. Elsewhere · · Reply

    Oh My God! Oh My God!

    The tragedy is horrific. When I read the news story setting out the details, it sent a shiver down me. Oh My God!

    I don’t know how the family is coping with this.

    Congrats on the new venture, and on getting your periods. Both fabulous thing.

    My prayers are with the family.

  16. I can’t get that story of the sweet child out of my mind. And to have it happen so close to home (you know what I mean), I can’t even imagine. I hope if you decided to go last night that there was a lot of support shown to the family and it wasn’t too hard.

    Congrats to your hubby! What an accomplishment!

    Damn Aunt Flo! Hopefully it’s a one time thing and you won’t need those tampons for a long long time!

  17. I followed the links to read about Axel and all I wanted to do want throw up. Why are people so awful and so cruel. This is just sick. I’m so sorry for their family, for your family and for that little boy. Oh my.

  18. Congrats to you both for taking the risk involved with starting your own business! It will be so rewarding! I hope a steady stream of work comes in for Charlie!

  19. I am so sorry about Axel, and so disgusted that there are people like that in this world. My heart breaks for his family.

    I’m glad you got the OPK’s and that your body has taken your stocking up as the cue to get back on track!!! I’m excited for you and know that embarking on this journey again comes with both excitement and weariness, but I know you have what it takes, and I’m hopeful you’ll have another little love to take home soon enough!

  20. Congratulations to Charlie on the company (love the name!!) and to you as well, as these things are rarely built without massive spousal and family support. I wish you guys the very best of luck and hope that this is only the beginning of great things to come.

    Ah, the OPKs, the HPTs, the tampons. What a mindfuck, but I’ll be sending you lots of ovulatory thoughts. May your lines be dark and double. 😉

    Also, I don’t know when you changed it because I’ve been so MIA, but I LOVE the new header. Stella has such joy in her smile.

  21. […] over three months ago, I wrote a jumbled post about the highs and lows that were going on in our lives. The scary high was that my husband had […]

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