9 Weeks

I’m afraid to even type this out loud, but I think I’m turning a corner in the vomiting department after having the sickest weekend of my life last weekend. I’m still nauseous all day, but for the past two days I haven’t puked all day (only in the evenings/night), which is a VAST improvement for me. With Stella I got sick at 6w4d and at 10w started feeling better – this baby just seems to be doing it all a week ahead of schedule! *knock on wood* Of course I’ll probably feel like shit again tomorrow, but at least I had today to feel decent, right? I’m down 5# in the past 3 weeks, so it’d be nice to be able to stabilizing and start feeling better.

On that note, one of my closest IRL friends told me today that’s she’s in the middle of miscarrying. This scares the shit out of me.

  • One of my other best girlfriends got pregnant the same time as me last time, but she ended up miscarrying and I didn’t. 3 months later she conceived again, and she now has an adorable little boy who is great friends with Stella — and she’s 6w pregnant again.
  • The friend today had no issues conceiving last time (her daughter is 6 months younger than Stella), and it only took two months this time. But now this.

To reiterate, that’s:

  • Friend A: 1 miscarriage (probably 2-3 chemicals actually) while TTC#1 for healthy baby boy + 6w pregnant now.
  • Friend B: 1 healthy baby girl + 1 miscarriage (would have been 7w pregnant now with #2)
  • Me: PCOS/unexplained IF (never a loss) while TTC#1 for a health baby girl + 9w pregnant now.

It just feels like I’ve gotten too “lucky” to never experience the heartache of loss. Our heartache involved never being able to get pregnant in the first place. That was hard as hell – to not know if my body was even capable of GETTING pregnant – but I have a feeling that experiencing the loss side of things is no easier – simply a different sort of pain.

When I found out that two of my three best friends in town were both pregnant and due within one month of me, it felt too good to be true (which is why I haven’t written about it until now). We know the stats – we know how often early pregnancy ends in miscarriage – and it felt like I spent the last few weeks wondering “who’s it gonna be?”

I’m feeling absolutely horrible for my friend today, and sickly relieved it wasn’t me. I know that her misfortune doesn’t ensure the health of my fetus by any means, but it reminds me of how lucky I am to have made it this far. I know – we haven’t even seen him/her on a screen, we haven’t seen the heartbeat, and we really don’t know what’s going on. Add to that my decreasing nausea, and I’m suddenly pretty afraid. BUT, I’m doing my best to stay positive and think “we made it this far…”

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21 comments

  1. lparsons15 · · Reply

    I am so terribly sorry for your friend, I can imagine how this is scary for you. I hope you are right and are turning a corner with the illness, I honestly have been thinking about you non stop! I am going to work on commenting more, I always have read but I know I need to work on the commenting thing. I am rooting for you and really hope you feel better!

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  2. First of all, I’m so glad you are feeling better, and hope it lasts!

    Second of all, it freaking bites to feel so surrounded by IF and loss. It really is everywhere, and it just doesn’t seem fair at all. I am so sorry for your friend. I had a close friend experience an early loss recently after never having any problems before. It really beat her up, and broke my heart. I personally am grateful I never had to experience losing a pregnancy. Never being able to achieve pregnancy was hard enough. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been to get pregnant, and then to lose it. I truly wish no one ever had to experience that!

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  3. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better. I’ve been reading your story and am hoping for the best for you. I’ve suffered a loss and it’s truly horrible. My heart goes out to your friend. But it’s ok to feel relieved that things are going well for you. We all know what a gift it is to be pregnant!

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  4. I have been thinking about this all afternoon. I am just so sorry for your friend. My losses were one of the hardest times of my life. There is just no getting around that. I know you, though, and I know you will help her through it. I wish I had had a friend like you during that time – truly.

    And if I can’t puke for you, or hold you hair back while you do, I’ll hold you in my heart instead. ❤

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  5. Miscarriage is so scary. We lost our first at 19 weeks, then had a chemical pregnancy, so I was terrified throughout my pregnancy with Harriet. I’m so sorry for your friend. It can be especially bad when friends are due around the same time you were due because then throughout life, there’s a reminder of how old your child would have been, what milestones he/she would have been experiencing, etc. I’m glad that she has a sensitive, caring friend in you and (assuming she is friends with the other woman you mentioned) another friend who has been there.

    Also, nine weeks is a great place to be. Chances of something happening at this point are already really low. Hoping and praying that you continue to feel better.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear about your friends, Josey. I have been there, and it is definitely the saddest days of my life, far surpassing the years of infertility. I am literally petrified about it happening again. Reading this adds a new level of fear, but is a reminder to me that God is so in control of this. He carried me through to the other side before, and I know he will do it again, God forbid something happen this time. I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. By now, your risk has decreased substantially. Praying for you, Josey!

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  7. OH Josey! I’m so sorry to read about your friend. It’s so scary. It’s so hard when you’re pregnancy is going along and this happens. It really makes you stop and think, and worry like hell. And having your symptoms lighten up when hearing this, I can completely understand your worries.

    Here’s hoping the nausea continues to improve and stays away and a happy healthy full term baby for you. Sending good thoughts and prayers for your friend struggling with loss right now. Thinking of all of you….

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  8. kel24 · · Reply

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s losses. We have male factor and did treatments to have our first 2, then I had 2 losses (one we got pregnant on our own, the other after a frozen cycle.) One was a blighted ovum and I was 8 wks measuring 5 wks and the other a early loss at almost 6 weeks. Then I got pregnant on my own the next cycle and had my third.

    I know how much it sucks to be sick Josey, I really do. I was puking 7 wks to 17 wks all 3 successful pregnancies. I know it is no consolation, but for people like you and I, it IS a good sign as much as it SUCKS. Both my losses I was NOT sick at all and that was a sign something was wrong, for me nausea and vomiting is a good sign. I lost 10 lbs with my first and I was small to start but once it passed it went well.

    Zofran, Phenergan, B6 and Unisom…I alternated them all with smoothies and frozen drinks. I still puked, but not 10 times a day.

    I am thinking of you and praying it passes soon and the little one continues to grow strong 🙂 I know the feeling of “this is going too well” to be pregnant on your own and quickly after treatments. It just is SO different. Can’t wait to hear about your ultrasound soon!

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  9. mcmissis · · Reply

    I’m so glad you’re feeling any better, even if its just a little. And I’m so so sorry for your friend. When I was pregnant with Gracie, I knew a few other people who were pregnant, and they all had something go terribly wrong. It gave me such guilt and a bizarre sense that mine would be just fine.

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  10. St. Elsewhere · · Reply

    I am terribly sorry for your friend’s loss, And I hope that your nausea completely subsides soon.

    I have a parallel experience to share – during the time around I found out that I was pregnant with Lo.la, there were a couple of other bloggers who had also recently come to know of their pregnancy. One of them had already suffered a loss before, and I was extremely glad to know about her new pregnancy (she had her BFP about a month before me). For the whole lot of us that got pregnant, this particular lady later came to know on a later ultrasound about the baby no longer having a heartbeat. That loss jabbed me further. I also felt awfully guilty about me being pregnant and happily so when she was just dealing with a second straight loss. All the other ladies went off to a successful pregnancy and their children are chronicled here and there. My reality would painfully change eventually, but how was I know.

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  11. St. Elsewhere · · Reply

    …ugh…how was I to know.

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  12. Survivor guilt… it’s awful.
    I still feel bad for two bloggers who lost their little ones who conceived at the same time as me. Both are pregnant now, let’s hold thumbs it sticks!
    Hope you feel better.

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  13. Oh Josey. Hugs lady! I’ve got nothing to give but hugs. xoxo

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  14. Loss is so damn hard. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am so very sorry for your friends loss. She will be in my prayers as she goes through this incredibly difficult time.
    I really hope you have, in fact, turned the corner and start to feel better everyday. I was fortunate to not experience horrible morning sickness (just had nausea, but no vomiting), so I can’t imagine how awful it has been for you. It sucks that such a happy time has to be marred by something so awful!

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  15. First off, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I don’t know what it’s like to have debilitating morning sickness, but it sounds absolutely awful. Hoping that it has passed and you continue to feel better with each passing day.

    Secondly, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Losing a much wanted pregnancy is a very hard thing. One thing I ask is that you not beat yourself up during this time. Just because you haven’t experienced miscarriage doesn’t mean that you don’t understand grief and despair. Infertility is it’s own beast, which is why I hate seeing people comparing which is more painful. The fact is they both are awful and traumatic events (I know, I’ve been through both). So, no guilt over any of this. Just be with your friend during this time, helping her as she goes through the grieving process.

    Sending hugs.

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  16. First, hooray for 9 weeks and that your nausea is subsiding a bit!

    I am so so sorry for your friend’s loss. It’s heartbreaking and unfair and it just plain sucks. I hope she is doing okay, I wish no one had to know the pain of a loss.

    It’s so hard to be pregnant at the same time as anyone, I was so scared that would lose this pregnancy, and then many of my friends in my Mom’s group got pregnant (5, actually). I was so terrified that I would lose this baby and I would watch my friends have their number twos without issue, or that one of them would lose theirs and have to suffer through loss and watch as their friend’s stomach’s expanded. I was so dreading that, but thankfully none of us have miscarried and we’re all through the first trimester.

    Chances are so good that things are going well in there! Missed miscarriages are uncommon, my motto was always things are just fine unless I have evidence of otherwise (bleeding, bad ultrasound, etc). That said, I can’t wait till you get that reassurance via ultrasound!!! And yay you can stop the endometrin pretty soon too. Adios, goopy crotch! Hang in there!

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    1. Goopy crotch. That made me laugh out loud. 🙂 I was actually thinking that this morning – I can’t wait to be done with it!!

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  17. So glad you are feeling better!!

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  18. Jessica · · Reply

    Shut up! Omg I’m so behind on blogs. Congrats!!!!! So excited for you guys!!!! Hope the sickness goes away for good and that they let you see little nugget soon! I would nut up and bust up in there to do an u/s myself. Haha!

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  19. I am sooo behind on blog posts, but hope you are continuing to turn a corner with the sickness / puking. It can’t last forever right?! :/ I still can’t imagine. You are one tough lady!!!

    Also, so sorry to hear of your friend’s loss 😦 Why must it be so hard?

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  20. Glad you are getting past it! Those feelings of relief and then guilt are hard to deal with for sure. But you didn’t cause their loss, so try not to let the guilt win out.

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