Roughly 5 years ago I started blogging in this space, and Kylee was one of the very first bloggers I ever read (we were both TTC #1 at that point). Over the years the topics of her writing have evolved as her life has changed, but I have always enjoyed reading stories about her life as an ex-pat in Mexico. At any rate, last September she lost her Mom in a tragic car accident, and over the past year she has been writing a series of heart breaking, amazing posts about her process of grieving that I would always read with bated breath and tears in my eyes. Almost exactly 6 months after her Mom’s death, we lost Jaime, and as soon as I came up from the depths of the immediate pain, I went back to her posts and read and reread them. Sometimes you just want to know what to expect as you travel this road, and though everyone’s experience of loss is obviously different, there are core facets that are the same.
When she wrote a post entitled “On Grief: 7 Days” last week, it struck me to my soul yet again.
When she died, I stopped singing. I didn’t hum. I didn’t hear the radio in the car. All I heard was sadness. Grief.
I remember a couple of months after she died driving along and I sang. My voice didn’t even sound like my voice; I think it startled me.
Slowly… life starts happening again. The stupid “new normal” happens and… you move forward. (Notice, I didn’t say you “move on”… because you don’t. You merely move forward.
It’s the daily reminders that are the hardest.
She’s still listed in my “favorites” on my phone.
Sometimes she turns up as my “ship to” address on amazon.
Then there’s that song I hear.
Or there’s the laugh of my sister that reminds me of her.
And then there’s seeing her sisters.
And then there are the feathers…
So, I’m still crying, because she’s worth the tears.
I guess I’m learning that there’s no timeline with grief. There’s no start and finish.
Go read the post. It hurts…it hurts to think that in 6 more months my heart will still hurt so much, that this grief will still be so raw and present… but like Ky said, she is worth the tears.
Beautiful post, I will check out that series….sounds like something I’d be interested in. Thinking of you today, I know some days are harder than others.
I wish I could reach through the internet and hug you. I’m honored that my words resonated with you. Grief is truly the tie that binds us, no? I’m so sorry that you’ve had to trudge down this road. Your tears for Jaime are worth it. This is how you honor her now.
I wish I had words; but I don’t.
I wish I had a timeline of normalcy; but I don’t.
Know that I read this and that I’m thinking of you.
P.S. That photo of the 3 of you is awesome. Jaime looks like *fun*. Such a happy smile.
When I saw your likes on fb today, I took a deep breath. I’m so sorry today is a hard day. Maybe today she’s missing you guys more than normal, and it’s showing up in your heart, too.
I’m so sorry, Jos. It truly does get easier, but it takes a long, hard time. <3