Grief and healing is a funny thing. It’s been 14 months since Jaime died, and sometimes we can go days or even weeks without crying about her now. Charlie and I still share melancholy smiles and sighs from time to time when we hear her favorite song or Stella tells a story about her, but tears no longer happen regularly.
Then, out of nowhere, BAM. I’m sobbing like it was yesterday.
Last night I watched the Grey’s Anatomy season finale, and near the end of the episode Amelia listened to Meredith’s final voicemail from Derek. I was already emotional because (1) Grey’s was the show Jaime & I always watched together, and (2) Derek was Jaime’s favorite person on the show so I know she’d have been outraged he is gone. After the scene ended and I had a good cry, I opened up my computer to pull up her old voicemails that I had saved from my old iPhone to my computer last fall before I upgraded my phone.
Remember how my computer hard drive crashed last month and I lost about 7 months of documents & videos and 6 weeks of pictures? Well, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I also hadn’t backed up the folder on my desktop that had miscellaneous Jaime stuff in it – including those voicemails that I had saved about 6 months ago.
Words cannot express how hard I sobbed last night.
Her voice. I can’t believe I lost my last recordings of her hysterical voicemails. “Oh Jos, have I got a story for you…” or “Dude, CALL ME BACK. [Boyfriend] called me his ex-girlfriend’s name last night. Yeah, I obviously did not handle that well. CALL ME!” or even a simple, “Yos-mite (my nickname for some reason), I’m coming over after this stupid dentist appointment. Call me if you need me to pick up anything.”
I cannot believe I lost those voicemails.