You’re welcome to have another child, it just won’t be with me. – Charlie
After everything we went through to start our family six years ago, it feels a little crazy to be even in a position to write this post, but here we are! When my husband’s little sister died back in March of 2014 when Harvey was just two months old, my husband was 100% on board for us to try to have a 3rd baby someday. Over the past year and a half, that has slowly changed. Now whenever I bring up the idea of removing my IUD and at least not preventing the possibility of another baby, he alternately laughs or groans and says the statement above. *sigh* My head and my heart are so conflicted.
At the beginning of 2015, Keanne shared a link to this story –> With a Heart Wide Open
I read it…and I bawled. Go read it now, and then come back here!
Before Charlie and I got married, the biggest life decision we would argue about was the number of kids we wanted to have someday. I always said 4 (I come from a family of 5 kids) and he always said 3. After all of our TTC issues, we were stoked to even have Stella and weren’t sure we were even willing to go through the heartache of TTC/IF again to even try for a second baby. Then the conception of Mr. Harvey happened so easily, and we were beyond thrilled that Stella wouldn’t be an only child. All of a sudden having 3 children didn’t seem so impossible, except for the normal reasons (space, time, money, etc).
As a caveat – of course I know that just because we didn’t have issues conceiving Harvey it doesn’t mean it’d be easy to bring a third child into this world. Allow me to hang out in my dreamland for a bit though, m’kay?
At any rate, I don’t like being pregnant. I REALLY don’t like being pregnant. Puking all day every day through 17 weeks with Harvey was freaking horrible, and I’m petrified of trying to parent two kids and feeling like that again. However, pregnancy is a blip on the road of life when it comes right down to it, and I love birth and I love the newborn stage, so if I have to be pregnant to get to do all of that again and add another child to our family, so be it. I really want another baby; I really want a bigger family.
Then Keanna shared a link to this story –> I called him pathetic, he accused me of ruining his life: What children did to our marriage
I guess I’m thinking about this again this week because I have my period again. My period came back at 15 months postpartum after Stella, and that very next cycle was when we conceived Harvey. It was a 51d cycle, but somehow a CD37 ovulation still resulted in our little man. After Harvey was born, my cycle came back at 13 months postpartum (still nursing, just like I was with Stella). There’s definitely a part of me that is worried we missed our fertile window with that first 43 day cycle. Thanks to PCOS, my cycles are all over the board again, just like before. I haven’t been tracking temps or anything, but just from cycle lengths I know that my body is still good and fucked up.
- February 2015 – 43 days
- March 2015 – 60 days
- May 2015 – 33 days
- June 2015 – 19 days (WTF?)
- July 2015 – 38 days
- August 2015… started on Saturday
Then I write all that out and think, “Does it even matter that my body is still screwed up?” About 80% of the time, my husband is pretty clear that he doesn’t want to try for a 3rd child. It’s the 20% of the time that we’re talking about the loss of his sister and how he couldn’t have imagined going through that without his brother at his side that he is more open to the idea of a 3rd… but is that enough? I really don’t want to regret not trying for the big family I always wanted, but I also don’t want to have my husband resent me for forcing him into a larger family than he now envisions for himself either. 🙁
How about you? Were you on the same page as your significant other about family size? Did your ideal number of kids change as your family actually grew? How did you come to an agreement about when your family was complete? Do you regret the agreement you came to, or are you at peace about it?
Those pics of your babies at just a few hours old are just so sweet. That’s tough being on different pages….I don’t know how you move past that and come to an agreement. Good luck to you guys, whatever you choose to do! Love following your journey.
They looked SO much alike as babies I think. Hard to remember what it felt like to hold an hours old newborn though!
My husband and I are pretty set on just having two kids. The first one took us 3 years and we are gearing up for another IVF round to hopefully have #2. We are all about man-to-man defense instead of zone! 🙂
LOL, yes, we have thought about this. I love traveling, and man-to-man defense is definitely nice, and even if I’m alone, I have 1 arm to grab each kid! I keep thinking the older kids would help with the younger ones though if we had another, you know? I know I helped a ton when my younger siblings came around, and I loved it!
Oh man this is a daily topic for us right now. A big part of both us really want to have a 3rd but then I get pulled back worrying about money (this is the largest factor which I hate but that’s reality). But then even during daily task I find myself wondering how will we divide and conquer. We can each put one to sleep, we can’t each take one to an activity, someone has to share a room and so on. I worry will one child suffer because there are 3 of them and only 2 of us.
Well I am in your same boat…sort of. My husband says the exact same thing. You are welcome to have another child. It just won’t be mine! Ha! Now my twins are only 4 months old and I am not even sure I would want to try for a fourth but I am not yet ready to just say never not ever going to happen either. We have been discussing it because he wants to get a vasectomy. I refuse to be on any sort of hormonal birth control and I don’t want to fix things permanently at the moment “just in case” we want to try down the road. SO yeah. It’s confusing.
Another little kink we have is that we still have one frozen embryo. I would be willing (somewhere down the line) to attempt to get pregnant with that. I would not be willing to do another IVF (we have done 6!)
I feel like with all of the issues with my eggs we wouldn’t get pregnant anyway so why should we do something permanent? His thoughts are it would totally happen to us. Spend 7 years building our family and spending all of our savings and then boom…unexpected pregnancy. I feel like if that happens then it happens.
I am just having a hard time going from desperately wanting to be pregnant for the last 7 years to ending the possibility of it ever happening again. I just can’t wrap my brain around it even though at the moment I do not desire to have more kids!
I will check out that link while nursing later!
Yes and No. When we first started out, we weren’t sure about kids then we got pregnant with our first and couldn’t imagine life without a second. I KNEW without a doubt that I was DONE with two but he started talking about a third. After lots of discussion, he conceded to stop with two and I have had my tubes tied. Sometimes he makes jokes about having more but with ours now being 4 & 7, we see a new phase in our life coming and we are happy with the ways things are.
OMG your post could not have come at a more appropriate time! I have literally been grappling with the idea of having a third for WEEKS. I am so wishy washy on it, though. Some days I can’t imagine having a third and some days I can’t imagine NOT having a third. I don’t even think about how much harder it is when they’re young. I start to think about when they start getting into activities. When H1 is at soccer and H2 is at a birthday party at the same time and then we throw in baby #3 and hubs and I are all over the place on the weekend, passing each other on the road, barely ever spending any time together as a family let alone as a couple. THAT is what scares me. The pressure it puts on the family and the marriage to get kids from place to place, eating on the road, never having thoughtful conversations anymore unless it’s about which kid needs to be where and when. And I just worry that having a third would just REALLY hurt us in the long run.
But then I think about how I would regret not having a third and how I always wanted at least four kids. I can’t imagine not having another and yet … I can. But there’s this HUGE part of me that just isn’t done.
Andy & I have always been on the 2 and done train. And we are done. Andy is 100% sold on that.
I waver. I often yearn for another one. But unlike you, I don’t really enjoy the newborn stage and the 18-24 month stage is kind of a bear too, and I’m just about out of that tunnel and I’m REALLY looking forward to the chapter we are starting.
I sometimes have doubts and I sometimes wish to add another one to the family, but I think that is very normal. And Andy has equal say in this matter, and his 100% confidence vs my wavering definitely leans towards his decision. And I’m okay with that.
We are done at 2.
Trying (and losing and losing) for #1 nearly destroyed me and our relationship. It has left scars. A surprise #2 has tested us (both individually and together) in ways that I am not sure we will recover from. We are not a couple who got stronger going through IF and loss, and parenting has been incredibly difficult as the differences between us are amplified in our parenting styles.
We are absolutely, without a doubt, done at 2. We won’t survive another. And we’re happy with that.
We are in the opposite boat as you right now. I don’t want more, and he does. We discussed it AT LENGTH back in March. I posted about it here: http://mcmissis.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-lifting-fog.html and here: http://mcmissis.blogspot.com/2015/03/were-all-here.html
(I didn’t go back and read these posts before posting them in this comment; so I can’t be sure they address your situation whatsoever or even really address our reasons right now.)
We decided to stop back then and agreed to stop talking about it. It was clear he wanted more, and I didn’t, and that we had decided to stop where we were. But he goes through some significant changes in “mood,” I guess I’ll say, in several-month blocks of time. And during some of those times, he brings it up in passing again. He has been in one of those periods for the past month or so and brought up having more again a couple weeks back. I think I might have finally convinced him we need to be done this time. And here’s my reasoning:
He has issues with feeling like he works harder than I do since I stay at home. He never says it outright, but it is very clear in the undertone of a lot of things he says. If I bring it up during a non-fighting time, he will admit it himself; so, I know it’s not just me being sensitive. For us, as a couple, it is critical I get back to working outside the home as quickly as possible in the situation we have chosen for how to raise our young kids. We both like that I stay home with them as babies and toddlers. We both want me to go back to work when the youngest is in school. He is not going to see us as on the same page until I’m back at work with a similar schedule as his. Currently, there are just too many issues that arise out of him feeling like he’s working harder than I am. If we had more kids, it would be even longer until I went back to work, and that imbalance of power/work/earnings/whatever would be pushed out longer as well. And truth be told, neither of us want four; so, if we had more, we’d go to FIVE. I could never go back to work in the way we envision with five children. We’d live a completely different life.
With allllll this being said, I think you should have more 🙂 You’re a great mom, and he seems like a great dad, and you would have a great time with one more kid. I really don’t think he would resent you for having more because once they’re here, there’s no way not to love them. You wouldn’t be able to picture your life without them anymore once they were already in your arms and in your house. They would just BE there, exactly where they should be. I truly think the only situation in which resentment could be an issue is with the person who wants more and doesn’t get it (ESPECIALLY if it’s not the one carrying the child in utero, breastfeeding that child, and in my case, doing the bulk of the early childrearing.) Unless that child becomes a horrible person someday, which is highly doubtful, I just can’t see a situation where a parent would regret having a kid that’s already there.
I don’t know if you can tell someone that their spouse won’t resent having a third child. She may know (or suspect) that about her husband but just because you know it would be your experience doesn’t mean it would be theirs. My husband would absolutely resent a third kid. There is just now way he’d ever embrace it. It would probably be the end of our marriage. I doubt her husband would react that way, but I wouldn’t presume it.
You’re right that I couldn’t TELL someone their spouse won’t resent having a third child. I was giving my opinion about this situation and should’ve worded it differently, considering all the other people reading it. I was talking about their situation to her specifically and didn’t think about other people reading it and thinking I was talking about them. Since making my blog private a while back and only reading a very small handful of others’ blogs, I think of them as more one-on-one than they are and should’ve just emailed her. All that being said, I don’t think she’s going to take the advice of a commenter on her blog over her own opinions and those of her husband. So, I think we’re pretty safe in commenting what we’re thinking without ruining her marriage.
I agree with this, our identify with it, so much. We have the same imbalance, and Brian says I have a harder job, but because our livelihood isn’t tied to it, there’s a… Resentment? I don’t know the word, but there’s something. His exhaustion is worse because he had to get to work earlier, his stress is more because of money, etc, yet I have the “harder” job. Because of this, I will be going back to work once Bryson is in school. And because of this, I’m happy to get there sooner than later.
Yes, the stress of being responsible for earning all the money is definitely the most significant issue!
We are completely done with our two. Long ago, before I ever knew my husband, I thought 3 was my number. But that was also premised on a lot of assumptions that haven’t come to pass, like starting much younger and conceiving naturally.
Given the pregnancy and delivery I had with my sons, I would literally risk my life to try for a third child. Both my husband and I agree that, even if we wanted a third child (which we mostly don’t), that wouldn’t be worth it.
We were so sure of this, btw, that we donated our six frozen embryos to another couple before our sons were a year old.
I wanted 3 Ryan wanted 2. If it hadn’t been a total disaster I probably would have pushed for 3
Ugh, I hate with all my heart that TTC was such a disaster for you guys. 🙁 I really am grateful to have the kids I do. Like Noemi wrote in the posts she linked to, I just hate that it’s not 100% my choice to be done or not (be it b/c of my husband, my fertility issues, or both)
I’m totally not begrudging you at all (it’s early and I’m lying in bed) I would have definitely gone for 3 if I could have.
No shit this just came up on my reader http://thegracetales.com/opinion-should-you-go-for-the-third-babe/
So there’s this:
But then there is also this:
All. The. Feelz.
I would also add that I’m really thankful that my own limits are very clear to me on this because if they weren’t I think I’d drive myself crazy trying to decide what to do. I understand why the woman in the first post you linked to wanted to have a third (living) child. I would (hypothetically) like to have one for all those reasons. But I know that I iust can’t manage it and maintain my sanity. I have absolutely hit my own limit and while there are times I wish it weren’t my limit (like when I read a post like that one), it is. I consider myself very lucky that my husband and I are now on the same page and that we have been allowed to live our life on that page. We are lucky, lucky, lucky.
As you know, we’ve been told to be done for medical safety reasons. I got a third opinion on that a few weeks ago. We’re done… With 5 frozen embryos we won’t destroy, all baby items and clothes sold and GONE, and not a single maternity shirt to loan my sister. And still…. I think that in a couple of years, we may feel the tug for a third. But I’ll be 41, my uterus will still be a uterus of doom, and no doctor would support it. But there will be a tug…
I 100% believe that if one spouse is done, then the couple is done. I have seen too much resentment happen because one was coerced into that last one when they didn’t want it. I wouldn’t play with fire that way… But I’m very cautious in these types of things. Brian is my #1 priority above my own wants, because we’re a team now, and I won’t risk US or our happiness (that was hard to get back) for something only I want.
It’s hard when someone or something else decides this for you, but that is life, and in my case, that is medicine, and it is what it is.
I don’t think I can like this comment enough. After trying so hard for one, we can’t decide on having a second. The reasons both ways make sense, but it’s hard when you have the evolutionary urge to have another baby. I hope you can come to an agreement soon 🙂
We struggled for about 18 months to get pregnant with our first son. Our second son was a happy surprise, born 5 days after #1s second birthday. We were content with 2 for a while. I loved being pregnant but neither of our first 2 births were ideal. When #2 was about 2 I got the bug to have another. But my husband wasn’t ready or sure. We agreed to wait 6 months or so and revisit the idea. I didn’t mention it for those 6 months. When we talked again, he was ready. 3 months later we were pregnant and now have 3 kids ages 7, 5, and 1. She was the perfect addition to our family. I can’t imagine our lives without her. Especially since my mom died 10 weeks after she was born. She had been so excited about having her first grand daughter. Maybe your husband will come around when he sees your kids getting older and sees how much it means to you. I wish we could have more but it would be a strain financially. And we are out of bedrooms. And we’re not spring chickens anymore! I’m 35 and my husband is 41. As much as I would love to experience pregnancy and newborn again, I’m content with 3. It feels right for us.
Totally relate Josie. We had a hard time having the first 2 (male factor), 2 early losses and then 2 more very easily. So yes, we have FOUR that are 6 and under. I know it isn’t for everyone, we said 2-3 and then we had 3 and 4 just “felt” right. My older 2 are so close and I am hoping my younger 2 will be the same. But more than that, they do fight, but they always are there for each other as a playmate and it’s awesome 🙂
Of course there are HARD days but now it’s gotten easier that the older 2 are school age and the younger 3 year old is in preschool a few mornings a week. Much easier and I appreciate the time I do have with them more.
I hate the puking also til 16 wks (I did it all 4 times!) but of course it’s worth it, it just sucks at the time! 😉
We have used no BC and by tracking cycles I have not gotten pregnant in 9-10 months but I will never say never. It’s not for everyone of course, a large family that is.
And just curious I missed McMissis whole response, but wondered why being ok with 5 and not 4? Most people like even numbers so one isn’t “left out” lol. I think it doesn’t matter, someone is always left out and that’s part of life 🙂 They all adapt! I just figured maybe she liked the number 5 ha!
Originally, it was because I didn’t want them to pair off; I liked the idea of them running as a pack more. Now, it has more to do with their ages. 1 and 2 are 20 months apart, and 2 and 3 are 20 months apart. Right now, 3 is 18 months. So having another now would make 4 noticeably younger than all of them. Then, we’d need 5 to be friends with him or her 🙂
Haha! Totally get it! My 1 and 2 are 15.5 months apart, 2 and 3 are 22 months apart and 3 and 4 are 21 months apart.
Number 4 is 19 months so I would feel the same if I had a 5th lol! Listen to our rationale! 😉
I figured this was the reason! My friends husband keeps nagging for a 5th so their 4th has a playmate like the other 3. She said no, and took permanent measures!
It’s so nice to be on the same page! My husband is happy with 4 for sure, but we don’t use BC so we both know there is always a chance, even if we avoid the fertile window.
Now that said, we had (I say had because last semen analysis was 6 years ago) severe male factor aka morphology and antibody issues so the first 2 were conceived with lots of help. They are close in age because we knew there may be a big struggle again. Then We got pregnant on OUR OWN when she was 8 months…a loss. Then some assistance again and a early loss at 6 wks. Cue thinking we can’t make a healthy baby without help…2 little boys 21 months apart on the first try! So not sure if the sperm issues must have resolved/improved in those 2 years.
I don’t know but after being so lucky with the last 2 I do NOT want to “try again” with intent. It was way too hard. I feel lucky we have the 4 healthy ones we do.
I am weeks (more likely days) from delivering our 3rd child and I am terrified. The toddler is in such a bad place right now and this has been a really hard, exhausting pregnancy. We always said we wanted 3 or 4, but I am 1000% sure we are done, done, done.
No offense, but I feel like you can put little stock in what very pregnant or people with newborns say. 😉 i remember crying to my Mom while being pregnant with Harvey and swearing I’d never do it again… But here I am. Memories of the hard times fade, for better or worse! I hope #3 is an “easy” child for you and that Charlotte transitions to a calmer place for you soon!!!
This is exactly what I was thinking when you were sick with Harvey 🙂
Yes! That is the hardest time. I said after EVERY pregnancy I would never do it again after puking daily and Zofran hardly working and I went on to do it 4 times! 😉
Oh no offense taken and I know you are right. It kind of makes me feel better in a way because it gives me some perspective-
I feel like I’m utterly failing as a mom right now and keep thinking “what have I done?”
For me: what SRB said. Wishing you and Charlie peace as you come to this decision together.
First off, I love your blog! I read often but rarely post 😉 I have 3 kids – a 5 yr old boy, a 3 year old girl (who was actually born right after Stella!) and a 13 month old boy. I had 4 failed IVF’s before going on to conceive all 3 of my kids naturally. (That’s with a bunch of clomid, injectibles & IUI’s mixed in along the way.) It still seems a miracle to me! Once I had my first baby I knew that I wanted 3 kids…like you though, I was afraid if it would be possible. It’s always been somewhat tricky for me to get pregnant, but I know that there are many who have a FAR more difficult time than I did, so in some ways I’m hesitant to say that. It took 18 months to conceive my 1st, 9 months to conceive the 2nd and 15 months to conceive the 3rd. And that is with PERFECT timing every month! (I’m a total type A who did OPK’s, temping, etc.!) I have to say that I LOVE having 3. My older two just adore their little brother. Yes, it’s tons of work and $, but so worth it. You are such an amazing mom, and you and Charlie just make the CUTEST babies!! It’s funny, I remember leaving the doctor’s office after my 6-week check up after my 3rd baby last summer. I called my husband and said, “I can’t believe this is it. No more babies.” He was like, “What?!? You could really have another?!? NO!! I”M DONE!” Ha. Well, I convinced him to try for a #4 for a little while, but I still don’t know if he’s on board. I only have 2 more months to try, my cycles have always been wacky with a late ovulation and a short LP – and I just turned 40, so it doesn’t look promising. I just feel like if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, I have been more than blessed with 3 kids. It just makes me sad to be moving on from this time in my life. So, long story short, I am totally with you in that it is such a hard decision with SO much to consider! I also feel like you are young and have some time to figure it out too.
Another thing, I know you’re grateful to even have this discussion with him, that the option of a third is even out there, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a crazy hard discussion to have. The weeks that we spent almost every night talking for HOURS about it, along with all-day texts, were truly emotionally taxing. Even McMister admitted that not having the decision made, one way or another, was brutal for him. Good luck with all of it, and I hope you can come to some resolution soon.
I only ever wanted two. After everything I’ve been through with Elodie, I am certain I won’t be changing my mind. Not going to push my luck. However, I sometimes think it could be healing in terms of all the things I didn’t get to do with her. But nope, not happening! My period is actually super late and I took a test today. It was weird to be so relieved to see a stark white BFN.
I really want a third. Especially lately as I see photos of sweet little babies I get that ache to want to do it again. thankfully, chris is on the same page, though I think he’s more okay with being done with two if this FET doesn’t work out than I am, though. I agree I want to be DONE with treatments. This is hard stuff, and I feel like such an asshole much of the time to even be in the position of trying for number three and then being sad that it’s going to be hard for us, of course, again. Or being sad that number three is hard for us.
I’m really sorry that you’re in this position – it’s especially difficult that Charlie is back and forth on the issue. it would be easier on you if he was 100% against it instead of this small window of maybe it would be okay and do you go for it? I agree that pregnancy is such a small, fleeting portion of the baby thing, though it can feel really overwhelming.
anyway. hugs, lady. tough stuff.
I always knew that I wanted a big family, I used to say I wanted 6 or 8, but as I realized that would never be my reality due to having to go through IF treatments, my number went down. Dustin and I have never really agreed on the number of kids we would have, even before we were married. We don’t fight about it at all, but he only has a sister and I have two siblings. I grew up around families with large families and like you, loved the idea of my kids having lots of siblings. I would like to have 4 kids, however D says he feels complete at our 2 boys right now. We’ve discussed it at length and we will be having a 3rd, he knows that and is fine with it. He has said that if #3 is a boy, he is more willing to entertain having a 4th, because he would really like to have a girl and experience that daddy/daughter bond. However, if #3 is a girl, we will be done he says.
I think a lot of Dustin’s hesitation in having more kids is that #1 pregnancy and fertility treatments is hard on me, physically and emotionally. I had terrible morning sickness with both of my pregnancies and I kind of dread dealing with that again. I remember with both boys, the first six months being a bit tense with our marriage. Also, the post partum hormones, stress of breastfeeding and lack of sleep made me pretty snappy and naggy on Dustin. Once the fog lifted a bit, we’ve always come out fine, but I think he remembers those rough days and dreads going through that again. I do too. I tell myself that with each baby I will recognize that, and be better, but there is still an adjustment period with each additional child. I want to respect his feelings on the size of our family too, so I plan on going into baby #3 telling myself it’s “our last baby” in hopes that if it truly is, I will be able to savor and find a little closure.
I am like you, I love birth and newborns. I can’t imagine personally ever “feeling done” having babies. I just love being a mom so much, to watch my kids grow up and to move out of the baby phase kills me. I already know, when the last baby comes, I will mourn and grieve not being pregnant again, the last birth, and snuggling a newborn again. It’s ok to be sad and long for another baby I think, even when you know there won’t be anymore.
I would say to keep talking and discussing it. What are Charlie’s main reasons for not wanting a 3rd? I agree, you don’t want him to resent you if you add a 3rd, however there is just something about not being at peace about being done for good. You also don’t want to resent him for not having more as well. It’s hard, but keep talking about it and I hope you guys can come to an agreement.
My heart seems to think about #3 a little more often these days, but my husband says he is DONE. So, I focus more on why this would be a good decision for us. I am the oldest of four children. I feel like my mom didn’t spend a lot of quality time with me because she literally always had a baby to care for. I am a working mom and I have even less time than she did to invest in the relationships I have with our two children. And I want close relationships with them. Yes, I realize this can be done with more than two children, but I really can’t imagine myself splitting my time outside of work with another baby at this stage in life while still trying to maintain the strong relationships I have with my children and husband. And I can’t imagine our youngest child being a middle child. She is our “baby” and I guess now always will be!
After we had our third we were both sure we were done I went to my OB and asked about getting a tubal ligation. After the appointment I felt like it was such a permanent decision and I wasn’t comfortable making it. We conceived our two youngest through an RE so we thought our chances to get pregnant on our own were very, very slim. My OB appointment was in December of 2014 and I found out I was pregnant in February of 2015. I also have PCOS and was on cd 100 something when I must have ovulated. We both agreed that if I ever did get pregnant again, it’d be a miracle and we’d be happy but that baby would be our last. I’m 9 weeks away from my induction and after the initial shock I’m pumped to meet this little person. I think if you’ll regret not trying for a third that you shouldn’t just let it go because you may be resentful too…maybe you guys could take the chance and see what happens with no pressure either way??
We ALMOST did a one-cycle leave it up to God try. If it happened that month, it happened. If it didn’t, we were done. We decided not to.
Another fabulous post that gets people talking! I love it! Well – my husband and I are on the same page, we want to have a third to add to our family of 2 year old twins. But now I’m starting to think we dont know what we are getting ourselves into. Three means we are outnumbered, and money will be tight. Will it strain our marriage? I don’t think so, but I supposed there’s no way to know!
#47th commenter…I don’t know if my comment makes a difference at all.
We never really talked number before we started TTC. I was always wanting two. When we realized that having children was going uphill for us, our focus was having atleast one.
Our first atleast one died. But after our second atleast one lived, trying again was more out of “taking a chance” than anything else. And I was pretty sure that it was my last year trying. So had I not conceived in 2014, Figlia would have been our only living child for sure.
We did not have to come to any agreement on when we were done. I am sure that I am done. Infancy is hard on me. Both of my children are not fantastic sleepers (you can figure that out from my blog). I had begun to enjoy time with Figlia more when it had finally happened that she slept all night and so did I. I am in the sleep wringer again, and cannot wait to get out.
Plus, this is the optimum number for us emotionally, practically and financially.
I don’t regret not wanting more.
I was hoping you would comment because I was definitely interested in your perspective. Thanks for stopping by to share your thoughts. <3
I felt these feelings, really really badly. There was a time (when my #2 was about 15-20 months) when I could think of little else. However although my heart yearned for the newborn days again, my head always knew that we’d be better off stopping at 2. Most of (but not all) the reasons for this have been covered by previous posters.
My youngest is now 3 years 3 months and I can honestly say that I’ve gotten over it. I no longer feel the yearning. 2 children is what’s right for us. Plus there are many, many positives to being past the baby stage!
I’d still give anything to ‘do it all again’ but with the 2 babies I’ve already got……not by adding another baby to the mix (2 girls aged 3 and 5)
So much to say on this topic xxx
I love, love, love everything about this comment! This is exactly how I feel about my two boys. I would go back in an instant to soak up their baby-ness some more, but it’s so nice to be moving into a new phase of parenting. I think many of us feel this no matter how many you have… The last one just makes us ache for, “a little more.”
Thanks – it is immeasurably reassuring to find that someone out there agrees with you when it comes to parenting!
I talked my husband into a third. It’s been hard on our relationshio…more than I would have thought.
I always wanted two kids – a boy and a girl. JJ and I agreed we both wanted two kids. Then when the third pregnancy came along, our world was rocked. You know how that ended and JJ was at the doctor within weeks to get snipped. I guess I hadn’t thought of it so much in this way before, but I knew I wouldn’t be the mother I wanted to be to three kids, and I had said I didn’t know if my marriage could handle a third child. I think resentment is a big part of that for multiple reasons. My family is complete…however, now meeting a new group of mom friends in the neighborhood and hearing they aren’t done yet, I have a feeling down the road that twinge will return for a newborn. It’s not in the cards for us, but I will enjoy getting to love on other people’s little ones.
I think you know where I stand on this issue. Well, you know at least as well as I do. I always wanted a big family also; Stan would honestly be happy either way I think. He worries more about the financial side of things, but that’s not a serious issue. The newborn and baby years are hard for us primarily because we apparently don’t make “good sleepers.” But every step of the way has been better than the last, even when it’s difficult, so that excites both of us in terms of wanting another…
I am a little… nervous (?) about how this self-imposed break will make me feel. In a way it is liberating to know that pregnancy is off the table for the time being, but I kind of don’t want to get too comfortable so as to not want to try again. That probably sounds ridiculous. That probably IS ridiculous, actually. But so be it.
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