Do you know that I can’t remember the last time I puked up a meal? That’s called progress, folks.
I sat down to start writing this post last night and realized it was exactly 6 years ago (11/10/2009) that I started this blog with a post entitled “Getting Back on the Damn Wagon.” It’s pretty incredible to me to realize how much has changed and how much has stayed the same over the past 6 years.
Those of you who have been following me for awhile are probably aware that I used to struggle pretty badly with bulimia (or at the very least, disordered eating) in my early 20s. I’ve never been a tiny person, but growing up I was always pretty healthy & fit and never worried about body image issues. After putting on the typical freshman 15, I just completely lost it. Lost it. Extreme calorie counting & crazy workouts & lots of disordered eating habits followed and I went from 165# back down to 147-149# and I refused to let myself ever hit the 150# mark for the rest of college. I never allowed myself over 1,200 calories per day (and did NOT adjust for exercise!), so I was operating at a severe calorie deficit and mentally a wreck. When I inevitably overate every few days, I’d immediately purge so as to stay below the 1,200 level I had set for myself, and 15 years later I can still tell you which foods are easiest to throw up. It’s a horrible set of knowledge to have that you can never quite shake from your memories.
At any rate, I’ve worked really hard the last decade to re-write my relationship with food, and 99% of the time I do really great with it. There are the random trigger meals that I still struggle with, but for the most part I have a pretty good handle on portion control and healthy eating and knowing when I just need to walk away from the appetizer bar already.
Earlier this week I was watching DWTS while I was doing a workout, and Alexa PenaVega did her interpretive dance all about her battle with bulimia. Let me tell you – it was powerful for me to watch. (Her story starts at the 3:00 mark in the video below and the dance at the 5:00 mark).
Lyrics here. “When it’s time to make a change, make it rain, make it rain Lord, make it rain”
I’m proud of the changes I have made over the last decade. I know that making healthy lifestyle choices isn’t something I can do just for a day or week or month or year – it’s a lifelong commitment – but I love that I now choose to do things the healthy way. I feel stronger with every Beachbody workout I do. I feel happier with every healthy food choice I make. I feel more at peace with the way my clothing fits my body every day. I know that I am ending my 33rd year of life in a better place than where I started it, and that feels damn good.