Do you know that I can’t remember the last time I puked up a meal? That’s called progress, folks.
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I sat down to start writing this post last night and realized it was exactly 6 years ago (11/10/2009) that I started this blog with a post entitled “Getting Back on the Damn Wagon.” It’s pretty incredible to me to realize how much has changed and how much has stayed the same over the past 6 years.
Those of you who have been following me for awhile are probably aware that I used to struggle pretty badly with bulimia (or at the very least, disordered eating) in my early 20s. I’ve never been a tiny person, but growing up I was always pretty healthy & fit and never worried about body image issues. After putting on the typical freshman 15, I just completely lost it. Lost it. Extreme calorie counting & crazy workouts & lots of disordered eating habits followed and I went from 165# back down to 147-149# and I refused to let myself ever hit the 150# mark for the rest of college. I never allowed myself over 1,200 calories per day (and did NOT adjust for exercise!), so I was operating at a severe calorie deficit and mentally a wreck. When I inevitably overate every few days, I’d immediately purge so as to stay below the 1,200 level I had set for myself, and 15 years later I can still tell you which foods are easiest to throw up. It’s a horrible set of knowledge to have that you can never quite shake from your memories.
At any rate, I’ve worked really hard the last decade to re-write my relationship with food, and 99% of the time I do really great with it. There are the random trigger meals that I still struggle with, but for the most part I have a pretty good handle on portion control and healthy eating and knowing when I just need to walk away from the appetizer bar already.
Earlier this week I was watching DWTS while I was doing a workout, and Alexa PenaVega did her interpretive dance all about her battle with bulimia. Let me tell you – it was powerful for me to watch. (Her story starts at the 3:00 mark in the video below and the dance at the 5:00 mark).
Lyrics here. “When it’s time to make a change, make it rain, make it rain Lord, make it rain”
I’m proud of the changes I have made over the last decade. I know that making healthy lifestyle choices isn’t something I can do just for a day or week or month or year – it’s a lifelong commitment – but I love that I now choose to do things the healthy way. I feel stronger with every Beachbody workout I do. I feel happier with every healthy food choice I make. I feel more at peace with the way my clothing fits my body every day. I know that I am ending my 33rd year of life in a better place than where I started it, and that feels damn good.
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It’s pretty amazing that you’re sharing this with all of us. I applaud you for being so brave!! (I actually got chills reading your story.) I watched DWTS the other night, too, and while I have never struggled with an eating disorder, I have always grown up wanting to be smaller, thinner. I HATE that. In some ways, I feel like I lost a bit of my childhood because of that. No child or tween or teen or anyone for that matter should ever feel like they need to be thinner.
I’m with you: FINALLY at age 36 I feel strong and healthy and SO good. And it’s because I’ve finally accepted that this is me and this is the body I have and, you know what? I LOVE it. EVERY inch of it! Because it’s allowed me to do some pretty amazing things like go through infertility treatments and carry two gorgeous babies and to get back into shape that I never thought I’d see again! xoxoxo
Amen! 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Josey. You are stronger in so many ways every single day. Thanks for inspiring us all!
Thanks for joining me on this journey! You are kicking butt yourself. 🙂
Josie – Thank you soooo much for sharing this. And thank you sooo much for talking me into the 21Day Fix. This is by far the best program I’ve ever seen that leads you to a healthy lifestyle.
Thanks Erin! XOXO Means a lot to hear that from you because I know you know a lot about health & fitness!
What a post.
The ghosts of our past never go away, do they? I think it’s interesting that you were writing this as I was writing about my body image while in high school. I look back on pictures of when I was in 5th grade and thought I was fat (I wasn’t) and I cringe.
Good on you for leaving the bulimia behind. I know from friends that that is not easy to do.
So inspiring, as usual!
Thanks hon xoxo
Great post! I totally hear you, and I have absolutely been there myself! Thank you for sharing not only this experience, but all your others! As a new mom and someone with similar struggles with insecurities I am so grateful to “hear” what you have to say. Thanks!
A very powerful post. You’re so brave to share this with us, and it’s amazing how far you have come. Truly inspiring.
It’s also amazing to think that your kids will have such a head start when it comes to health and fitness because they have such a great role model.