Ultimatums

Facebook photos don’t ever tell the whole story, do they? To the world, we had a great weekend spent as a family on a mini-vacation. To us, it was another stressful weekend that had moments of fun but was mostly filled with more bickering and tears, harsh words and ultimatums. We are most definitely at the point that the hard times far outnumber the good, so marriage counselors have been googled and inquiry emails sent. Praying that something can help dig us out of this hole we are in. We are 11 years in and don’t want to give up now…

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34 comments

  1. Thinking of you and hoping counseling helps.

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  2. Heather · · Reply

    Big hugs Jos. I can’t imagine how this must be feeling for you right now. I really hope that your marriage finds a way. Hugs. xxx

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  3. Oh hugs! I hope the counselor is a help for you both. J and I are having a rough time too and like to you we’ve been together way too long for me to want to give up. We haven’t hit the point of couples counseling, but sometimes I think it’s coming. There’s only so much therapy I can do by myself and I feel I’m not the only one with things that need to be worked on. πŸ˜• Thinking of you!

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  4. Hope things get better. Hang in there.

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  5. mcmissis · · Reply

    Good luck. You can always text or call if you want to talk. We’re definitely not the poster children for counseling, quitting after two sessions, but if you have any questions about it, I’m here.

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  6. sangela71 · · Reply

    We have been there, too. Counseling was a big help for us, although we still have our ups and downs.

    I hope you are able to find the help you need.

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  7. Thinking of you and sending hugs. I understand…we are 8 years in (9 total together) with 4 kids 7 and under and another on the way. We must be crazy! Definitely have had our ups and down’s, but for us marriage is a sacrament so that has helped remind us both we made a lifelong commitment. Hang in there!

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    1. Kel – you’re pregnant again?!?! Congrats!!

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      1. Yep almost 17 wks! We said 4 was good but hopefully all goes well and this will be our last! And bloodwork says it is another girl (we only have 1 girl right now) so excited about that, makes up for spending the entire months of Jan and Feb puking again! I went back and re read your old posts to help me through that time!

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        1. Awh, glad to hear you’ve made it out of the puking fog. No fun at all.

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  8. Jos, I feel for you. We’ve had our share of rough patches and counseling has really helped. Seeking help is a huge step and I pray that it pays off for you and your family. Lots of love. xx

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  9. I’m so sorry, but I understand. It’s so hard, and some days it just seems impossible. I’m glad you are fighting though- that inspires me to do the same

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    1. I’m sorry I’ve been so MIA with commenting on your posts lately. I am reading and rooting for you.

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      1. Please don’t apologize! It’s all I can do these days to even read most blogs, much less comment, so I totally get it. Been thinking about you a lot this morning.

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  10. I’m sorry to hear this, and inspired that you are taking action. Hugs.

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  11. Facebook can be a big fat liar – because we can’t air our dirty laundry to the public out of respect for our spouses, kids, family, and friends (and nor should we!). I like to post the hard times with the kids so that I always remember, but you’ll only see my frustrations with Brian in the private group. The thing is, we all have struggles and YOU know that, so that’s good. I know that FB can really beat people down but I get the feeling that you know that there’s FB, and behind that is a lot of reality that isn’t put on there.

    You’ve been so brave in so many things lately. You have buried your sister-in-law but more importantly, got all of her affairs in order so that her parents and siblings didn’t have to. You’ve lost others close to you. You’ve been your sisters’ cheerleader. You’ve sent your first-born off to school. You’ve tackled your health and are doing great with it. You’ve danced in a fashion show and shown more skin in it than I think you’re used to showing ( πŸ˜‰ ). And now you’re seeking counseling. That’s a brave thing to do – it really is. It’s really hard to do, but you’ve done it. I hope you find that once the calls are made, the rest gets easier.

    It will get easier. I’ve never known anyone who has NOT benefited from couples counseling. You may need to try a couple to find a good fit, but once you’re both comfortable, it really will help.

    Hugs. Lots of hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Awe man Jos, I’m sorry. Sometimes life gets SO.HARD. Counseling has done wonder for a close friend of ours, just keep on keeping on. I do believe you’ll get there.

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  13. Life is wicked hard. I hope things get easier for you both soon.

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  14. Sending all the love and hugs. All I can say is I’m impressed you are both willing to work together, even if outside help is necessary. I wish you both all the peace and love you both deserve.

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  15. Jos this bloody breaks my heart. I think that it is encouraging that neither of you want to give up on your marriage you just need to find that middle ground in a less combative manner. This is another fork in the road of your life, I do hope that it all ends the way you want it to. Love youxx

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  16. St. Elsewhere · · Reply

    I have a few dinner / cake cutting pics of M’s first birthday posted on FB. However, the smiles are deceptive. M had a major meltdown right before the party and thank God for an odd nap that made him get back some energy or there would be no dinner pics either.

    FB lies, because people publish very selective and biased aspects of their lives on it.

    11 years is a long time. Please be good.

    11 years may appear like a long time with each other, but remember that you are still discovering things in each other that may come as a surprise. And please don’t take each other for granted. I am paying the price for it – to think that what is yours can’t be taken away at any instant.

    Be good.

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  17. It sucks to hear that you guys are in a rough place, but selfishly it makes me (and hopefully others) feel like it’s okay to not have that picture perfect relationship that is so easily portrayed through social media. We have certainly had rough patches as well, and sometimes I stop and wonder will we be together in 30 years. I obviously hope so, but this shit is hard, and you both sound committed to giving it everything you have. Hang in there hun, and know that we are all here for you whenever you need a shoulder to lean on.

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  18. Many, many hugs and best wishes sent your way…Good for you guys for being willing to acknowledge that you need some guidance and not just throwing in the towel.
    We went through this about 3 years ago. We had been married 10 years and our kids were about the ages that Stella and Harvey are. Life had thrown us some curve balls and we didn’t know how to adjust any longer. We found a counselor and went. It wasn’t pretty but we learned things about each other and it helped to have a neutral party show us both how things we said/did really came across to the other, taught us new communication (our biggest weak point) techniques and the rawness of it all helped us find a way back to the same path.
    Now I’m not going to lie, even though we are back on the same path it has bumps, hill, mountains and at times we slip up with each other but thankfully for now we are able to go back to what we learned and navigate together.

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  19. I am sorry to hear this and hopeful that counseling will help. I think it’s so helpful to others that you’ve put this post out there.

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  20. Geochick · · Reply

    ((hugs)) I’m so sorry to hear it’s really hard. The fact that you are both willing to work on it speaks volumes. Good luck! Counseling is just another way to learn.

    p.s. I had so many thoughts about a comment on one of your past posts where you said that you are an extrovert and Charlie is an outgoing introvert. I can absolutely see how that can be difficult to navigate because the two of you are recharged by very different situations. You thrive on interaction, and while Charlie might like interaction, he doesn’t get recharged until he is able to slow down and spend time by himself. I’m an outgoing introvert and I tell ya’, if S wasn’t also an introvert, it would suck. We can get the kids to bed, and then barely talk the rest of the night because we both need the silence and time by ourselves.

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    1. This. Exactly this. Our #1 argument always revolves around this. It’s maddening to me.

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      1. mcmissis · · Reply

        Have you heard of the book Quiet? Maybe you two could read it together as a jumping-off point for more mutual understanding? I’ve never read it, but have always been interested in it. You’d have to find a good extrovert complement to it though for you! I know I keep suggesting things to read, but for me, it just feels good to start trying something asap no matter what issue I’m wrestling with. It makes me feel like I’m making progress, at least for a little while until I get bored πŸ™‚

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        1. mcmissis · ·

          Even better! http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Extrovert-Love-Opposites-Attract/dp/1572244860/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458768784&sr=8-1&keywords=introverts+and+extroverts And just so you know, this is a big issue for McMister and me AND for my mom and her husband. So, you are, most certainly, not alone.

          Liked by 1 person

  21. Hey my friend, Please know that I’m thinking of you. Marriage has its ups and downs. The good comes with the bad. But you know all this. Hang in there. You’re doing the right thing and taking the right steps. Please know I’m here if you need to vent, cry, bitch, whatever. πŸ™‚ xoxoxoxo

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  22. So sorry to hear this, hang in there…I hope counseling (or something) helps!!! Thinking of you guys.

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  23. sending huge hugs and hopeful that better days and many more years together are a head. I hope you can both put the time and effort in to get things back on the right track. xo

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  24. I’m also sending love and prayers your way! If it helps to know this, Mike and I have been in and out of couples counseling since 2004 and it ALWAYS helps. It’s given us so many tools to communicate better, better meet each other’s needs, all that stuff. Sometimes it’s really hard, but it’s always worth it. The other thing that has made a HUGE difference for us was hiring a housekeeper to come twice a month. I have no idea what you guys are struggling with, but household chores was HUGE for us and outsourcing it to someone we trust was a total relationship game-changer. I know it sounds silly, but it literally changed our marriage for the better. So whatever it is for you guys, I am rooting for you two. It sounds like you both have the drive to make it work, so just knowing that, being able to take each other by the hands and say, “This is really hard right now, but I love you, and I’m committed to you,” is amazing and will take you far. So much love to you both.

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  25. […] marriage was in a really bad spot. Honestly? It was at rock bottom. I wrote about it a little bitΒ here and here and here. We got some great relationship books to read (which we honestly haven’t […]

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  26. Jo ~ No. 8 Wire Mongol Rally Team · · Reply

    I’m only just catching up on your blog now, but really really hoping that by the time I’m up to date things are going so much better for you xx

    Liked by 1 person

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