A post popped up in my Facebook timeline this morning that made me cry. I don’t officially follow their page, but it is the company from which I always order the kids’ Christmas ornaments and my beautiful stacking rings, so it caught my eye. And my heart.
I clicked over and read her blog post…and cried.
It seems true love gives all it has, breaks down, then reconnects to heal. A new love begins where the old love left off. Perhaps love is a journey of holding on to each other, even when you want to let go? True love is more about forgiveness than feelings. It’s more about giving than getting. It finds it’s hope in humility. Love begins, it breaks down, it begins again. Where love began is not where it will end. We will be broken and changed and hopefully over the years, with a lot of grace, we will find ourselves in a marriage that has lasted, defined by a love that has been renewed again and again.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who have reached out in over the past couple of days with blog comments, Facebook messages, text messages, emails, and phone calls. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone and that many of you have been (or are) in the same situation, or at the very least that you are thinking of us and praying for us. I am so grateful for my tribe and the love and support you all have showered me with. <3 You give me the strength to keep trying and keep growing, hopefully with this guy by my side.
I like that quote too. Growing and changing is so hard. Keep up the work. I sure hope love is worth it. Seeing my grandparents, I am wagering it is. We (spouse and I) are going through the end of our rotten season and it’s a struggle but mostly getting back toward good.
Praying for you guys.
Marriage is hard – we have had our struggles – still are. I don’t know where it will lead or if we will make it…sometimes I’m not sure I care if we do or not. Just hoping that I’m staying for the right reasons.
Hang in there! Lots of us here for you!
Yep, this. Thanks for the support, and the same to you!
Being in a completely different place in my life, that post popped up in my feed a while ago. There is so much that rings true and reassures me my love was true, but I can’t say the same of my children’s father. I wish you guys the best and hope through hard work and love you are able to do what is right for all of you, and I’m really hoping you two work through this and come out stronger on the other side. HUGS lady…you are amazing!
Love is so fluid – I don’t think it can ever be what it once was. We grow, we change, we learn…. and those things can build up a love or tear it apart. What I know for certain is that Brian’s and my love looks NOTHING like it did when we were first married. It’s probably more boring than it was then, but it’s deeper. It’s more respectful. It’s longer-tempered. It’s more easily aggravated. It’s more frustrating. Lots of good and not-so-good things but the one thing that is constant is that it’s always changing. I have had my moments (months at a time) wondering if we’d make it or not, and we’ll never know for sure until we’ve made it or not, but I think we will.
Do your parents know about this? Do his? Both of your parents’ marriages seem strong and maybe they have some thoughts? I remember my mom telling us that she wanted a divorce when they’d been married for 7 years and that my dad had no clue she was so unhappy. I remember thinking then, when I was very young, that I’d be able to probably talk to her about these things when I grew up because she’d understand. I bet your parents have a lot of good nuggets to share about marriage. I bet you that they’ve been in this same, or a similar place, as well.
I think of you every day. We are here and sending you very positive thoughts. You guys can do this. 🙂
Thanks, C. I just sent you a text.
This is PERFECT C. All of this. My love with Ryan is so different now. It’s definitely had its hard spots. I know you guys will work through it. There’s no 3rd party it’s just you two figuring each other out again xx
xo praying for you guys.
Are you both on the same page? When we went, it was very clearly for a need of his that wasn’t being met, and the counselor basically said I didn’t really get a say in certain things in there bc I wasn’t the one in all the hurt. Obv I don’t agree completely with what she said, but it has made me more open to working toward bridging that gap before widening it.
On the same page regarding what? We both are tired of fighting, and neither of us want to stay together unless something changes, and we both feel that we are the ones “in the hurt”… so? We are both open to counseling though, if that’s what you mean.
You answered it here. I just didn’t know if you were both ready to leave or if one was significantly more unhappy than the other.
Both of you know what the problems are and I think you know the solutions. Obviously, if something irritates the other party, should be stopped or if one of you needs help, for ex around the household, the other side should help out. However, it seems to me that sometimes people don’t like to hear from their spouses what to do and how to adjust but they need a third party to tell them that. I wish to both of you to settle your differences because divorce is not easy esp for kids.
See, I don’t exactly agree with this. In some cases of course you can adjust habits to not do things that irritate your spouse, but when the issues are because of who you are at your core (I am an outgoing extrovert and have always needed and loved being out and about and having interactions with other people), it’s unreasonable to expect to me to always be at home and be happy sitting on the couch every single night with my introvert husband. We both need our time that “fills our cups” so to speak, and I will be miserable if I completely quit being ME in order to make him happy. We will see how things go with the counselor. Of course we know that divorce isn’t “easy” for anyone.
I am sorry to hear that you guys are going through a rough patch, they really do suck. I think what Courtney has said is so spot on love changes. What we had when we first meet was so different from what it is now. I left for a year to travel (before we were super serious) we had as awful period of fighting in our early 30’s and we are pretty settled in our late 30’s. But I do know I’d rather stay than go. I am alot more about people, Simon much more introverted. He actually sees someone as he needs to dicuss things with someone completely outside of the situation rather than with me or his friends. I moan to my friends. That seems to work for us. It has taken us time to figure out how to communicate and not get into that fighting zone. I have to work on my frustration levels – as I am more likely to say some things I don’t mean. We have also set a few rules. No name calling ever (it’s just mean) try not to blame but explain. That’s tough. I wish you luck on figuring out what works for you and Charlie.
I need that quote. I am pretty lost.
I don’t comment often, but you can see the change in you over time… posting a photo kissing another girl for example. If you’ve always been this extrovert, how come it’s just now becoming a major issue? Or are you suddenly changing into someone else and he is struggling because he is wanting/desiring a more tame housewife who isn’t dancing/drinking as much? You mentioned being surprised he came to your show in support, which made me wonder if he wasn’t okay with you being in the show. When my husband and I had a rough patch, I noticed having single friends, or friends that may be pushing you to constantly think about your differences, and what “YOU” want but not worry about what your partner wants, really was toxic in our relationship. Once I ditched those friends, and got back in touch with my husband, we were able to really focus on each other. Just observations I’ve made as I’ve followed your blog for years. You never seemed to need as much social interaction as you’re claiming now.
FWIW, that was a staged peck at a fundraiser show we were a part of. She (and her husband and child) have been good friends of ours for years, and that has nothing to do with this.
I have always been this much of an extrovert, yes. I think the issue is that for 4 years I was pregnant/breastfeeding literally every single day and he got used to me always being home out of necessity, because that’s how it is with young kids. It’s not like I’m out and about all the time now – but if I have drinks with a friend after work on a Thursday and go to a concert with a group of friends on a Saturday (which C would always be invited to join), that’s too much for him anymore, where in the past he would have been with us 100%. It’s like he’s becoming more introverted as time passes and I have not, and neither of us can come to terms with the other about that.
Quite honestly, almost every single one of my friends (other than my brother) are married and most are parents, so it’s not really what you’re saying above. I’ve always needed a lot of social interaction – this blog has just usually been about infertility and weight loss and parenting, so it’s not something I write about a lot on here if that makes sense? Before kids I always had a day job AND bartended at night a few times a week, so I think I got a lot of my social interaction that way too, which helped.
Oh – and we talked about me being in the show before I ever signed up because it required him watching the kids while I was at the rehearsals, and he was on board for that. He’s just not much for stuff like that – more of a sit on the couch with his 2 best friends from high school who still live here and have beers kid of a guy, and that’s fine. I was just happy he came to see what I had been working on so hard for the month leading up to the show, and he did in fact have a great time once he got there. 🙂
I sure hope you meant, “wife,” and not, “housewife” in your comment above. Josey isn’t a “housewife,” she works outside the home. I, though, stay home with my kids and I’m not a “housewife” either. It’s commonly called a “stay at home mom,” these days. Your use of the term implies to me that you’re a bit out of touch with how far we women have come, and that we’re, GASP, allowed to have our own lives and interests. That doesn’t mean we abandon our poor husbands every night, but it does mean that we get to go let off some steam when needed or desired.
The way you make it sound, we, “housewives,” really should just be locked up at home, doing as our husbands want. No thank you!
I’m 28, a full-time student, wife, mother and I own my own business (outside the home)… I still used the term housewife, because I’m not a hyper sensitive feminist about terminology. I’m very much “in touch” with women of today’ society. But I am glad thats all you took from my message!
The fact that you think it’s “hypersensitive” says a lot.
You have some decent points, if you knew Josey personally or had been a regular commenter who had gotten to know her beyond her written words on a blog. She makes an effort to know her readers, and she obviously does not know you. Your point about surrounding yourself with the right people is something I’ve told her myself, privately. Because we’re friends outside of here. And, believe it or not, she already knew it when I mentioned it to her.
Perhaps your message was lost in your tone and presentation. Focusing on an obviously staged photo (a little peck? Really?), telling her that maybe her husband wants a “tame ‘housewife,'” telling her to ditch her friends. I’m sorry, but you sound a bit… “judgy.”. I say that having made a very similar comment like you did (“judgy” because I viewed my perspective as the correct one), years ago on someone’s blog who I’d read for years but did not know outside of her blog. It was not nice of me. It was “judgy.” It was a lesson learned for sure, and one I learned immediately. Comments like these do not help people.
My husband has talked me off the ledge a bit and helped me recognize that I am being protective of my friend and not necessarily listening to your thoughts. I apologize for my tone. I do understand what you’re trying to say, I wish it had been said more nicely. I’m sorry.
I may have come across as not warm and fuzzy, but it wasn’t intended to be harsh but I asked those questions because I don’t know her personally, and I was asking additional questions from a observational point of view. But have enjoyed her blog as we’ve walked similar paths through infertility (how I found the blog) and our children are similar age ranges. My advice/questions were good natured, I typically don’t find the time to comment or don’t have too much to add but I had a similar situation (although, vice versa with my husband) and found that it was because of outside influences seeming to creep into the relationship (I wondered if maybe the kissing picture was an example of maybe a wild single friend, even though it was posed, it’s not a typical Josie photo I see on the blog- and I don’t know her husbands values/beliefs/attitudes/behaviors other than the description of a introvert, if he’s really conservative and not understanding her wanting social interaction, I could have seen that as a possible issue.) Again, not judging, just a outsiders perspective. Cheers!
I totally understand. I was being protective. I did not AT ALL come across as warm and fuzzy. 😉
[…] was in a really bad spot. Honestly? It was at rock bottom. I wrote about it a little bit here and here and here. We got some great relationship books to read (which we honestly haven’t gotten all […]