The blogging prompt for today that I saw was the following:
If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?
Um, there is a lot I could write in response to that, but not when I’m putting it out there on the world wide web for all to see!
Right now, at this very moment, I’d love to be able to let all the different parts of my life be known to everyone who knows me. It’d be so nice to not feel this immense struggle to juggle it all in private while a lot of parts of my life are up in the air and only two people in the world know most all of it for me to talk to about it all. I have zero idea what my life is going to look like over the next year, and that makes me supremely nervous. I know we never know what the future holds, but for the last few years I’ve felt pretty confident about my steady trajectory in life, and right now that is most definitely not the case. It’s not all bad by any means – parts are quite exciting and lovely – but it’s still nerve wracking to feel like you’re about to jump off a precipice.
Sorry for the annoying vague post, but that’s where I’m at today. 😉 Until tomorrow…
I understand what you mean: I’ve always had a hard time with uncertainty, which is one of the reasons that infertility was so tough for me to deal with. I almost feel like I can handle just about anything, as long as I know what it is/will be.
I hadn’t thought about it like this, but yes – exactly this!
Do you know why so many stories/versions have to exist? Maybe figuring that part out is a doable step? Would changing that part of it ease any of the discomfort?
That made it sound like I thought you were doing something wrong, which I totally don’t! 🙂 Just trying to help ease the tension with something concrete.
Unfortunately a lot of the stories/versions absolutely have to exist at this point in time. In the next few months I’m hoping most of it has been determined, but there are just a lot of balls in the air right now, and we aren’t quite sure where everything is going to land (i.e. not sure at all!).
I’m sorry there’s so much uncertainty in your life right now. It’s always a hard thing to accept and to just “be.” Hard, or perhaps impossible – something I’ve never achieved, that’s for sure.
It is also hard to keep multitude of things private from different people. We’re dealing with a bit of that as well – IF stuff, family stuff, work stuff. Most people know a little but almost no one knows it all… Some heavy balls to juggle.
I struggle with keeping track of who knows what. Only my sisters know everything that goes on with us, and that’s really nice because I know I can spill anything to them and not worry if I’ve said too much. Brian is way more private than I am, so I’m usually stressing over keeping his info private.
Exactly – it’s not like they’re inconsequential balls right now, which is a big part of the reason it’s so stressful. Also, a lot of it is just not shareable with most anyone right now, and I’m such a share-r that it’s hard for me to not be able to bounce all of the issues and possibilities off of friends!
Yes, really it’s N, my mom, and my BF who know everything, but really it’s just N at this point, in part because N has a huge work thing going on now which is not mine to share anyway… And, like you, I’m a sharer, so it’s hard to balance that side of things as well.
HUGS! You know I’m thinking of you and should you need anything, I’m here