Fear

It holds you back. It entices you to make excuses. It convinces you to close your eyes and remain in denial about reality. It causes you lash out at people who care about you who are simply trying to help. It convinces you to wallow in complacency instead of being determined and taking action.

In the past three years, I’ve allowed myself to gain 30 pounds. Maybe you think that’s a huge number, or maybe you think that you wish you’d have made a change in your life when it was “only” 30 pounds. Either way, I know that I personally feel terrible right now.

If you do the math, 30# over 3 years is literally less than an extra 100 calories per day. That’s roughly 1 light beer, 1 piece of string cheese, or 1 tall glass of orange juice per day. Isn’t it incredible how much little amounts can add up to big changes, both positive and negative? This is true in so many things in life, whether you’re talking about your weight, political change, relationships, you name it. Why is it so much easier with self-care to allow ourselves to backslide incrementally instead of being comfortable with incremental positive changes?

Unfortunately, those little amounts over the past 3 years for me have now added up to me feeling miserable, sluggish, tired, overwhelmed, and just plain disappointed in myself. When we returned from our fantastic vacation to France earlier this week, I stepped on the scale the next morning and saw a number that was 3# higher than the most I have ever weighed (including while being 9 months pregnant!).

Holy Fucking Shit. That’s all that went through my head. Holy Fucking Shit.

It’s embarrassing more than anything. Please know that I don’t judge anyone else for their weight, but I know how many excuses I’ve made in my own life to get to this point. Some of it is valid. I am a busy Mom with two young kids. I work full time outside the home. I also work for my husband’s business when I’m at home so free time is tough to come by. Living on wine & cheese in France is basically a requirement for joy.

But… I can make better choices. I have made better choices so many times in my life. I’m just not choosing to make the time lately *cough* for years *cough* to make my own health a priority.

I want to say this is my line in the sand, but I said that 2 years and almost 20# ago and somehow went on to ignore my old line. This was so much easier in my 20s. Now I’m closer to 40 than 30 and have a feeling this will be a challenge. Doable, but difficult. That scares me.

BUT, I need to make small, incremental changes towards health. I need to not let embarrassment at my current lack of fitness keep me from going to a yoga class again. I need to refocus on meal planning and not worry about eating leftovers so they don’t go to waste. I don’t need the leftovers on MY waist!

I need to do this for me. I don’t care so much about the number on the scale, but I want to feel good in my clothes and strong in my activities and my life again. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like a fit, healthy, vibrant person and not just a tired, overweight Mom. I want to feel proud of my physical accomplishments. I want to have energy in all aspects of life. I want to be happy.

I just need to not let the fear of failure stop me from starting.

Advertisements

7 comments

  1. jeov55 · · Reply

    Just for today…..that’s all you have to do…….just for today make good choices. I’m talking to myself, too. 🙂 I woke up two days ago with the Serenity Prayer in my head….and “the courage to change the things I can” kept running through my head. There’s so much we cannot control, but this one thing we can…this business with choosing what to put in our body – well that is 100% our choice. In the words of Yoda – Do. Do not. There is no try. 🙂 You got this, darlin’. Mucho love.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My mom always said at meals out, “I’ve paid for this meal once already, I’m not paying for it again by finishing it when I’m already full. It cost the same whether I finish it or not.” I think about that all the time, because it’s true. It goes along with your statement about leftovers. Eating the leftovers just to not be wasteful is paying for the meal a second time in a sense. Good for you for realizing it! (I never thought to apply this logic to leftovers… I’m so bad at leftovers.)

    After we chatted today, I told myself, “yeah, you eat healthy until you go over on calories by eating Bryson’s second taco at Chipotle.” He’s done getting the taco kit, because he only eats one and then I eat the other because, let’s face it, their pork is amazing (and I get chicken). AND I eat his kids chips. That’s an extra 330 calories I never had before he started getting those damn kids taco kit. We go there twice a week! So that is done, thanks to our text chat. THANK YOU!

    I’m 42 on St Patty’s day. My GP told me on Monday to relax because after 40, it gets really hard to shed weight and he’s happy with where I’m at. I’M NOT! Good God don’t I know it’s hard to drop weight after 40 (41 for me – this last year had been a BITCH). I can’t workout or work out harder than I already do, so it’s diet. I’m not willing to make a major change yet. So….

    Good luck to you. I’m here, fighting the good fight with you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Read this and wanted to wrap you up in a big hug. I know you’re feeling down on yourself with where you’re currently at, but I also know that its in our darkest moments that we shine. And I believe you not only got this but will overcome.

    Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ariane · · Reply

    Seeing My Cheap Version…. in bloglovin made me so happy, I’ve missed your writing!
    Right there with you in the thirty pounds to lose group. I cut out sweets this week and it really helps me avoid overeating. If you have anything that triggers you to overeat, that’s a great place to start.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lisa L · · Reply

    I’ve been there. I really have. 2 1/2 years ago my then 5 year old daughter asked me one day “Mommy, why is your tummy so big?” And that was it. I was done being the overweight, tired, unsexy mom. I made some changes in my life, dietary first and adding in exercise (mostly at home) and slowly started to see results. I started at 215 lbs and over the course of almost 2 years lost 85 pounds. It’s hard, it’s painful at times, but it’s so worth it. I knew something needed to change and now I’m glad to be the mom I had always looked at and wished I could be. You can do it too. Don’t let the number overwhelm you! One food choice, one exercise, one day at a time. You can do hard things.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel ya. It is HARD. People look at me and tell me to stop whining, I have a great body! They say….but I don’t feel good about myself. Which is the most important thing. One day at a time!

    Like

  7. My kids are almost 7 and 5 and I am still struggling. Sigh. It’s so hard. All this to say I get you. And this post has inspired me to rethink the way I’ve approached my weight and, more importantly, my health, in the last several years since having kids. I’m 46 now and everything that everyone has said to you about losing weight beyond 40 is true. I had my kids at 39 and 41 so I was already snookered! It’s harder, and you have to really work at it. It’s not impossible though. It just takes more time, patience and perseverance. So now I’m motivated to get going on this again. If we Believe that we can, we WILL. I’ll be checking in here to see how you’re making out 🙂

    Like

Virtual Hugs (FYI - your comment may be held in moderation for me to approve if you have never commented here before - I try to approve as quickly as possible!)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: