It holds you back. It entices you to make excuses. It convinces you to close your eyes and remain in denial about reality. It causes you lash out at people who care about you who are simply trying to help. It convinces you to wallow in complacency instead of being determined and taking action.
In the past three years, I’ve allowed myself to gain 30 pounds. Maybe you think that’s a huge number, or maybe you think that you wish you’d have made a change in your life when it was “only” 30 pounds. Either way, I know that I personally feel terrible right now.
If you do the math, 30# over 3 years is literally less than an extra 100 calories per day. That’s roughly 1 light beer, 1 piece of string cheese, or 1 tall glass of orange juice per day. Isn’t it incredible how much little amounts can add up to big changes, both positive and negative? This is true in so many things in life, whether you’re talking about your weight, political change, relationships, you name it. Why is it so much easier with self-care to allow ourselves to backslide incrementally instead of being comfortable with incremental positive changes?
Unfortunately, those little amounts over the past 3 years for me have now added up to me feeling miserable, sluggish, tired, overwhelmed, and just plain disappointed in myself. When we returned from our fantastic vacation to France earlier this week, I stepped on the scale the next morning and saw a number that was 3# higher than the most I have ever weighed (including while being 9 months pregnant!).
Holy Fucking Shit. That’s all that went through my head. Holy Fucking Shit.
It’s embarrassing more than anything. Please know that I don’t judge anyone else for their weight, but I know how many excuses I’ve made in my own life to get to this point. Some of it is valid. I am a busy Mom with two young kids. I work full time outside the home. I also work for my husband’s business when I’m at home so free time is tough to come by. Living on wine & cheese in France is basically a requirement for joy.
But… I can make better choices. I have made better choices so many times in my life. I’m just not choosing to make the time lately *cough* for years *cough* to make my own health a priority.
I want to say this is my line in the sand, but I said that 2 years and almost 20# ago and somehow went on to ignore my old line. This was so much easier in my 20s. Now I’m closer to 40 than 30 and have a feeling this will be a challenge. Doable, but difficult. That scares me.
BUT, I need to make small, incremental changes towards health. I need to not let embarrassment at my current lack of fitness keep me from going to a yoga class again. I need to refocus on meal planning and not worry about eating leftovers so they don’t go to waste. I don’t need the leftovers on MY waist!
I need to do this for me. I don’t care so much about the number on the scale, but I want to feel good in my clothes and strong in my activities and my life again. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like a fit, healthy, vibrant person and not just a tired, overweight Mom. I want to feel proud of my physical accomplishments. I want to have energy in all aspects of life. I want to be happy.
I just need to not let the fear of failure stop me from starting.