So Tired…

To save myself a bunch of re-writing, I’m just going to copy/paste a bit of what I was writing Amanda this morning so you know where my head is right now. I’m a mess. A Total. Freaking. Mess.
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…last night I had an absolute meltdown….fear, sadness, stress….everything combined from [everything]…I dunno, I’m just maxed out. My best friend since 7th grade called when I walked in the door from work and I just lost it. Sobbing on the phone. Told her some of it…Told her about just feeling broke and broken. Poor girl didn’t know what she was getting into when she called me. 🙂 

At any rate, [hubby] walked in while I was on the phone, and when I got off and walked back in from the backyard, he just pulled me onto his lap in our recliner and held me while I cried & cried. What a mess. We ended up talking about some things IF related, but it’s hard to talk about most of it. He tries to make me feel better and says things like “things will be okay” – “maybe we’re not supposed to have kids” – “you always have me” – “life is good – i have a wife i love and trust and come home to every night”

Yeah, that made me bawl worse. 

I dunno. I tried to explain to him that sometimes his positivity makes me feel like he doesn’t want this as badly as me. Then he gets all frustrated and says this is why he doesn’t talk to be about the IF – b/c I just cry, he feels like he says the wrong things, of course he wants a kid, but he doesn’t want me to ever think he’s leave me if we couldn’t.
…
At any rate, I finally get calmed down a little bit and think I can breathe without sobbing, and we decide to watch a movie together. As we’re turning it on, I get a phone call from my friend H (one of two BFFs from college – lived together, etc). I haven’t chatted with her in ages (she’s a med student in her 2nd yr of residency and super busy) so I answered. Last time I physically saw her was December when the old college roommates got together in MN. I told her and J (my other BFF from college) about the IF, about how hard it’s been, etc. H had a 2 yr old boy and they were waiting until after residency to try for a 2nd. J was 8 months pregnant with her first at the time. They were both super supportive and great.

You can see where this is going, right?

About 30 seconds into the conversation I can tell something is off. I ask her what’s up, and she says, “well, [DH] and I are expecting.”

*Pause* *deep breaths from me* *Hubby can tell by my face what I was just told and is giving me the “simmer down” sign* 

Congrats! Wow, how exciting. Are you finding out the gender? (She’s an MD so I figured yes, but just politely asking)

*Pause*

Um, yeah, we actually already know, we’re having a little girl. Due the day after your birthday (so Jan 21). 

*Pause* 

Um, wow. That’s exciting. 
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So yeah, she’s 21 weeks already. And just telling me. 

I think that hurt as much as anything – that to add injury to insult, she doesn’t even bother to freakin call me until she’s almost 5 months along. 

I dunno, my heart just dropped. I made a bit of mindless chit chat and told her I needed to go. Hung up the phone, started sobbing again. 

I hate this. I hate that I reacted like that. I hate that I hurt so badly and that she closed me out. Last pregnancy she told me at 6 weeks (roughly if I remember right). Um, yeah. 21 weeks. 

I’m just so tired…